WWAAWWLTB Is Here!!!

(WWAAWWLTB = Where We Are And Where We Long To Be.)

Alright, so finally I can say that the cd is in my hands all packaged and pretty and ready the holiday season! It came in on Thursday so if you pre-ordered it my wife and I have been working to get those all sent out and you should be receiving them shortly. If you would like to purchase it you can do so by coming to my site, rolling over the image of the new cd on the right side and clicking purchase. The price is $10 now and will take you through a paypal checkout process. It's very simple and in no time flat you'll have your very own copy of my latest work.

I gotta say thank you to everyone who gave me money to get it done. The final product weighed in at about $1900 and conveniently enough I brought in about $1900 in gifts and pre-orders to pay for it. The wife and I didn't have to put up much of our own money to pay for the cd which is great because we have very little extra money floating around these days.

I also gotta say thanks to Andy Ferris for the many hours he put into mixing and perfecting the sound, and to JJ Clark, Mark Lago, Mitch Mallard, and Kristen Lambert for adding some instrumentation to it. You guys are awesome!

So right now the cd is available through my site, and through Baker Book House in Grand Rapids, MI. However I am trying to find some way to get it distributed so that it will be available in more places. Also within a few weeks it should be available on iTunes. You can actually already get to my songs from Still Frame on iTunes by clicking the iTunes link on the right side of my site.

So if you know anyone, or are someone who can help me with distribution, I would greatly appreciate anything you have to offer. I am pretty small time right now and not a whole lot of people have heard of me or my music. My goal really is just that the music would be heard by lots of people and that it would hopefully minister to them in some way. Whether I am making lots of money or not, while it would be nice, is not that important in the big scheme of things. God had provided for all my needs and given me some amazing opportunities to be used by Him to accomplish what He wants, and thats all I really care about right now. I just want to be used by Him to do what He wants me to.

So there we go. New cd. Out now. Hope you like it.

It's Almost Here...

The new cd is in duplication and will be available very soon. I went through a company called Oasis CD for the duplication. Their website is telling me I should have it in hand around December 12! I am super pumped to get it out to all of you that want it and have pre-ordered it (thank for that by the way, you helped pay for its completion :). In the meantime, I have uploaded all the songs to my site so that you can listen to them. If you rollover top of the new album image you should see a link to listen and it will load all the new songs. Take a listen and let me know what you think. The album is also still available for pre-order which allows you to get it for $5. Pretty cheap right? Once the album is out the price goes up to $10 so get it cheap while you can.

...And for all you blog readers, the few, the proud... or maybe not so proud, I promise to blog again soon. I am one of those types where I can only write about stuff when I feel I have something to say... so... yeah, nothing to say right now :) Hope you all enjoy the new songs.

Rick Hopkins + iTunes = It's About Time

I finally have managed to get my first cd "Still Frame" on the iTunes store. It only took me 2 years. So get there and check it out just click the iTunes link on the right side, or click here. All this just in time for the holiday shopping season. Now hopefully the new cd is done shortly and you can purchase that as well...

Quick Update

I feel like I am leaving you all in the dark. The new cd is getting very near completion. We are working on final mixing right now, and will hopefully be sending it off for mastering very shortly. After that is off to duplication, which is looking like about a 16 day turn around. So I am guessing the cd will be available early on in December. Not quite as soon as I would like, but hopefully you will all think its worth the wait once you hear it.

There are about 5 tracks that I haven't uploaded to the site yet. Two of those are new songs entitled "Sleeper" and "Gate Called Beautiful". I think musically and lyrically these 2 songs have come together to be my favorites. I can't wait for you guys to hear them.

Also, I need to thank about 50 - 60 of Ada Bible Church's finest Studio attenders. They came up last Sunday and chipped in on finishing our recording of Lord Most High. Now I have an actual congregation singing along with me in the song. It sounds awesome, and they sang their throats out. It was a great time and I hope to get that new version posted up here pretty soon. Virb, my music host, is having some problems lately so we'll see how that goes.

God has been very good to me with this album. He has provided me with the financial means to get it done, he has called the best musicians I have ever played with to play along side me, and he has given me all of you. You continually send me emails of encouragement, prayer and support. I can't thank you all enough. I don't know if this cd will go anywhere past you, but I hope there is at least something in it that will speak to you. I'll keep you all posted on the process being made...

Side By Side

We recently got pictures snapped of our youngest boy Jack when he turned 2. Thought you may enjoy a side by side comparison.

I apologize for not keeping this blog up to date as much as I had originally intended. I want to thank all the people who have responded to me and said how much the blog entries mean to them. It means a lot to me that they are helping people.

Life is such a crazy thing, how it takes you on the ups and downs so quickly. Yesterday I was invited to play at a church in Eureka, Michigan. They basically had me play during what would be their normal Sunday morning services. I was able to do my normal show thing where I get up there and explain my songs and what I was thinking when I wrote them and how they came about, then play them for the crowd. The congregation was completely engaged in the experience with me. It was awesome! I think its amazing how God can take all these experiences I have had, filter them through me onto paper, slap a melody in my head and move people through the songs. It was one of the moments in life when it feels like everything was clicking and I was exactly where I needed to be. Then I woke up this morning to go back to my desk job. To sit silently, talk to basically no one, and program web applications all day. That transition is getting more and more difficult for me to make. From the huge spiritual high weekends, to the sit and stare weekdays. From every part of my body rejoicing in being able to do what I feel God made me to do, to every part of my body aching because I am sitting at a desk with a lousy chair, and my arms, wrists, and fingers hurt from repetitive typing and coding and error checking, and testing, and etc and etc... But that is a transition that a lot of people make, and I think its why God made weekends and Sabbaths. If I did not have that outlet and time away from the daily drudgery I am fairly certain I would go completely awol.

I have had lots of people tell me that my life is a mirror to theirs, that they share the same fears, anxieties, and struggles that I do, and that it helps them to hear someone else say it. Well I say it often, so I hope it helps... One quote from Oswald Chambers that has meant a lot to me...

"Are we refusing to enter the domain of drudgery? Drudgery is the touchstone of character. It is a 'drudging' thing to be virtuous.

The greatest hindrance of our spiritual life lies in looking for big things to do; Jesus Christ 'took a towel.....' We are not meant to be illuminated versions; we are meant to be the common stuff of ordinary human life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God. The snare in the Christian life is looking for the gilt-edge moments, the thrilling times; there are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, when God's angel is the routine of drudgery on the level of towels and washing feet. Are we prepared to 'get a move on' there? Routine is God's way of saving us between moments of inspiration. We are not to expect Him to give us His thrilling minutes always.

