Tension

I struggle with writing. I use to love to write. Lately I feel like I want to write badly, but when it actually comes to sitting down and doing it, I'm defeated before I start.

There is so much going on in my head lately that I feel weathered and worn from trying to battle it constantly. I can't keep the noise out. The still small voice that is in the mix somewhere is being over powered. I've tried to cut out all that doesn't need to be there. When I did that I just found myself to be restless. I can't stop thinking that I should be doing something. I don't know what that something is. It's driving me nuts. I don't mean that in the figurative "oh I'm going to go nuts" type way... I mean it's actually driving me nuts. Cuckoo... Bonkers...

I need to hear that still small voice more than anything else, but right now it seems that He caught laryngitis from trying to scream over all the noise. Now that I've gotten it quiet... He's tired of trying. And so, comes screaming back, my inside voice... "Do this... Do that... you should be reading more... exercising more... eating better... writing more... serving more... doing more, doing more, doing more, doing... busy busy busy"

There's all the external voices as well telling me how I should live. The voices that say sell everything, give it to the poor, and go serve somewhere. The voices that say write your music and devote yourself to it. Make a living doing what you love. Start charging money, start touring, start (fill in the space)... Do something... The voices that say "relax.. just be patient"... Then the voices that make me feel guilty for trying to be patient, as though I'm not moving fast enough... I'm not doing enough... I'm not good enough...

All the while, my wife needs me home. My kids need their dad. My family needs a leader. My employer needs a devoted employee. My friends need a friend. Others need a comforter, or a counselor, or somebody to pray with them or for them. I'm responsible to so many people in so many ways... I feel like I walk a tight rope of failure and the audience is expecting me to fall at any moment...

I find tension, stress, and frustration to be the trademarks of my early 30's thus far. I'm in this weird in-between stage of life where my main responsibility is to be a good father to the 4 kids I've helped bring into this world, and a good husband to the wife who's joined me on the trip. Everything in my life is fantastic... and at the same time, I've never felt more frustrated.

I was able to rid myself of the TV, which is pretty cool, until I realize I've got multiple hours to sit and think. When I think, I realize how broken I am. My mind churns over it. Then my mind churns over how broken it is.

I talk to myself. A lot. Over the past year or two I've lost a lot of time with my closest friends and now I find that to compensate I talk to myself. Like I said... bonkers...

I feel lonely... While surrounded by people constantly.

I am asking God lately to give me some clarity. Some direction. Some peace, joy, sanity... whatever... Just give me a sign... Something beautiful to inspire me... Something to sway my heart and move me... Just a little of His presence and Spirit to fill the space I've tried to create.

Occasionally, He is happy to oblige and I get to experience that fleeting moment of whatever it was that I needed the very most at that very moment. He gives me just enough so that I don't snap and end up in a mental institute... Thank you Lord for keeping me sane...

I look around at the world, and I realize how amazing my life is. I'm not starving. I'm not homeless. I have a job, cars, clothes, food on the table. I make more money in a year than most of the world dreams of seeing in a lifetime... My kids are healthy, my wife is beautiful, my life is great. Yet, there is this insatiable desire for more. I don't want more stuff. I don't want to sit and let my brain rot on facebook, twitter, or television... I don't want more accomplishments...

I want more of Him. I want more of God. I'm asking Him to make me who He wants me to be. Use me in whatever way He needs to use me. He's telling me to be patient... and I want to scream... The tension... The tension is about to break me. Maybe it's what He wants. Maybe He wants to break me so that I'm of some use that I can't possibly see right now.

Maybe I'm just talking to myself again. Maybe He's doing something.

God I hope so. I need to see something beautiful Lord.