Seeking Life Amid My Own Brokenness

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe

2011-11-20T21:31:00.001-05:00

I've been reading the The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe to my kids. C.S. Lewis was an absolute genius when it comes to taking complex theological ideas and boiling them down to something a child could understand, and at the same time would sound refreshing and encouraging to someone who has believed for a while. A couple of conversations in the book stand out to me...

Chapter: A Day With The Beavers

Mr. Beaver makes a statement introducing for the first time to our ears the name of him who will become the main character of the series (that is... if you start with this book instead of the Magicians Nephew... I actually prefer to start with the Magicians Nephew, but I found that The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe captured my kids attention more quickly.... anywho... ) "They say Aslan is on the move - perhaps has already landed"

Then we get the kids reactions... "At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside. Edmund felt a sensation of mysterious horror. Peter felt suddenly brave and adventurous. Susan felt as if some delicious smell or some delightful strain of music had just floated by her. And Lucy got the feeling you have when you wake up in the morning and realize that it is the beginning of the holidays or the beginning of summer.

Chapter: What Happened After Dinner

"Oh, yes! Tell us about Aslan!" said several voices at once...

"Who is Aslan?" asked Susan.

"Aslan?" said Mr. Beaver. "Why don't you know? He's the King. He's the Lord of the whole wood, but not often here, you understand. (further down in the conversation...)

"Is... Is he a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion." (a little further down...)

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.

"I'm longing to see him, " said Peter, "even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point."

Chapter: Deep Magic From The Dawn Of Time

Aslan is basically standing between the White Witch and Edmund, and she is staking her claim on him due to his treachery. "Yo know that every traitor belongs to me as my lawful prey and that for every treachery I have the right to kill.", states the witch... "And so, that human creature is mine. His life is forfeit to me. His blood is my property."

The great accuser this white witch is calling Aslan out on the "Deep Magic" from before time that says she is owed Edmund's life and her right is to kill him. The part that I love is where the camera shoots over to Edmund to get his whole reaction to this...

"Edmund was on the other side of Aslan, looking all the time at Aslan's face. He felt a choking feeling and wondered if he ought to say something; but a moment later he felt that he was not expected to do anything except to wait, and do what he was told." In the face of the great accuser, Edmund is at peace and waits upon his savior Aslan to answer the accusations of the White Witch. Aslan stands between, and shortly thereafter works out the deal with the witch where he will forfeit his own life, for that of Edmund.

There are really more parts than I could list here. So many amazing parallels to the story of Christ and his sacrifice for us and ultimate victory. This story begs to be read once a year. It's not just a kids story. It's for everyone. In my opinion it enhances the gospel story and enriches it much like a great poem, or song lyric can occasionally do for me. The line that Peter gave in the chapter entitled "What Happened After Dinner", the one I wrote out above, leveled me emotionally, even while reading it to my kids... "I'm longing to see him, " said Peter, "even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point." What an amazing statement that completely captures the wonder, fear, and longing of all humanity and their ultimate purpose, delight, and fulfillment in Christ...

Tension

2011-11-07T23:01:00.002-05:00

I struggle with writing. I use to love to write. Lately I feel like I want to write badly, but when it actually comes to sitting down and doing it, I'm defeated before I start.

There is so much going on in my head lately that I feel weathered and worn from trying to battle it constantly. I can't keep the noise out. The still small voice that is in the mix somewhere is being over powered. I've tried to cut out all that doesn't need to be there. When I did that I just found myself to be restless. I can't stop thinking that I should be doing something. I don't know what that something is. It's driving me nuts. I don't mean that in the figurative "oh I'm going to go nuts" type way... I mean it's actually driving me nuts. Cuckoo... Bonkers...

I need to hear that still small voice more than anything else, but right now it seems that He caught laryngitis from trying to scream over all the noise. Now that I've gotten it quiet... He's tired of trying. And so, comes screaming back, my inside voice... "Do this... Do that... you should be reading more... exercising more... eating better... writing more... serving more... doing more, doing more, doing more, doing... busy busy busy"

There's all the external voices as well telling me how I should live. The voices that say sell everything, give it to the poor, and go serve somewhere. The voices that say write your music and devote yourself to it. Make a living doing what you love. Start charging money, start touring, start (fill in the space)... Do something... The voices that say "relax.. just be patient"... Then the voices that make me feel guilty for trying to be patient, as though I'm not moving fast enough... I'm not doing enough... I'm not good enough...