The secret of bringing forth fruit is to abide in Jesus. 'Abide in Me,' says Jesus, in spiritual matters, in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is. Beware of putting on your religious 'blinkers' - 'I can live finely in this type of meeting, or with that particular set.' The Christian life is not a bandbox life. We must live where we can be tested by the whole of life. Are we preventing God from doing things in our circumstances because we imagine it will hinder our communion with Him? .....Our Lord and Master never chose His own circumstances, He was meek towards His Father's dispensation for Him; He was at home with His Father wherever His body was placed.

We have to learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God, and to learn to abide in Him where we are placed."

New Website...

Hey there, I have a new website finally! I have been working on it for a while now and I am very excited to have it done. Being a web designer / programmer and all I figured I should have a site that I actually made.

You can now pre-order my new cd entitled Where We Are And Where We Long To Be. I just finished recording all my parts and it is in the mixing process now. I am very excited to get it done, and I am hoping to have it available within the month or so. $5 gets you a copy of the cd if you pre-order it. You can do that by rolling over the album image in the right pane and clicking the purchase link. If you feel like sending me some cash towards getting it duplicated I would really appreciate any help. Shoot me an email in the contact page to ask me where to send it to.

Also take note, this blog is going to be functioning as my news and my blog entries. I am importing them into my new site from here. So you'll be able to read them there and there will be links for making comments and all that.

So anyway, check it out every so often to see if its up yet. Should be soon.

My Part In Loss

I had a pretty intense experience a couple weeks back. On Saturday, August 30th, a young 27 year old guy by the name of Bryan McQueen was driving his motorcycle down 131 in Grand Rapids when he lost control and was killed. I did not know Bryan at all. He however knew me, or at least knew me for my music. The week after he died his family, through various channels, was attempting to connect with me anyway they could. They wanted me to come and play at Bryan's funeral. Bryan had apparently shared with his family how much he enjoyed my album Still Frame and liked my music. I received about 3 phone calls from his family, an email from a pastor involved with the funeral ceremony, and a couple other calls from people related to the family. The message to me was loud and clear that it would really mean a lot to this family if I could come and sing at the funeral. I felt an incredible sense of humility to know that this family would choose to involve me in the ceremony to remember their son, grandson, brother, friend, fiancee, war veteren. There was a sense welling up in me that this was one of those moments I had always hoped God would use me and my music for. To minister to people who were hurting incredibly. I agreed to play and walked into the church quietly and alone on Sept 6 to get ready to play the 3 songs they had asked me to play, Be Thou My Vision, Free Lands, and Lift Up Your Eyes. I got sat up and ran through my songs as practice and sound check. As I was practicing Lift Up Your Eyes I could see someone out of the corner of my eye watching and listening to me. Afterwards this person came up and spoke to me briefly. It was Bryan's mother. She thanked me through her tears for being willing to come and play, and I was speechless. I really had no idea what to say to this woman who just lost her son. A little while later she came back again, this time with Bryan's dad, and fiancee. To say the moment was extremely intense and emotional would be a pretty big understatement. They thanked me again and did their best to smile and greet me. Then they walked away to talk to more family and grieve. The church where the funeral was being held was completely packed. I am guessing a few hundred people attended. The sadness in the room was just completely overwhelming. I got up to play my songs about half way through the service, and I marvel at the fact now that I got through them without breaking down myself even though I didn't know Bryan. There was sadness and despair, intermingled with hope, faith, and love. It was intense to say the least.

I had to leave right after I finished my songs because I had another show I was supposed to be at right away. I never got a chance to talk to anyone else at the funeral afterwards. I walked out feeling like I had lost someone. Like he was my friend, my brother. It was the same feeling I had leaving every other funeral I have ever been to. A sense of being powerless, incapable, incomplete. I have heard people say, "everyone dies, its a natural part of life". I don't care what anyone says, death is not a natural part of life. Death is the antithesis of life. It's the complete and utter opposite. It is the void. We were not made to die. We were made to have life and have it to the full.

I was unbelievably honored, and humbled to be a part of the funeral. I can't think of a way that God could more directly use me and my music to minister to people. It put all my prior cares about music to rest. If I was only ever given the ability to sing and play guitar so that I could be a part of that service, or other services like it, then so be it. However, if that was my only business, then I can't wait for the day that my business dries up.

If you could, keep Bryan's family, fiancee, and friends in your prayers, as they mourn and groan over the loss of their loved one, just as creation mourns and groans in longing for restoration and new life.

What Hoping For The Wrong Things Has Taught Me

The past couple months have been interesting to say the least. God very visibly showed me something about myself. I can remember the night before the song got on the radio. I was at a restaurant with a friend of mine enjoying some beer and buffalo wings, talking about God and what He was doing in our lives and what we desired in our relationship with Him. That night on my way home my prayer was that God would be more real to me. That He would show Himself to me, and use me in other peoples lives through my music, through my work, my attitude, whatever means He deemed necessary. The very next day the song was played on the radio, and all those prayers got answered very clearly. God was using me to affect other peoples lives. He very clearly came out of the slumber He seemed to be in and used me in a great way. I however forgot my prayer from the night before.
Very quickly my desire changed from wanting to affect other peoples lives, to "how can I use this to get me out of my current position in life". How can I use it to deliver myself from the ho-hum of everyday life that seemed to be sapping me dry. I forgot about my desires to affect other peoples lives. In classic "Rick" fashion, I focused on myself.
God didn't stop using me in other peoples lives, I just was not paying attention to it. My hopes and prayers were being fulfilled before my eyes, but I had them shut. I feel a need to apologize to all those out there who think of me as some super spiritual holy man. I am nothing of the sorts. I am a broken individual, as broken as anyone else. Thank God for grace for without it I am without hope.
To all of you who sent me emails saying how much my music has meant to you, I can't thank you enough. I hope to keep writing music that helps you through whatever you are dealing with. I am open God to be used again. Help me not to make it about me, cause its never about me. I have gotten myself nowhere, and will continue to go nowhere as long as I try to get myself somewhere. You are my God, and I long for you Lord. I long to be near you. I long to be free from this nagging need for recognition and fulfillment from all the wrong things. Be real again to me, and help me to keep my eyes open to your moving.

