The Stars

Last night, after a difficult evening, I decided to go out for a walk. Earlier in the evening my wife and I visited a friend who is in a hospice facility in Grand Rapids dying from cancer. I sang some praise songs for her, we talked for a while, and we prayed with her before we left. We hugged her and walked out of the facility and left to go home. She said a few things while we were there that became amazingly difficult for me to process. She has two little girls, and they didn't like to come visit her because it scared them. That was hard to imagine and process for me. However, the one thing she said that I can't get out of my mind is that she's scared to die, and she has been praying that God would take her in her sleep. I couldn't get out of my head last night that when she closes her eyes, she doesn't know if she's going to open them again. While that is true for all of us if we really consider it, the reality of it is completely concrete for her. It's not just this theoretical concept. When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I will more than likely open them again and get to go on enjoying my healthy wife and kids, my nice home, my cushy job, my friends, and on and on... I lost it a few times last night. Reality was a little too much for me. I decided to go for a walk.

As I was out walking, I was listening to one song over and over called "The Reckoning" by Andrew Peterson which is all about the longing for God to come back and make things right. I was sobbing like a baby. I mean full blown chest heaving, body shaking bawl fest... I can honestly say I haven't felt that broken since I lost my best friend in high school. While I am good friends with this woman, it wasn't losing her that was getting me. It was that her family was losing her, and that she was losing her family.

As I walked up the hill next to the local high school my eyes were drawn upward and I noticed that it was an incredibly clear night and all the stars were out. It was an absolutely amazing sight. All around me there was no lights on so it really brought the stars out. Saranac doesn't have much of a glow like a bigger city does so it made for some great star gazing. As I continued to walk and gaze up a thought started to stir in my head...

How often do you look up at the stars and not fully take them in? What I mean is that usually my star gazing experience consists of a quick glance up to see the neat little lights in the sky. I never take the time to look at them and think about just how unfathomable they really are. These little blinky lights are actually gigantic balls of fire and fury that are millions of miles away! It's easy to say that and not really let it register so let me say it again. These little twinkly lights are actually gigantic balls of fire and fury that if you were to even get within a 1,000,000 miles of you'd be incinerated. They are on a scale of size that you can't fathom, and they are a distance away from us that is so astronomical that if we traveled at the speed of light we'd never reach most of them in our lifetime. Does that strike anyone as completely unfathomable and unbelievable? I mean we know it's true because all the scientist who have done the leg work tell it is true, and because we can simply look up and see them. So we know they exist, but how seriously do we take them?

They are beautiful and terrifying. They are infinitely distant, but we are comforted by their light which doesn't seem so far. They are so unapproachable that if we get within 1,000,000 miles we'd be completely incinerated, yet we are drawn to them.

My gazing up at the stars turned into worship of the God of the universe. Everything in us, if we are honest, knows there is more to this existence then what we see. He's there. We can all see Him. Creation is screaming out His existence. We can give him a quick glance and walk away never taking him seriously. Or we can gaze full on into His amazing face and stand in awe at how incredible He is. He is holy and exists in unapproachable light... yet we long so desperately to be drawn into Him. He is beautiful, but He is fire and fury and will not take second place in our hearts to anything else.

Decide for yourself, but I feel that gazing at the stars and the cosmos may be just about the most convincing proof for the existence of God that there is. I was comforted by that last night as I was thinking about my friend who is losing her life. My prayer for my friend is that, that God who is bigger than the stars and closer than we can bear sometimes would bring her peace as she closes her eyes at night with the uncertainty of whether she will open them again here on this broken planet, or within His presence.

Worship

2 Samuel 6:5 - "David and the whole house of Israel were celebrating WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT before the Lord..."
2 Samuel 6:14 - "David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord WITH ALL HIS MIGHT..."
2 Samuel 6:16 - "And when she (Michal, David's wife) saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart..."
2 Samuel 6:21,22 - "I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this..."

Do you celebrate with all your might before the Lord, or do you look on at those who do and despise them?.... Just a quick note from a worship leader... It'd make my job way more fun if we all worshipped WITH ALL OUR MIGHT before the Lord!

Hope

Sometimes the brokenness of the world just seems to be too much. Maybe I'm just getting older and my mortality is becoming more real. Maybe the feeling of invincibility from youth is starting to wear off. Maybe I am just starting to realize how broken this place we call home really is.

