Side By Side

We recently got pictures snapped of our youngest boy Jack when he turned 2. Thought you may enjoy a side by side comparison.

I apologize for not keeping this blog up to date as much as I had originally intended. I want to thank all the people who have responded to me and said how much the blog entries mean to them. It means a lot to me that they are helping people.

Life is such a crazy thing, how it takes you on the ups and downs so quickly. Yesterday I was invited to play at a church in Eureka, Michigan. They basically had me play during what would be their normal Sunday morning services. I was able to do my normal show thing where I get up there and explain my songs and what I was thinking when I wrote them and how they came about, then play them for the crowd. The congregation was completely engaged in the experience with me. It was awesome! I think its amazing how God can take all these experiences I have had, filter them through me onto paper, slap a melody in my head and move people through the songs. It was one of the moments in life when it feels like everything was clicking and I was exactly where I needed to be. Then I woke up this morning to go back to my desk job. To sit silently, talk to basically no one, and program web applications all day. That transition is getting more and more difficult for me to make. From the huge spiritual high weekends, to the sit and stare weekdays. From every part of my body rejoicing in being able to do what I feel God made me to do, to every part of my body aching because I am sitting at a desk with a lousy chair, and my arms, wrists, and fingers hurt from repetitive typing and coding and error checking, and testing, and etc and etc... But that is a transition that a lot of people make, and I think its why God made weekends and Sabbaths. If I did not have that outlet and time away from the daily drudgery I am fairly certain I would go completely awol.

I have had lots of people tell me that my life is a mirror to theirs, that they share the same fears, anxieties, and struggles that I do, and that it helps them to hear someone else say it. Well I say it often, so I hope it helps... One quote from Oswald Chambers that has meant a lot to me...

"Are we refusing to enter the domain of drudgery? Drudgery is the touchstone of character. It is a 'drudging' thing to be virtuous.

The greatest hindrance of our spiritual life lies in looking for big things to do; Jesus Christ 'took a towel.....' We are not meant to be illuminated versions; we are meant to be the common stuff of ordinary human life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God. The snare in the Christian life is looking for the gilt-edge moments, the thrilling times; there are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, when God's angel is the routine of drudgery on the level of towels and washing feet. Are we prepared to 'get a move on' there? Routine is God's way of saving us between moments of inspiration. We are not to expect Him to give us His thrilling minutes always.

The secret of bringing forth fruit is to abide in Jesus. 'Abide in Me,' says Jesus, in spiritual matters, in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is. Beware of putting on your religious 'blinkers' - 'I can live finely in this type of meeting, or with that particular set.' The Christian life is not a bandbox life. We must live where we can be tested by the whole of life. Are we preventing God from doing things in our circumstances because we imagine it will hinder our communion with Him? .....Our Lord and Master never chose His own circumstances, He was meek towards His Father's dispensation for Him; He was at home with His Father wherever His body was placed.

We have to learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God, and to learn to abide in Him where we are placed."

New Website...

Hey there, I have a new website finally! I have been working on it for a while now and I am very excited to have it done. Being a web designer / programmer and all I figured I should have a site that I actually made.

You can now pre-order my new cd entitled Where We Are And Where We Long To Be. I just finished recording all my parts and it is in the mixing process now. I am very excited to get it done, and I am hoping to have it available within the month or so. $5 gets you a copy of the cd if you pre-order it. You can do that by rolling over the album image in the right pane and clicking the purchase link. If you feel like sending me some cash towards getting it duplicated I would really appreciate any help. Shoot me an email in the contact page to ask me where to send it to.

Also take note, this blog is going to be functioning as my news and my blog entries. I am importing them into my new site from here. So you'll be able to read them there and there will be links for making comments and all that.

So anyway, check it out every so often to see if its up yet. Should be soon.