How Going To Cornerstone University Changed My Life (this is not a plug)

Lately I have been reminded over and over again of a decision I made in 1997. I had just graduated from high school, I was newly engaged to my then girlfriend Nicole Barrett, and I was all set to go to Cornerstone University to further my education. There was only one small problem. I had no money. My parents weren't particularly well off, but they were helping as much as possible, and Cornerstone was really, really expensive. So I made a very difficult decision. I decided not to go to Cornerstone.
I had to tell this to Nicole, which very nearly ended our relationship because we had both been planning to go to Cornerstone for quite some time and she was very excited about the prospect of us being together more often and going to the same school. Oh yeah, did I mention that I decided to break this news to her the day before we left for college. My timing was impeccable.
On the day we were both supposed to leave for college I decided to go along with Nicole. Mainly to see her off, but also to tell the student development I had decided not to go because I didn't have enough money. The response I got kinda shocked me. When I told Josh Williams, the head student development guy, that I wasn't coming he said, "What if we could get you more money?" I responded by saying that it would really have to be a lot of money. In the ball park of $5000 dollars. He said to stay right where I was at... he'd be right back. He came back about 20 minutes later with the money I needed to make going to Cornerstone a possibility. I changed my decision.
I can only conclude that God orchestrated that whole scenario. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, about my life right now would be the way it is if God had not gotten me that extra money to go to college there. I would not be married to Nicole because there is no way we could have survived that whole issue and stayed together. Thus I wouldn't have the 3 beautiful children I have now.
I wouldn't have the job I have that supports my whole family and allows us to live and level of comfort that I don't deserve. Especially in a failing economy. Especially when I know lots of people struggling financially who don't deserve to be.
I wouldn't have met all the people that I now call my best friends, and who have impacted, influenced, and encouraged me to become who I am. I wouldn't have stayed involved with music because it was my friends who encouraged and brought that out of me.
I wouldn't have searched all around Grand Rapids for a vibrant church to attend that would offer the opportunities for growth and development that Ada Bible Church has given me. Ada has an amazing worship team that has been a huge impact on me musically, and with the growth that Ada experienced at the time the opportunity opened up for me to start leading worship. If I hadn't started singing and leading worship, I would never have had the guts to start writing and performing my own songs.
If I hadn't started writing and performing my own stuff, nothing that has happened in the last few months would have happened. That decision to go to Cornerstone after God provided a means of getting there set so many things in motion for me that to try and lay it all out here would take way too long and no one would want to stick around and read it all.
One decision, that at the time just seemed like a cool blessing because I got to go to the college I wanted to go to, turned into a decision that completely changed who I am.
It's hard for me to see God moving in my future because it hasn't happened yet. I have no idea what He is going to do. All I know is that I can trust Him for my future because I can look at my past and see the amazing things He did for me. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Certainly doesn't take away the anxiousness to know whats next though.
I can only assume that if I hadn't gone to Cornerstone, I would still be living in my parents basement, drinking a lot of beer, listening to a lot of Metallica, and probably still working the grill at Wendy's. Actually I still do those last three... hmm, well I don't live in my parents basement anyway so thats good. And really, after the St. Anger album, who listens to Metallica? If you held on to Metallica long enough to hear that album, you let go immediately upon hearing it. And don't get all hung up on the drinking beer part... the one thing I couldn't hear enough of at Cornerstone was discernment. I know when to stop. Finally, I don't specifically work the grill at Wendy's anymore, but I do work a mean grill at home with all the training I got from Wendy's. Thank you Wendy. Thank you.

Struggling

For a while now, I have struggled with some depression. It's that kind where you can't really put a finger on what's wrong, you just know that something isn't right. For whatever reason, the things that should bring you joy don't and its a struggle to get through a day without feeling like you had wasted it completely on meaningless tasks. Whenever I get into this state of mind, I find myself staying up very late basically to avoid going to sleep and just having to do the same day over again. Does anyone else fall in this hole? The walls of the hole seem so steep that you feel like you will never be able to climb out. Over the last year I have started to be able to identify when this depression is settling in on me. The common denominator seems to be my current job. I say that knowing that some people from work may be reading this. I haven't shied away from honesty in the past and I won't start now.
My main duty at work is to be a web application developer. It's really a great job, with a great company, a great boss, and fair pay. I can't complain about any of that. What makes my heart ache is the day in, day out, same old routine of going to my desk and programming for a day, then back home, get a couple hours with the kids and wife, dink around on the computer for a while, back to bed and up in the morning to start the whole thing over again. I have this overwhelming desire to be having some sort of impact on peoples lives, but in sitting at my desk 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, I feel like I have very little impact on those around me for God. Let alone the fact that my attitude is terrible at work most days so even when I get a chance to impact someone I blow it with my stressed out, impatient attitude. I kind of fell into this job and now I have been here for 6 years, in those 6 years the wife and I have had 3 kids, we have a healthy mortgage, college payments and other debt, and no time. So I really can't go back to school for anything, and if I could go back to school, what would I go back for? No school has what I am looking for.
So the feeling I get is that I am trapped. I have worked myself into a situation that I can no longer see a way out of. I think of my dad, who when he was very young (18) started a family and had to get a good job quick, and managed to get into General Motors building cars. It wasn't necessarily a dream job, but it paid the bills. He ended up working there for 32 years or something like that. He didn't enjoy it, but he worked himself into that situation where he had no other options. He had to do it to provide for his family. That is where I am. I have to work to provide for my family.
Then comes this taste of what could possibly be a way out. This minor bit of local celebrity. This fleeting moment of acknowledgment. God how I want that to be my path. God how I want to be out there doing music, talking and interacting with people on an intimate basis. I pray everyday that it is where He is leading me, knowing full well that it may very well never happen, other than the local shows I do (which by the way thanks to everyone who comes to those, they are seriously what keep me going sometimes). He has it all in His hands and I have to wait. My friend Mike wrote a post in his blog recently that relates to this somewhat. His loneliness is to his longing for relationships that are real, as my depression is to my desire for a life that is real. I want a life that matters.
I realize very quickly what you are thinking to yourself... "all lives and occupations matter in the kingdom." I know. I understand that God has me in the position I am in for a reason. He is teaching me something. I am where I am for a reason, and until that reason is accomplished He isn't going to move me. But anyone who has been in my position knows what I am saying. It is hard to see how anything I am doing on a daily basis could possibly matter for the Kingdom of God. But I know it does. Somehow in ways I may never know or understand, what I am doing in my life matters to God, and He is teaching me and molding me through it.
Occasionally I will hear stories from some friends who really have similar stories to what I have just shared. The difference is that they have God in their sights and even when things seem desperate, they don't let it get to them, at least they don't show it. God I want that kind of attitude. Lord help me to see you in all the details and not to struggle anymore with my petty problems. I feel homesick.