Seems like the number of heartbreaking stories I hear is on the rise. The number of success stories is in steep decline. At least once a month I hear another story about someone being diagnosed with cancer. Every couple months I hear a story about a pregnancy or delivery that goes terribly wrong and the child is born with severe health problems, or is not born at all. Every once in a while you get the sudden death of a loved one, or one of your friend's loved ones, or one of your friends, or your friend's friend...etc, etc. You turn on the tv for more than 1 minute and you'll see a tragic story about death, or genocide, or natural disasters that kill in the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, or even the hundreds of thousands... the numbers and the stories become too much for me. They become unreal in a way.

When was the last time you lost someone? Are you losing someone? Are you losing yourself?

My grandma Rose died a few years back. While I wasn't close with my grandmother, seeing the reaction of all my aunts and uncles and my mom, all her children... it was terrible. I sang at the funeral. My mom asked if I'd sing "The Old Rugged Cross". I barely made it through the song. Not because I was in mourning as much as I felt like I had a front row seat to watch a room full of people mourn. I don't know if that song helped them or not, but I certainly hope it got them through that.

When I was in high school my best friend Rob Mason was killed in a tragic car accident along with another young girl. There was another young guy in the car as well named Doug. From my understanding of what happened, when the car crashed Doug was thrown from the car and that is basically why he survived because the car then exploded into flames. I can remember the look on Doug's face at the funeral. I can remember the look on the face of my best friend's mom. I can remember how his little sister seemed to understand what happened, and his little brother didn't. I can remember being a pallbearer and helping to carry out his casket. I can remember when they lowered my friend's casket into the ground. I was 15.

I guess I don't know where this post is going, but to say this... I don't know how anyone makes it through this life without a faith and hope that comes from believing in the one and only God who loves us.

I don't believe having that faith makes it easier to be here, but it certainly increases the longing for the place where we know we should be.

We weren't built for dying. We were built by two strong hands. My hope is in those hands.

Stop Trying So Hard...

So it's been a really long time since I posted anything on here and I've missed writing. Writing has a feeling of therapy to it sometimes and I've needed. I don't have a lot to say really, but it seems like a lot of life has happened.

My wife and I welcomed our 4th child about 5 months ago and I started a new full time job at the same time. The combination of these 2 life changes has kept me extraordinarily busy, and a lot of things I like doing such as writing (blogs and songs), recording, playing shows and all things music related have suffered. However I don't mind so much because I love my family. My kids and my wife bring me more joy than writing music for you all. I'm sorry but that's just the truth.

I've also learned a hard lesson it feels over the last couple years. I keep waiting for this ... this something... some event, some thing that's going to happen and it's going to blow my mind and change my life... and that "it", whatever "it" is, just never happens. But I keep waiting for "it". For a long time it was this idea that I was going to be discovered as a musician and that I'd be picked up and whisked away from this life I have here and I'd be a famous musician touring America spreading my music and message. While it's not bad to want to spread the gospel through music... I wasn't thinking about that. I was just trying to not be a victim of my circumstances. My circumstances being that I am married father of 4 with a full time job that isn't exactly what I want to do all my life so I keep hoping for this "something" this "it". I really feel like my waiting for this thing to come along has caused damage to the family I have. It makes them feel like they are holding me back. My wife has said as much.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? I was telling myself that I wanted to be doing this for God, all the while I occasionally dragging my family through trials because I can't stop whining that I don't get to have my way. All the while, God has blessed me amazingly with beautiful kids, a beautiful wife, a job that pays the bills, and generally just way more than I could possibly deserve.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm saying here... While I am still writing music and trying to record it so that I can give it to you... It's not my goal to write songs that will please everyone, and I am not planning on kicking them out on a regular basis. I'm not going to force anything in regards to writing / recording / performing music. I want to write songs that will be pleasing to my Heavenly Father, and I want to be a father / husband that reflects what that Heavenly Father wants for me.

I really feel like God has been telling me to let go of a lot of things lately. One of them being music. He's not telling me to give it up... not at all, but I do feel like I need to let go of this fretting and calculating and trying as hard as I can to make something of myself. If God wants it, it will happen. In the meanwhile, live and be a witness for Him where I am.