My Part In Loss

I had a pretty intense experience a couple weeks back. On Saturday, August 30th, a young 27 year old guy by the name of Bryan McQueen was driving his motorcycle down 131 in Grand Rapids when he lost control and was killed. I did not know Bryan at all. He however knew me, or at least knew me for my music. The week after he died his family, through various channels, was attempting to connect with me anyway they could. They wanted me to come and play at Bryan's funeral. Bryan had apparently shared with his family how much he enjoyed my album Still Frame and liked my music. I received about 3 phone calls from his family, an email from a pastor involved with the funeral ceremony, and a couple other calls from people related to the family. The message to me was loud and clear that it would really mean a lot to this family if I could come and sing at the funeral. I felt an incredible sense of humility to know that this family would choose to involve me in the ceremony to remember their son, grandson, brother, friend, fiancee, war veteren. There was a sense welling up in me that this was one of those moments I had always hoped God would use me and my music for. To minister to people who were hurting incredibly. I agreed to play and walked into the church quietly and alone on Sept 6 to get ready to play the 3 songs they had asked me to play, Be Thou My Vision, Free Lands, and Lift Up Your Eyes. I got sat up and ran through my songs as practice and sound check. As I was practicing Lift Up Your Eyes I could see someone out of the corner of my eye watching and listening to me. Afterwards this person came up and spoke to me briefly. It was Bryan's mother. She thanked me through her tears for being willing to come and play, and I was speechless. I really had no idea what to say to this woman who just lost her son. A little while later she came back again, this time with Bryan's dad, and fiancee. To say the moment was extremely intense and emotional would be a pretty big understatement. They thanked me again and did their best to smile and greet me. Then they walked away to talk to more family and grieve. The church where the funeral was being held was completely packed. I am guessing a few hundred people attended. The sadness in the room was just completely overwhelming. I got up to play my songs about half way through the service, and I marvel at the fact now that I got through them without breaking down myself even though I didn't know Bryan. There was sadness and despair, intermingled with hope, faith, and love. It was intense to say the least.

I had to leave right after I finished my songs because I had another show I was supposed to be at right away. I never got a chance to talk to anyone else at the funeral afterwards. I walked out feeling like I had lost someone. Like he was my friend, my brother. It was the same feeling I had leaving every other funeral I have ever been to. A sense of being powerless, incapable, incomplete. I have heard people say, "everyone dies, its a natural part of life". I don't care what anyone says, death is not a natural part of life. Death is the antithesis of life. It's the complete and utter opposite. It is the void. We were not made to die. We were made to have life and have it to the full.

I was unbelievably honored, and humbled to be a part of the funeral. I can't think of a way that God could more directly use me and my music to minister to people. It put all my prior cares about music to rest. If I was only ever given the ability to sing and play guitar so that I could be a part of that service, or other services like it, then so be it. However, if that was my only business, then I can't wait for the day that my business dries up.

If you could, keep Bryan's family, fiancee, and friends in your prayers, as they mourn and groan over the loss of their loved one, just as creation mourns and groans in longing for restoration and new life.

What Hoping For The Wrong Things Has Taught Me

The past couple months have been interesting to say the least. God very visibly showed me something about myself. I can remember the night before the song got on the radio. I was at a restaurant with a friend of mine enjoying some beer and buffalo wings, talking about God and what He was doing in our lives and what we desired in our relationship with Him. That night on my way home my prayer was that God would be more real to me. That He would show Himself to me, and use me in other peoples lives through my music, through my work, my attitude, whatever means He deemed necessary. The very next day the song was played on the radio, and all those prayers got answered very clearly. God was using me to affect other peoples lives. He very clearly came out of the slumber He seemed to be in and used me in a great way. I however forgot my prayer from the night before.
Very quickly my desire changed from wanting to affect other peoples lives, to "how can I use this to get me out of my current position in life". How can I use it to deliver myself from the ho-hum of everyday life that seemed to be sapping me dry. I forgot about my desires to affect other peoples lives. In classic "Rick" fashion, I focused on myself.
God didn't stop using me in other peoples lives, I just was not paying attention to it. My hopes and prayers were being fulfilled before my eyes, but I had them shut. I feel a need to apologize to all those out there who think of me as some super spiritual holy man. I am nothing of the sorts. I am a broken individual, as broken as anyone else. Thank God for grace for without it I am without hope.
To all of you who sent me emails saying how much my music has meant to you, I can't thank you enough. I hope to keep writing music that helps you through whatever you are dealing with. I am open God to be used again. Help me not to make it about me, cause its never about me. I have gotten myself nowhere, and will continue to go nowhere as long as I try to get myself somewhere. You are my God, and I long for you Lord. I long to be near you. I long to be free from this nagging need for recognition and fulfillment from all the wrong things. Be real again to me, and help me to keep my eyes open to your moving.

How Going To Cornerstone University Changed My Life (this is not a plug)