Here is a quick quote... again from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 10:
"You can never give to another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have."

A Much Needed Break...

It's been a while since I posted anything so I thought I should get on that. Last week the family and I took a much needed vacation. We were offered the use of a cabin on Lake Bellaire which is right next to Torch Lake up towards Traverse City in the northern region of Michigan's lower peninsula. It was a really good time. We hadn't gotten to take a real vacation in the last 5 years since Derek our oldest was born. We purposely didn't plan anything to do up there. Each day consisted of sitting around on the beach, watching the kids play in the water, going out for ice cream, having a nice dinner together, and the best part was naps. It was quiet and uneventful, which is exactly what we have needed. With so much going on lately it seemed like the wife and I were on the brink of losing our minds.
One thing I had planned on doing while on vacation was using some of that extra time I had to get caught up on some devotional stuff, reading more of the Bible, spending lots of time in prayer, working on new songs, and generally just reconnecting with God. That did not happen. I didn't read anything, except for The Chronicles Of Narnia (The Magician's Nephew, my current favorite in the series). I didn't even crack open my Bible, or devotional book, and set large amounts of time aside to pray. I really didn't play my guitar that much or work on any new tunes. In some aspects I was disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen, but in other ways I wasn't so concerned. I don't know that God meant for the vacation to be a time where I completely focused on myself. It was a great time to connect with the wife and kids that I don't get to hang out with nearly as much as I would like to. I got to have fun with the kids building sand castles and watching them play all over. I got to hang out with my wife in an environment that didn't have a schedule, or deadlines, or alarm clocks. It was a much needed vacation from the responsibilities of home and work. All we had to do was make sure the kids were fed and put to bed.
The one thing I did that I regret was that I couldn't resist the temptation to sneak away from the cabin while everyone was sleeping, get to a local coffee house with my laptop, and aimlessly surf around the internet for a while. I have had this addiction to the internet, or my computer I should say, for quite a while. I depend on it a little too much. I have to have it with me at all times. One day later in the week I was suddenly hit with the conviction and realization that I had made special time to spend with myself on the internet, but I hadn't set aside any time I had originally wanted to use to reconnect with God. One of the many weaknesses I have that came out on vacation... selfishness. I want my time for me. I want to do, what I want to do. Not what you want to do.
So even though I decided not to set time aside with God on my vacation, He was with me teaching me something about myself that needs some work. Another area where the Spirit doesn't quite have the free reign He desires to have.

On another note, thanks to everyone who came out to the Baker Book House show. It was a really great time and I appreciate you all being there to support me and listen to what I had to say. The crowd was extremely attentive and responsive which made the show extremely intimate and an amazing personal experience for me. Also thanks to the few of you who got up early last Sunday to come see me at Festival Of The Arts in Grand Rapids. There wasn't a lot of you there, but it was a lot of fun getting to sing for you on that enormous sound system in the middle of downtown with my voice and guitar echoing all over the place.

Another quick note, I am working on a new cd, sort of. When asked about my current cd and why I wrote it, it really came down to just wanting to have something physical that proved I had written songs. I wasn't expecting it to get out there as much as it has. So in response to the fact that people are enjoying the songs, I have gotten a band together, and we are re-recording many of the songs with full band arrangements. We also are adding a few new songs. I am very excited for it because I think its going to turn out very well. We are trying to get it done as quickly as possible and I would anticipate it being done and ready by the end of July, but I can't give an exact date just yet. Keep checking back for updates.

That's it for me now. It's late and I need some sleep.

Lift Up Your Eyes

Something that has intrigued me for a long time, as far as writing music goes, is the opportunity you have to share a little of yourself with those who will take the time to listen to you. In the past I have blogged about the meaning of some of my songs. I have kind of purposely avoided writing an explanation for the lyrics to Lift Up Your Eyes. I did this mostly because the song seems to take on a different meaning for whoever is listening to it. The history of the song is simple enough...

A couple years ago Andy Ferris, the Ada Bible Church worship director, was putting together a cd of original songs for our children's ministry that would focus on and revolve around the story of the Israelites being raised up out of slavery and delivered by God in the story known as the exodus. He asked me if I would be interested in helping to write some of the music, and being a pretty new song writer and singer at the time I thought this was a good opportunity to get some experience and stretch myself a little. So as he explained the idea to me of what he wanted to do I got very excited and began thinking over song ideas. Now most every song I have ever written has usually taken me a while to put together, I mean like weeks or months, or longer in some cases. This song was for some reason very different. Andy explained his idea to me at church on a Thursday evening at around 9pm, and I literally had the song nearly finished, at least in my head, before I reached my car in the parking lot at 9:30ish. I rushed home to get the idea down on paper and make a really crappy recording on my computer, which I immediately sent to Andy to see what he thought. He responded with a "sounds good" and we rolled with it.

The song to me at that moment was literally about the Israelites being raised out of slavery. No real secondary meanings or symbolic imagery or anything. I just got that hook in my head..."Lift up your eyes, O Israel...", I started reading over the story of the Israelites, and looked up some verses to help me focus on how much it must have sucked to be under the whips of Pharaoh's task masters, and wrapped a song around that hook. To me, when I wrote the song about 2 years ago now, it was really just a cool tune that I had kinda slapped together for a kids album, and now that it was finished I could move back towards the business of writing the really symbolic, personal, poetic stuff I was trying to write.

What happened next was pretty unexpected. I played it for my family first, and after they got past the initial shock that I was smart enough to write a song, they started talking about how good they thought it was. They started playing it for all their friends and co-workers and I was very pleased that my family and a few others thought it was good. I was satisfied. But then things started getting weird. People were asking me to come to their church and sing the song. I was asked if I would play it at a funeral. I was even asked one time by a young woman who ran a children's dance class if I would be willing to play the song while the kids in her class did a routine to it around me. I turned that one down. What I started to notice through all this was that people were seeing the song as more than just a song about the Israelites being brought out of slavery. People were relating the song to the struggles they were currently going through. That was exactly what I had wanted to accomplish with the more "mature, sophisticated" music I was trying to write. The fact that this song, that I spent literally about 5 minutes on, accomplished that floored me.