He's also telling me to relax in regards to how I am pursuing Him. I've been in this ridiculous dry spell lately in my relationship with God. It's hard to read and be in the Word. It's hard to spend time in thought and prayer. I just can't seem to get my mind to go deep lately. I am too consumed with life, work, family, music... etc, etc, etc... It's been unbelievably frustrating, and I have no idea what to do with life right now. All days seem to be filled with frustration and tension and discomfort. I want to have a that really close relationship with God, and I think He knows my heart well enough to know that I'm being honest with Him. I want that relationship, but life seems to crazy right now to achieve it. Then I hear him saying (through various friends voices) ... "Relax. Slow down and live for me where you are. Stop trying so hard."...

So anyways, all this is to say, God is good to me. He is more than I deserve. Lord help me to relax and enjoy the blessings you have given me and the place you have me at in life right now. Use me today and tomorrow and whenever and wherever you need me and move in me in a new way today Lord. Help me to reflect you to my family and to those I come in contact with. Lord use the gifts you have given me and the abilities you have blessed me with to accomplish what you want. Take my motives and desires out of it, and change them so that my only desire is to please you. I love you Lord. Give me the desire to only want you in this life, and to give you to others.

I feel like this post was kind of random and all over, but that seems to be my life right now... Thank you Lord for it.

My Manifesto On The Pursuit Of Music

I feel like Jerry Maguire as he was writing that letter to all of his co-workers on how they should treat their clients. It was a manifesto of sorts. The clients were individuals that needed to be loved and taken care of on a personal level. The basic principle behind the letter to his own company was "less clients, more personal care". The next day after everyone got the letter he was applauded and fired all at the same time. Well I have no idea if this letter will be received the same way or if it will be nearly as powerful as his was, but I feel I needed to write it. If I had to pick a basic principle behind my note I'd say its "less about me, more about God". Seems like a simple statement, especially on a personal application level... but take that and apply it to all areas of the Christian music industry and you will get some pissed off people. I promise. I might get a few that applaud, but I think I may get a few more that want to fire me, and to that I say... oh well. So be it.

Let me pause here and say that I am in no way trying to judge anyone else's hearts. This is solely something that's been placed on my own heart in regards to how I am going to pursue music in the future, or I guess I should say on how I am NOT going to pursue music in the future.

So I've been going at it for about 4 years now. Pursuing music in the hopes that I would "make it" or get some place. I often use terms like "get my name out there", "get some exposure". I probably wouldn't have ever come out and said I was trying to "make it", but I know my heart and I know what my real desire is/was for my life. In my heart of hearts I have been shown and convicted that anything I've had to do with music over the last few years has been a pursuit of getting my name out there and made known. I might have said that I wanted to make God known and really try to affect people for Him and push them towards Him, but if I am being completely honest... my deepest darkest hope was that I would get a career out of this somehow. That somehow my name, Rick Hopkins, would be the name people would hear and be drawn to. That my message would be powerful and convicting, and that people would want to hear me, and that I'd be able to move into doing music as a full time "ministry" and career. No where in this pursuit has there been a real full fledged pursuit of getting God's name out there and making Him known.

Also, in this pursuit of mine, I've seen parts of the Christian music industry that I just don't want to see again. I don't want any part of it really. I know there are some good artists out there doing some great stuff who have honest and pure hearts. But I don't want to have to go down some of the paths I was told I'd have to go down. One such thing that has torn at me was trying to get my music on the radio. I am in no way putting down the guys I talked to about getting songs on the radio, so please don't hear that. I realize they have a job and a ton of music to weed through in their selection process. However, I felt like I was begging them to play my music. I walked away from my meeting with them just feeling dirty. I felt like a loser. I was also given names of people that could help me get into the industry somewhat, but I was also told I'd have to wine and dine and spend lots of money to get them to listen to me... well I'm sorry but that's just not going to happen. I will not be humiliating myself and spending a load of cash in a vain pursuit of my own desires. I'd rather leave things in God's hands from now on. When my song "Lift Up Your Eyes" got on the radio and had lots of air play I had absolutely nothing to do with that. It just happened. That's really how it should be in the first place. Any time I have tried to get myself somewhere, I have gone nowhere. So in the immortal words of Carrie Underwood... "Jesus Take The Wheel"...