All the while, my wife needs me home. My kids need their dad. My family needs a leader. My employer needs a devoted employee. My friends need a friend. Others need a comforter, or a counselor, or somebody to pray with them or for them. I'm responsible to so many people in so many ways... I feel like I walk a tight rope of failure and the audience is expecting me to fall at any moment...

I find tension, stress, and frustration to be the trademarks of my early 30's thus far. I'm in this weird in-between stage of life where my main responsibility is to be a good father to the 4 kids I've helped bring into this world, and a good husband to the wife who's joined me on the trip. Everything in my life is fantastic... and at the same time, I've never felt more frustrated.

I was able to rid myself of the TV, which is pretty cool, until I realize I've got multiple hours to sit and think. When I think, I realize how broken I am. My mind churns over it. Then my mind churns over how broken it is.

I talk to myself. A lot. Over the past year or two I've lost a lot of time with my closest friends and now I find that to compensate I talk to myself. Like I said... bonkers...

I feel lonely... While surrounded by people constantly.

I am asking God lately to give me some clarity. Some direction. Some peace, joy, sanity... whatever... Just give me a sign... Something beautiful to inspire me... Something to sway my heart and move me... Just a little of His presence and Spirit to fill the space I've tried to create.

Occasionally, He is happy to oblige and I get to experience that fleeting moment of whatever it was that I needed the very most at that very moment. He gives me just enough so that I don't snap and end up in a mental institute... Thank you Lord for keeping me sane...

I look around at the world, and I realize how amazing my life is. I'm not starving. I'm not homeless. I have a job, cars, clothes, food on the table. I make more money in a year than most of the world dreams of seeing in a lifetime... My kids are healthy, my wife is beautiful, my life is great. Yet, there is this insatiable desire for more. I don't want more stuff. I don't want to sit and let my brain rot on facebook, twitter, or television... I don't want more accomplishments...

I want more of Him. I want more of God. I'm asking Him to make me who He wants me to be. Use me in whatever way He needs to use me. He's telling me to be patient... and I want to scream... The tension... The tension is about to break me. Maybe it's what He wants. Maybe He wants to break me so that I'm of some use that I can't possibly see right now.

Maybe I'm just talking to myself again. Maybe He's doing something.

God I hope so. I need to see something beautiful Lord.

Be Still... Remember Books...?

2011-04-05T23:49:00.005-04:00

Sorry... It's been a while I know. I find however lately that I prefer to stay quiet. There are enough voices out there in the blogosphere. I don't care to add to the clanging of symbols. I'd rather be still.

Do we all need to be reviewers, commentators, and critics? Do we all know everything there is to know, and is everyone else wrong? Is our way always best? Are our hearts more pure than theirs?Are our religious doctrines or political opinions just plain right, and they are just plain wrong? Do you really need to know the minutia of my every day, and do I need to know yours?

My absolute favorite thing to do as of late is to sit in my brand new desk chair with my desk lamp on and no other light... drink some hot tea... and just read. I read books. Books are those things with all the words in them that we use to have before people gave up on them to read the opinions and general blather that makes up most of these blog sites nowadays... including this very blog you are reading at this very moment :)

Do yourself a favor... Get away from your computer. Leave Facebook / Twitter / Youtube / whatever other social site you're addicted to. Put your "smart" phone away somewhere that you won't hear it ring or feel it vibrate. If you're work and life allows go back to the "dumb" phones we use to have that kept us less dependent and caught up in all the all that's always going on that we can't miss at all not even one second.

Pick up a book. I'd suggest the Bible, but if you want to start simple than pick up the Chronicles Of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, The Space Trilogy also by C.S. Lewis, or even your favorite book from when you were a kid. My favorite book when I was a young lad of 10 or 12 was Stuart Little. I loved that book, along with Where The Red Fern Grows... Just learn to enjoy reading again. It's good for you.