Now, with the attention the song has gotten on the radio, I have had a whole new group of people come to me with what the song has meant to them. How it helped them with going through a divorce, failing health, losing loved ones, financial problems, and the list goes on. My original idea of what this song was about has been completely shattered, and I am ok with that. I love that God used the one song I didn't think would go anywhere to completely take me wherever He wanted to take me. That I have learned is how He works. I have nothing to do really with where I am. He will take me where He wants, and do with me what He wants to do. He gave me the words and music for that song in the way and time that He did because He had a plan for it and how people could be ministered to through it. If nothing more comes out of the events of this past month or so, I am completely ok with that. The opportunities for ministry and working in other peoples lives, and seeing God work in other peoples lives has been amazing, and its made this last month rather intense in my relationship with God. It has really rejuvenated my spiritual life when I feel like I was at a rather dark spot. Not that the problems I had have gone away, but I was given a much needed affirmation that God is working in my life. And so now there is the meaning of "Lift Up Your Eyes" to me. When the floor seemed to be dropping out from under me spiritually, God broke in and gave me a much needed reminder that in the moments when I feel most alone and abandoned, He is most present with me.

So what does the song mean to you? I would love to hear more stories of how people have been helped by the song, and how God has worked in peoples lives through it. It doesn't even have to include the song, just tell me a little about yourself, give me a prayer request, whatever you want to share. Leave comments or shoot me an email at rick.hopkins@gmail.com.

Where Am I Going Tomorrow?

The question I get from my son Derek nearly every day. "Daddy, where am I going tomorrow?" It's nearly always 1 of three answers. He is either going to school, to daycare, or he is staying home with us. Nearly always. Occasionally there is a day when we decide to surprise him. Sometimes we'll have some grand event planned for the next day that we try to keep secret from him, and we may occasionally drop hints about it. Sometimes though he asks so many questions that we get annoyed by it and it really takes out all the fun for us in trying to surprise him. One time, it got so annoying and persistent that we decided to drop the surprise. All parents I am sure have had an experience like this. You want to do something special for you kids, you make all these plans to really make a special day together with them, and they ruin it by annoying persistence in impatience. That is the nature of parenthood. Trying to be an awesome parent to kids who are not always awesome kids. Kids who can't accept the fact that their parents have something great planned for them. Kids who can't wait patiently for their parents to unveil this amazing surprise. Kids, who sometimes, when they see the surprise finally, are not pleased because it wasn't what they had envisioned and dreamed up in their heads.

I am that kid.

These last few weeks have been awesome. Getting my song on WCSG has been an unbelievable experience for sure. I have gotten lots of emails from friends, family, acquaintances, and some strangers made new friends, all voicing support for me and my music. I've been getting emails and phones calls about possible shows I could perform at. I have gotten really good reviews on my album from people I really respect. I've even sold a few albums, which is a nice bonus considering the ridiculous gas prices and my 40 minute drive to work. My name seems to be getting "out there" a little bit. I realize consciously that this is just one radio station, and that nothing more may come of getting my song on the radio. However I can't help but feel like I am on some trajectory towards something really cool. All the events and path of my life, as I look back on it all, seem to be pointing to this time. I could go into detail, but the story would get too long for a blog post. Long story short, it feels like God has something amazing planned for me. Something I don't deserve because I keep trying to guess it. In fact I would say that I have moved past the impatient guessing, into the annoying, pestering questions, and trying to take this experience into my own hands because obviously I can make this thing happen myself, and on my terms, and in my timing.

What if God does have something amazing planned for me that will come out of this experience, but it is nothing, and I mean nothing, like what I think it is, or am trying to make it into? I want to know where I am going so bad. Am I ruining the surprise? I am that annoying kid that can't help but need to know what his dad has planned for him.

Father, take that desire from me. Give me a peace to know that you have a plan that is for me, and that will glorify you. Not me.

I have tried for a long time to plan my own future. Now I don't mean retirement planning, and planning for vacations, etc. I mean, planning my own service. How I am going to serve God. How I am going to make an impact on this world for Him. I have chosen my path. The path that I think works out best. So again, I go to some words from Oswald...

From April 23rd In My Utmost For His Highest...

"Beware of any work for God which enables you to evade concentration on Him."

"...when once the concentration is on God, all the margins of life are free and under the dominance of God alone."

"There is no responsibility on you for the work; the only responsibility you have is to keep in living constant touch with God, and to see that you allow nothing to hinder your cooperation with Him."

"We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for."

"God engineers everything. Wherever He puts us, our one great aim is to pour out a wholehearted devotion to Him in that particular work."

I'm taking to the airwaves...

That's right folks, you can now hear me on 91.3 WCSG in west Michigan. Yesterday morning at 7am they started playing my song "Lift Up Your Eyes". I immediately started getting calls from co-workers and friends saying, "dude, your song is on the radio!" Needless to say it was a surreal and amazing moment to hear myself over the radio. Then they kept playing the song. They ended up playing it 3 or 4 times. It was an awesome day. I sent out lots of emails to tell people, and I got emails from people telling me they heard it. It was very cool.

The coolest part of my day came in the form of an email from the station manager at WCSG. He basically explained how much he and the staff at the radio station enjoyed the cd and are putting it into their regular rotation for the next 8 - 10 weeks! Crazy! And they want me to come into the studio sometime with my guitar to talk about the cd and to play some of the songs. I don't even know what to think about all this happening so fast other than, praise God, this is amazing! Even if nothing more comes out of this, it's been a great day and I thank God for it. How many people can say a song they wrote is getting airtime on a pretty popular radio station? Not many. I have been feeling for a while now that I really want to move forward with music and get really serious about it. Hopefully this is what gets it rolling. I can't wait to see where God leads me here. I really, really hope that this day gets some wheels under it and things start rolling.

Oh yeah, big thanks to Topher at WCSG for getting my cd in front of the people that mattered their to get it on the air. Thanks to Andy Ferris for recording for me.
So now I need people to call in and request the song. Get me the hook up folks! Start calling and requesting the song "Lift Up Your Eyes". Even if you don't listen the station. Just call and request it or call and tell them how much you liked that song, whatever. Help a brother out.

Our God is an amazing God! I can't thank Him enough for putting me in the position I am in. He has for whatever reason chosen to bless me beyond my worth. I can not thank Him enough.