Lately I have been reminded over and over again of a decision I made in 1997. I had just graduated from high school, I was newly engaged to my then girlfriend Nicole Barrett, and I was all set to go to Cornerstone University to further my education. There was only one small problem. I had no money. My parents weren't particularly well off, but they were helping as much as possible, and Cornerstone was really, really expensive. So I made a very difficult decision. I decided not to go to Cornerstone.
I had to tell this to Nicole, which very nearly ended our relationship because we had both been planning to go to Cornerstone for quite some time and she was very excited about the prospect of us being together more often and going to the same school. Oh yeah, did I mention that I decided to break this news to her the day before we left for college. My timing was impeccable.
On the day we were both supposed to leave for college I decided to go along with Nicole. Mainly to see her off, but also to tell the student development I had decided not to go because I didn't have enough money. The response I got kinda shocked me. When I told Josh Williams, the head student development guy, that I wasn't coming he said, "What if we could get you more money?" I responded by saying that it would really have to be a lot of money. In the ball park of $5000 dollars. He said to stay right where I was at... he'd be right back. He came back about 20 minutes later with the money I needed to make going to Cornerstone a possibility. I changed my decision.
I can only conclude that God orchestrated that whole scenario. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, about my life right now would be the way it is if God had not gotten me that extra money to go to college there. I would not be married to Nicole because there is no way we could have survived that whole issue and stayed together. Thus I wouldn't have the 3 beautiful children I have now.
I wouldn't have the job I have that supports my whole family and allows us to live and level of comfort that I don't deserve. Especially in a failing economy. Especially when I know lots of people struggling financially who don't deserve to be.
I wouldn't have met all the people that I now call my best friends, and who have impacted, influenced, and encouraged me to become who I am. I wouldn't have stayed involved with music because it was my friends who encouraged and brought that out of me.
I wouldn't have searched all around Grand Rapids for a vibrant church to attend that would offer the opportunities for growth and development that Ada Bible Church has given me. Ada has an amazing worship team that has been a huge impact on me musically, and with the growth that Ada experienced at the time the opportunity opened up for me to start leading worship. If I hadn't started singing and leading worship, I would never have had the guts to start writing and performing my own songs.
If I hadn't started writing and performing my own stuff, nothing that has happened in the last few months would have happened. That decision to go to Cornerstone after God provided a means of getting there set so many things in motion for me that to try and lay it all out here would take way too long and no one would want to stick around and read it all.
One decision, that at the time just seemed like a cool blessing because I got to go to the college I wanted to go to, turned into a decision that completely changed who I am.
It's hard for me to see God moving in my future because it hasn't happened yet. I have no idea what He is going to do. All I know is that I can trust Him for my future because I can look at my past and see the amazing things He did for me. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Certainly doesn't take away the anxiousness to know whats next though.
I can only assume that if I hadn't gone to Cornerstone, I would still be living in my parents basement, drinking a lot of beer, listening to a lot of Metallica, and probably still working the grill at Wendy's. Actually I still do those last three... hmm, well I don't live in my parents basement anyway so thats good. And really, after the St. Anger album, who listens to Metallica? If you held on to Metallica long enough to hear that album, you let go immediately upon hearing it. And don't get all hung up on the drinking beer part... the one thing I couldn't hear enough of at Cornerstone was discernment. I know when to stop. Finally, I don't specifically work the grill at Wendy's anymore, but I do work a mean grill at home with all the training I got from Wendy's. Thank you Wendy. Thank you.

Struggling

For a while now, I have struggled with some depression. It's that kind where you can't really put a finger on what's wrong, you just know that something isn't right. For whatever reason, the things that should bring you joy don't and its a struggle to get through a day without feeling like you had wasted it completely on meaningless tasks. Whenever I get into this state of mind, I find myself staying up very late basically to avoid going to sleep and just having to do the same day over again. Does anyone else fall in this hole? The walls of the hole seem so steep that you feel like you will never be able to climb out. Over the last year I have started to be able to identify when this depression is settling in on me. The common denominator seems to be my current job. I say that knowing that some people from work may be reading this. I haven't shied away from honesty in the past and I won't start now.
My main duty at work is to be a web application developer. It's really a great job, with a great company, a great boss, and fair pay. I can't complain about any of that. What makes my heart ache is the day in, day out, same old routine of going to my desk and programming for a day, then back home, get a couple hours with the kids and wife, dink around on the computer for a while, back to bed and up in the morning to start the whole thing over again. I have this overwhelming desire to be having some sort of impact on peoples lives, but in sitting at my desk 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, I feel like I have very little impact on those around me for God. Let alone the fact that my attitude is terrible at work most days so even when I get a chance to impact someone I blow it with my stressed out, impatient attitude. I kind of fell into this job and now I have been here for 6 years, in those 6 years the wife and I have had 3 kids, we have a healthy mortgage, college payments and other debt, and no time. So I really can't go back to school for anything, and if I could go back to school, what would I go back for? No school has what I am looking for.
So the feeling I get is that I am trapped. I have worked myself into a situation that I can no longer see a way out of. I think of my dad, who when he was very young (18) started a family and had to get a good job quick, and managed to get into General Motors building cars. It wasn't necessarily a dream job, but it paid the bills. He ended up working there for 32 years or something like that. He didn't enjoy it, but he worked himself into that situation where he had no other options. He had to do it to provide for his family. That is where I am. I have to work to provide for my family.
Then comes this taste of what could possibly be a way out. This minor bit of local celebrity. This fleeting moment of acknowledgment. God how I want that to be my path. God how I want to be out there doing music, talking and interacting with people on an intimate basis. I pray everyday that it is where He is leading me, knowing full well that it may very well never happen, other than the local shows I do (which by the way thanks to everyone who comes to those, they are seriously what keep me going sometimes). He has it all in His hands and I have to wait. My friend Mike wrote a post in his blog recently that relates to this somewhat. His loneliness is to his longing for relationships that are real, as my depression is to my desire for a life that is real. I want a life that matters.
I realize very quickly what you are thinking to yourself... "all lives and occupations matter in the kingdom." I know. I understand that God has me in the position I am in for a reason. He is teaching me something. I am where I am for a reason, and until that reason is accomplished He isn't going to move me. But anyone who has been in my position knows what I am saying. It is hard to see how anything I am doing on a daily basis could possibly matter for the Kingdom of God. But I know it does. Somehow in ways I may never know or understand, what I am doing in my life matters to God, and He is teaching me and molding me through it.
Occasionally I will hear stories from some friends who really have similar stories to what I have just shared. The difference is that they have God in their sights and even when things seem desperate, they don't let it get to them, at least they don't show it. God I want that kind of attitude. Lord help me to see you in all the details and not to struggle anymore with my petty problems. I feel homesick.