Another side of this is my family. I have 3 kids, and due for a 4th in little less than a month. That's a lot of responsibility, and I don't just mean the work of keeping them under control at Wendy's when we go out to dinner. I am the spiritual leader of this family. For my wife and my kids, they are all looking to me to lead them well. My children need a godly example of strong male leadership from a loving father. My wife needs a godly husband who will love her and cherish her. How does all this mesh with my selfish pursuit of myself and my own gain? Not well. My heart is heavy lately with what it means to be a good father and husband. I want my kids to grow up with a dad who they use as a role model on what it means to follow God. I want my wife to be drawn to me because of my pursuit of God. My pursuit of self, and my desire to be this type of man to my family conflict.

So here is a list of things that I am committing too, which seems fitting with the beginning of a new year. In regards to how I approach music...

1. I will never charge for music again. If you want my music you can have it. I will have some way for everyone to download it for free if they want it. If you come to a show, like the one I played tonight at a church in Grand Rapids, and I have copies of my cd, you can take a copy of my cd for free. Again this is just my own conviction and in no way reflects anyone else's hearts... but I feel like if I have a message of a loving God that I want people to hear, then why would I charge them to hear it...? A side effect of this is that I may not ever make hard copies of cds again because I won't have money to get them produced. But whoever can download will be able to get all my music for free, and if you can't download, let me know, we'll work something out.
2. I will not charge to play shows... this with a condition... that you help me cover expenses of traveling and food and what not. If you feel compelled to pay me for the show, I will not turn down your money. I do have a family that I need to support and take care of. This could possibly make me a little more selective in shows, but most of my shows are local to west Michigan anyway and require very little travel.
3. I will not ever enter a battle of the bands, or any sort of songwriting contest ever again. This is a just a personal thing for me and what I know it to do within my own heart. When I win I get prideful and arrogant about how much better I am than the other bands. I wouldn't say that out loud, but I know it to be true in my heart. When I lose I get prideful and arrogant and resentful of the judges because they obviously must have made a mistake, or the contest was rigged or something. How could I have not won? Shouldn't I be the winner of all contest in relation to music mastery?
4. I am going to pursue God with all my heart and my life. I've said for many years that I am a believer in God, but only recently have I been burdened with how all encompassing that belief is. If you say you believe in God, specifically the God of the Bible, and that you ascribe to the way of life that God in the form of Jesus came here and prescribed for us to live, it is all consuming. Everything falls under it. From the very breathe in your lungs at this very second, to how you react to the most menial circumstance or inconvenience, or the biggest blessing of your life. All things fall under the umbrella of a belief in God. I have to admit that I am an utter failure at how I have approached God and my relationship with Him in the past. Giving Him very little of myself, and keeping it all for me. I have pursued myself long enough. I find myself to be empty, lonely, boring, and any other adjective you can think of pertaining to the pursuit of death.
5. I am going to continue to write and record music. But I will not bow to the pressure to write radio friendly music, nor will I seek to write any "hits", or any songs that fit the formula for a hit song. I am going to write what I want and feel needs to be said in regards to my own relationship with God, and my own experiences in life, or whatever words God puts in my mouth to sing. I will not be trying to get my music anywhere. I am going to put it out there for anyone to hear that wants to hear it, and if God decides to use it in some way... I almost hope I don't know about it because that would only make me arrogant again anyway. If God decided down the road to move me into a career in music, I am not opposed to this... but it's totally in His hands and He will have to make that happen. I will pursue Him. He can do with me as He pleases. (by the way, that's a terribly frightening phrase to put out there, but I suppose I can't give Him only part right?)

There is probably more to my manifesto here... but this blog post is getting really long so I am going to draw it to a close. I'd love to hear from any of you on this, and get any feedback you may have. Even in writing this I feel I walk a tight rope of getting a big pride filled head because I am some sort of super Christian. Believe me I am nothing of the sort. I simply want my life to reflect that which I say I believe. If it doesn't then I am wasting my time with my "beliefs" and I hold them only as a source of false comfort and personal gain.

Again, it should be said that I am making no judgments on anyone else or their heart in their pursuit of music. I am sure there are others out there who are pursuing God with pure hearts and are going after music in the right way. I however, am not one of those people.

Anyway, there it is for the most part... I have lots of stuff to say, but this is enough for now.