So what do I do now? I gotta get my act together and get some shows, put a band together, and start getting really serious about this stuff. I am super pumped. Big day!!! ("how about one more exclamation point? no, doesn't need it? ok. " - Flight Of The Conchords reference there for anyone who caught it.)

29

So I am officially 29 years old as of 22 minutes ago. It really feels the same as 28, which felt the same as 27, which felt the same as 26, 25, 24, etc. Really as far as my mental state goes, I feel young still. Physically, while 29 is by no means old, my body has all these weird ailments that I know I didn't have when I was 18. Be that as it may, here are some memories from my life up to this point.

• My earliest memory is me standing by our front door in a diaper, watching my older sisters play outside. That is the first thing I can ever remember, I must have been like 2 or 3.
• When I was 5 I cracked my head when my dad had to stomp on the breaks in our old death trap van. I had to get stitches. That's the first and real lasting memory of intense pain I ever had. I remember breaking free of the restraints on the bed and punching the nurse, it was awesome.
  
• At the tender age of 10, or however old you are in 5th grade, I had my first crush on a girl named Jennifer Simpson, and she liked me back. Her dad was in the military, and they ended up moving to Hawaii towards the middle of the school year. I was devastated. Came home crying to mommy, but couldn't get up the courage to tell her I was crying over a girl. That was the second real lasting memory of intense pain.
• When I was in 9th grade or so I had my second crush on a girl named Sara Mast. However being the ugliest and most awkward kid in school didn't help me in that endeavor. I asked her to homecoming and she responded with a "oh I can't, I am not going". When I went to homecoming solo, there she was dancing with the popular guy in school. I remember asking her to dance once and she said yes, but I notice her whispering something to her friend right before she got up to dance with me. Her friend rushed off, we went to dance. We got about half the way through the song when "Mr Popular" came over and forcefully cut in on me and her, and basically making me look like a complete looser in front of most of my class. I believe this event single handedly destroyed any chance of getting any further dates with girls at my high school.
  
• When I was in 10th grade I had a pretty intense year. I lost my best friend Rob Mason in a fatal car crash. He was my best friend from the day I stepped on the bus for the first time to go to school. I have never felt a pain like that. It was exactly what CS Lewis describes in "A Grief Observed". You go on living, but in everything you do, everything you eat, everything you drink, listen to, read, play... something is missing. Read that book if you are in that sort of pain. It definitely helps you put a face to it. This event did however turn me onto the idea of there being something more to life. This road would eventually lead me to becoming a Christian. Did I understand what that meant yet?
  
• On the brighter side of 10th grade, I got my drivers license, a car, and a job. It was awesome to finally, at least feel independent. I had my own transportation, my own cash, my own responsibilities. I remember feeling like a completely different person.
  
• In 11th grade, I once again took up my crush on Sara Mast. I had somehow deceived myself into thinking maybe things were different and I had a chance with her now. Well, on one blistery, winter day in science class I decided to try one of those color changing gobstoppers (I don't really know if it was blistery and winter, its just for effect). I remember, like an idiot, taking it out of my mouth to see what color it was and popping it back into my mouth, only to have it slip to the back of my throat which induced choking. I mean real, gasping for breath, dying, choking. No one would pay attention to the fact that I was doing the universal sign for choking with both hands on my neck. I managed to stumble up to the front of class to the teachers desk and started pounding on his desk. He looked at me as if I were a complete idiot and said, "I can do that too", and he pounded back at me. At this point I was beginning to black out. Since no one was helping me, I decided to perform the Heimlich maneuver on myself by punching myself in the gut. I did this a few times and began to fall to the ground from lack of oxygen. On one last attempt I punched myself in the stomach and was spinning around to face the class. It worked! The gobstopper popped out, however it managed to fly directly onto the desk of who other than Sara Mast, covered in saliva and looking basically disgusting. She screamed and dove out of the way generally disgusted by the whole incident. I meanwhile had fallen to the ground and collapsed from lack of oxygen. My science teacher rushed over and screamed, "You were choking? Why didn't you tell me?" This ruined any chance I had of ever dating Sara, either then, or in the future.
• My senior year in high school I finally met someone who liked me back. Nicole Barrett of St Johns, MI. She didn't go to my high school so she had no idea how much of a looser I was. This worked out to my advantage. Our first date was my homecoming, and we dated for 2 and a half years after that. We got engaged the summer after high school, and were married the summer after our sophomore year at college. I was 20, she was 19. This was my happiest time of life up to that point. I felt like I had all things worked out relationally, physically, and spiritually. I was in a great relationship, exercised all the time and felt great, and thought I had it all figured out as far as my religious beliefs went. My life up to this point seemed to have moved in slow motion. It was about to pick up greatly though.
• On December 21, 2002, Nicole and I welcomed our first child, Derek, into our lives. The only word I can give to the whole experience of the first child is surreal. It felt like I was watching the whole thing while having some sort of out of body experience. It was also the new greatest moment of my life. Derek was a tough baby, he cried a lot and was gassy and what not. But what he taught me in patience has definitely helped me now. And being the first born, he holds a special place in my heart. He is ridiculously funny and witty. He could probably quote the entire movie of "Cars" to you.
  
• On May 12, 2005, Grace was born. This time around, it seemed to move me way more emotionally. I can remember choking back the tears as she came into the world. I remember my first thought when I saw her was, "my God she is beautiful". I think that comes from the fact that when Derek was born the labor was very intense for Nicole and they had to use the suction thing to get Derek out, and it was just crazy. When Grace was born, the process was just a lot smoother and there was less chaos in the delivery room. And when she came out, she literally was flawless. Her skin was crystal clear and flawless. She hardly cried and was an amazingly cute little girl. Now, at the age of 2 almost 3, she still strikes me that way, that is of course when she isn't getting away with murder around the house.
• On October 10, 2006, Jack was born. This time around I felt like an old pro at the whole having kids thing. Jack was a tough one to adjust to. He was like Derek as far as crying a lot and being gassy. Once we got past the 3 or 4 month mark with Jack though, he really changed. He was much less work and was very easy going and fun. He is also a tank. I don't where he gets his size from but as of right now, he is huge and all muscle. He is kind of like Derek in that he is really funny and playful. He is also a baby genius.

These are just a few of many moments that stick out to me from what life has dealt me so far. There are many, many more moments that come to me, and thankfully most of them are really good, happy moments. The painful memories that I listed above I think really stick out to me because of the intensity of them, not to mention the time of life that they happened.
How about you? What are your most intense memories of what life has dealt you? Be they painful or happy...