Here is a quick quote... again from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 10:
"You can never give to another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have."

A Much Needed Break...

It's been a while since I posted anything so I thought I should get on that. Last week the family and I took a much needed vacation. We were offered the use of a cabin on Lake Bellaire which is right next to Torch Lake up towards Traverse City in the northern region of Michigan's lower peninsula. It was a really good time. We hadn't gotten to take a real vacation in the last 5 years since Derek our oldest was born. We purposely didn't plan anything to do up there. Each day consisted of sitting around on the beach, watching the kids play in the water, going out for ice cream, having a nice dinner together, and the best part was naps. It was quiet and uneventful, which is exactly what we have needed. With so much going on lately it seemed like the wife and I were on the brink of losing our minds.
One thing I had planned on doing while on vacation was using some of that extra time I had to get caught up on some devotional stuff, reading more of the Bible, spending lots of time in prayer, working on new songs, and generally just reconnecting with God. That did not happen. I didn't read anything, except for The Chronicles Of Narnia (The Magician's Nephew, my current favorite in the series). I didn't even crack open my Bible, or devotional book, and set large amounts of time aside to pray. I really didn't play my guitar that much or work on any new tunes. In some aspects I was disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen, but in other ways I wasn't so concerned. I don't know that God meant for the vacation to be a time where I completely focused on myself. It was a great time to connect with the wife and kids that I don't get to hang out with nearly as much as I would like to. I got to have fun with the kids building sand castles and watching them play all over. I got to hang out with my wife in an environment that didn't have a schedule, or deadlines, or alarm clocks. It was a much needed vacation from the responsibilities of home and work. All we had to do was make sure the kids were fed and put to bed.
The one thing I did that I regret was that I couldn't resist the temptation to sneak away from the cabin while everyone was sleeping, get to a local coffee house with my laptop, and aimlessly surf around the internet for a while. I have had this addiction to the internet, or my computer I should say, for quite a while. I depend on it a little too much. I have to have it with me at all times. One day later in the week I was suddenly hit with the conviction and realization that I had made special time to spend with myself on the internet, but I hadn't set aside any time I had originally wanted to use to reconnect with God. One of the many weaknesses I have that came out on vacation... selfishness. I want my time for me. I want to do, what I want to do. Not what you want to do.
So even though I decided not to set time aside with God on my vacation, He was with me teaching me something about myself that needs some work. Another area where the Spirit doesn't quite have the free reign He desires to have.

On another note, thanks to everyone who came out to the Baker Book House show. It was a really great time and I appreciate you all being there to support me and listen to what I had to say. The crowd was extremely attentive and responsive which made the show extremely intimate and an amazing personal experience for me. Also thanks to the few of you who got up early last Sunday to come see me at Festival Of The Arts in Grand Rapids. There wasn't a lot of you there, but it was a lot of fun getting to sing for you on that enormous sound system in the middle of downtown with my voice and guitar echoing all over the place.

Another quick note, I am working on a new cd, sort of. When asked about my current cd and why I wrote it, it really came down to just wanting to have something physical that proved I had written songs. I wasn't expecting it to get out there as much as it has. So in response to the fact that people are enjoying the songs, I have gotten a band together, and we are re-recording many of the songs with full band arrangements. We also are adding a few new songs. I am very excited for it because I think its going to turn out very well. We are trying to get it done as quickly as possible and I would anticipate it being done and ready by the end of July, but I can't give an exact date just yet. Keep checking back for updates.

That's it for me now. It's late and I need some sleep.