What Am I Looking For?

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone out there know what it is exactly that they are looking for? I often feel like I am waiting for someone to say something to me that is going to completely change my life. Maybe an artist I like will write a song or say something that completely changes my view on life. Maybe a pastor somewhere will give a sermon that will turn my life upside down and I will suddenly know how to live the Christian life the way it is supposed to be lived. I will be the complete father, the complete husband, the complete employee, son, friend, musician, reflection of Christ... etc... etc.

I get the feeling that I will never see this come to pass.

Don't get me wrong. I have had those mountain top moments when I heard something said, some amazing point made, some truth spoken, that got me all revved up and ready to go out and save the world and be an amazing witness for Christ. Those mountain top moments, as we all know, fade away and real life sets back in, and I find myself waiting for that next mountain top moment. But what is it that keeps me from being on the mountain all the time? Oh man, this is heading for some cheesy cliches real quick.

Let's put it this way... what am I waiting to hear that I haven't heard already? What am I waiting to hear that is going to flip some switch in my head and make me into a super Christ follower? I have heard the truths of Christ and His sacrifice for the world He loved, for the people He loved, for the person He loved. I can say out loud that I believe these truths. I can talk it with my friends and family, and make an attempt at passing these on to my kids. But it seems like a constant struggle to cling to that belief and not look for truth in something, or someone else.

I guess what I am saying is that I have heard and believed that Christ' sacrifice was (is) enough for me. But do I really believe it? I mean really, really, really believe it to my core? I don't think our 7 step systems to the happiest, most fulfilling, Christian life ever, or the quick happy meal sermons with nicely packaged little nuggets of how to live my life better are ever going to bring me closer to God, or make me believe more. I will end by referring to a previously quoted quote from a quote of Oswald Chambers. That sentence didn't really make sense, but anyway...

"But during this time, Chambers did not find satisfaction in Christianity, finding the Bible 'dull' and uninspiring. Finally, after four years of spiritual dryness, Chambers realized that he couldn't force himself to be holy. Once he realized that the strength and peace he was looking for was Christ himself, Christ's life in exchange for his sin, he experienced great renewal so much so that he described it as a 'radiant, unspeakable emancipation.'"

Hold Me In

For the second installment in my series where I explain songs that I have written I am going to cover a song called "Hold Me In". First off, the lyrics...

---

cover up the scars that mark your back
pretend I'm not here and I don't see
we both know the truth of who I am
we both know I'm not leaving by your hands

this is how I know you
you hold me in
this is how I know you
you hold me in

crawl into the hole inside your heart
make believe that your free and not hostage
we both know the truth of who I am
we both know I've got you in my grasp

this is how I know you
you hold me in
this is how I know you
you hold me in

don't believe that He could have felt the same
don't believe that He ever felt your pain
never realize the calling for which you were made

---

This song basically summarizes many of the struggles I go through with my personality and how I think. I am quite often ruled by anxiety, depression, and anger. I often let these emotions stay bottled up and I keep them to myself thinking that I should be able to handle it and fix it myself. Many times when I do this if deeply affects many relationships I have including my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and most importantly my relationship with God. And so the verses both talk about this conscious knowledge that I am sometimes ruled by these emotions, but that I try to ignore them or fix them myself, and quite often I fall flat on my face in failure. The chorus, "this is how I know you, you hold me in" is kind of a statement from the perspective of the spirit of depression or anxiety that the reason I continue to struggle with it is because I hold it in. I keep it to myself thinking I can fix myself. I don't reach out to God for help to deal with the issue. I don't seek God in the matter at all, nor do I seek help from others, but I try my hardest to deal with it myself. This has classically been a downfall in my personality that leaves me completely incapacitated every once in a while. Shut up in my bedroom not wanting to talk to anyone, doing anything, go anywhere, see anyone, etc.
In the bridge.. "don't believe that He ever felt the same, don't believe that He ever felt your pain, never realize the calling for which you were made"... Basically just restating the idea of forgetting who God has called me to be and letting myself be ruled by these powerful emotions, instead of being ruled by the Spirit of God. Two scriptures stick out to me that have helped me through dealing with these issues...

Romans 8:12 - 17
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Hebrews 2:10-18
In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers. He says,
"I will declare your name to my brothers; in the presence of the congregation I will sing your praises." And again, "I will put my trust in him." And again he says, "Here am I, and the children God has given me." Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil — and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

Free Lands

I decided that I would try something new with this blog. I am going to have a little series here where I explain some of the songs I have written. My main goal with writing music is essentially the same as the reason why I write this blog. I want to express something that I have dealt with or experienced. So the first song I will be going through is one I call "Free Lands". First the lyrics...

UPDATE: To hear the songs go to http://www.rickhopkins.com/

---

a million miles from here where the trees don't bend in fear
where histories don't exist, nor memories of the past
where relationships come fast and go slow

and finally I'll rest within your hands
breathing deeply the air of these free lands

where time has come to end the lives of business men
where all there is to do is throw ourselves at you
and dream of brighter days away from here

breathe deep, breathe deep

in moments all the more real, in waiting patiently to feel
in hopes of whats to come to bring us safely to our home
where pains and angers fade away from me

---

At the time of writing this song I was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety from my job and just life in general. When the anxiety would hit it was like I couldn't breathe. I still have this issue occasionally. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to get away, or a longing for a place that is free from all these worries and stresses. So a lot of this song really just reflects that desire I have, or this longing to be in the presence of God where there is no fear, no anxiety, no stress. Where I can breathe deeply and freely an air that is distinctly absent of these negative elements.

Are you listening? Wooooooooooooo

Ok, so I am nearly positive that no one has ever read this blog. Be that as it may, I can't let that be an excuse for not keeping it up to date. So to all one of you out there reading this, that includes me, I apologize. My original intent was to use this site as a way to get stuff out that is developing within me. Ideas, beliefs, plans, family stuff, work stuff, etc. Basically the definition of a blog. I have failed at doing this, much as I feared I would. It's actually much more work than I thought it would be to write something at least once a week. I am the kind of person that before I go to write something, I need to feel like I have something to say. I don't want to turn into just another blog out there that has meaningless ramblings of somebody who has nothing to say really, whether it be good or bad, helpful or harmful, etc. I want to have something to say. That's kinda the goal for my life in general right now. Have some sort of impact on somebody. Hopefully in a good way.
Until that time when I actually do have something to say I shall again resort to Oswald Chambers. Here is a few excerpts from the January 31 reading that I find especially great...

- Our calling is not primarily to be holy men & women, but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God.
- The one thing that is all important is that the Gospel of God should be realized as the abiding Reality. Reality is not human goodness, nor holiness, nor heaven, nor hell; but Redemption; and the need to perceive this is the most vital need of the Christian worker today.
- Personal holiness is an effect, not a cause, and if we place our faith in human goodness, in the effect of Redemption, we shall go under when the test comes.
- As long as our eyes are upon our own personal whiteness, we shall never get near the reality of Redemption.

That seems like an old message, but it should be the only message. That the point of all that matters is the Redemption we have through Christ. The Gospel. Realize that and embrace it. I have always struggled with trying to fix myself. However, just as Oz says here, that personal goodness, or whiteness, has let me down every time.
I saw this again today as I was in charge of all three of my kids while the wife was away. I resolved myself this morning to staying self controlled and infinitely patient with the kids no matter what. Yeah, that lasted for about an hour until two of them had crapped themselves, they were all complaining incessantly of hunger despite clearing out our cupboards of all food items, and the volume level in my house was beginning to make my ears ring. Then it came out. That personal whiteness turned black real quick and I blew up. The rest of the day was an up & down roller coaster of me trying to stay controlled, but eventually always losing it. I never once took the time to pray for help, or even just step out for a sec, calm down and get my bearings or re-align myself with God.
We are proclaimers of the Gospel. Not proclaimers of how good of people we are now that we have redemption. Derek Webb says on his cd "The House Show" that he wished his sins could be put up on a big billboard that everyone could see, so that he would nothing to hide about himself, and nothing to hold onto but the Gospel message of Redemption through Christ. I am going to make this blog my billboard. I know that isn't too brave since really no one reads this, but hey it's a start.
Don't place any hope or faith in the effects of your redemption. Place all your hope and faith in Redemption itself. You are saved despite yourself.
That's all for now. I will try to keep this updated a little more often.

The Undetected Sacredness Of Circumstances

My favorite devotional book is one written by a man named Oswald Chambers called "My Utmost For His Highest". The man was utterly a genius. This book is a year long devotional with a message for each day. There have been multiple times when whatever Chamber's wrote for a particular day seem to be speaking directly to me. It's spooky sometimes.

One of those particular days came a while back on November 7. The days devotion was entitled The Undetected Sacredness Of Circumstances. The verse he uses as basis for the devotion is from Romans 8:28. Click the link above and read it for second then come back here...

Alright, did you get all that? The thing that struck me at least at the time of reading this passage was how dead on it was for how my life has been going. I remember on November 7th that I was having a lousy day at work, and I read this passage on my lunch break. I laughed out loud in my car as I read it the first line... "The circumstances of a saint's life are ordained of God". I even said out loud... "God you gotta be kidding me!" It was like Oswald was in the car with me. Me and Os. Sitting in my sweet Alero on my lunch break. I digress...

The thing is about getting caught up in trying to control the circumstances God puts us in instead of letting God control them. All our call is just to live the way God has designed us to live and let Him do the work around us. Oswald says it best...

"Am I making the Holy Spirit's work difficult by being indefinite, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession, and the human side is the circumstances I am in and the people I am in contact with. I have to keep my conscious life as a shrine of the Holy Ghost, then as I bring the different ones before God, the Holy Spirit makes intercession for them."

So that is why I am in the circumstances I find myself in. I am where I am because God put me there for some reason that I really have no business trying to figure out. All my call is to just live the way He made me to live wherever He has placed me.

There will be more from Oswald Chambers in future posts. The man is incredible. My favorite quote from his wikipedia page is...

"But during this time, Chambers did not find satisfaction in Christianity, finding the Bible 'dull' and uninspiring. Finally, after four years of spiritual dryness, Chambers realized that he couldn't force himself to be holy. Once he realized that the strength and peace he was looking for was Christ himself, Christ's life in exchange for his sin, he experienced great renewal so much so that he described it as a 'radiant, unspeakable emancipation.'"

"Daddy, why are you always mad?"

That was the very question my young son Derek asked me a few weeks back. I couldn't really give him a good answer. My first reaction was to become defensive. That's right I got angry with my 5 year old son about him asking me why I was always angry. I don't know what it is really that drives me to this point. I can't really put a finger on it. I sometimes blame it on work, or being tired, or just stress in general, but it's never the real excuse. It seems to come in phases as well. I will be go through these times when I am just on edge, angry, or stressed about something. Hiding it around other people is easy. Hiding it around my family is impossible. So what is it that drives me to this point?

The more I think about it, I think it is a general sense that I have of being a failure in every area of life. Spiritually, relationally, physically, and mentally. Whether I really am a failure or not is not the issue. It's the feeling I have and no matter what people tell me I have a lot of trouble shaking it. I know how I am in reality. I know my thoughts. I know my actions. I know what I say I believe. I can see the where none of these things line up. This to me equals failure. Am I the only one that feels like this?

There is this voice that screams loudly in my head. The voice nags me seemingly 24 hours a day, telling me that I am no where near good enough. That I will never be good enough. It tempts me to quit. To literally quit. My job, my family, my beliefs. Quit it all and give up because you will never be what you need to be in those areas. You fail as a husband. You fail as a father. You fail as a son, and brother. You fail as an employee. You fail as a follower of Christ.

Since I am a lover of music, I often look to songs to help me through whatever I am dealing with. One song in particular that really states how I feel is by Shane&Shane (who else?) called "Embracing Accusation". The one line in the bridge that just about reduces me to rubble everytime is... "the devil singing over me, and age old song, that I am cursed and gone astray... singing the first verse so conveniently over me, he's forgotten the refrain 'Jesus Saves'!"

It's so hard to block out that voice of accusation, and it is hard to grasp on to the truth of Jesus saving us in all areas of life. I can't hear those words enough. I need to hear them from the moment I wake up in the morning, to the moment I lay down again at night. God be with me and remind me all the time that you have saved me from these failures that I latch onto. Help me to let them go.

One

Ok so here is my first blog post. I am hoping to make this blog function as a sort of journal for my life. What I am thinking, how I am feeling, issues I am struggling with, and all that. I couldn't care less if anyone reads this, I basically just need somewhere to get some stuff out. So here goes...