Also, get involved in other peoples lives and start praying for and caring for them. I think that will be time better spent than sitting on Facebook.

P.S. I will probably be back on Facebook in a month or so at which point I will deny that I ever wrote this blog post and it will probably disappear shortly thereafter. However, until then... I've really enjoyed my quiet time. Unplugging for a while has helped me to spend more time with God that has been more rich than normal. I dare you all to give it a try.

The Stars

2010-10-09T23:56:00.004-04:00

Last night, after a difficult evening, I decided to go out for a walk. Earlier in the evening my wife and I visited a friend who is in a hospice facility in Grand Rapids dying from cancer. I sang some praise songs for her, we talked for a while, and we prayed with her before we left. We hugged her and walked out of the facility and left to go home. She said a few things while we were there that became amazingly difficult for me to process. She has two little girls, and they didn't like to come visit her because it scared them. That was hard to imagine and process for me. However, the one thing she said that I can't get out of my mind is that she's scared to die, and she has been praying that God would take her in her sleep. I couldn't get out of my head last night that when she closes her eyes, she doesn't know if she's going to open them again. While that is true for all of us if we really consider it, the reality of it is completely concrete for her. It's not just this theoretical concept. When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I will more than likely open them again and get to go on enjoying my healthy wife and kids, my nice home, my cushy job, my friends, and on and on... I lost it a few times last night. Reality was a little too much for me. I decided to go for a walk.

As I was out walking, I was listening to one song over and over called "The Reckoning" by Andrew Peterson which is all about the longing for God to come back and make things right. I was sobbing like a baby. I mean full blown chest heaving, body shaking bawl fest... I can honestly say I haven't felt that broken since I lost my best friend in high school. While I am good friends with this woman, it wasn't losing her that was getting me. It was that her family was losing her, and that she was losing her family.

As I walked up the hill next to the local high school my eyes were drawn upward and I noticed that it was an incredibly clear night and all the stars were out. It was an absolutely amazing sight. All around me there was no lights on so it really brought the stars out. Saranac doesn't have much of a glow like a bigger city does so it made for some great star gazing. As I continued to walk and gaze up a thought started to stir in my head...

How often do you look up at the stars and not fully take them in? What I mean is that usually my star gazing experience consists of a quick glance up to see the neat little lights in the sky. I never take the time to look at them and think about just how unfathomable they really are. These little blinky lights are actually gigantic balls of fire and fury that are millions of miles away! It's easy to say that and not really let it register so let me say it again. These little twinkly lights are actually gigantic balls of fire and fury that if you were to even get within a 1,000,000 miles of you'd be incinerated. They are on a scale of size that you can't fathom, and they are a distance away from us that is so astronomical that if we traveled at the speed of light we'd never reach most of them in our lifetime. Does that strike anyone as completely unfathomable and unbelievable? I mean we know it's true because all the scientist who have done the leg work tell it is true, and because we can simply look up and see them. So we know they exist, but how seriously do we take them?

They are beautiful and terrifying. They are infinitely distant, but we are comforted by their light which doesn't seem so far. They are so unapproachable that if we get within 1,000,000 miles we'd be completely incinerated, yet we are drawn to them.

My gazing up at the stars turned into worship of the God of the universe. Everything in us, if we are honest, knows there is more to this existence then what we see. He's there. We can all see Him. Creation is screaming out His existence. We can give him a quick glance and walk away never taking him seriously. Or we can gaze full on into His amazing face and stand in awe at how incredible He is. He is holy and exists in unapproachable light... yet we long so desperately to be drawn into Him. He is beautiful, but He is fire and fury and will not take second place in our hearts to anything else.

Decide for yourself, but I feel that gazing at the stars and the cosmos may be just about the most convincing proof for the existence of God that there is. I was comforted by that last night as I was thinking about my friend who is losing her life. My prayer for my friend is that, that God who is bigger than the stars and closer than we can bear sometimes would bring her peace as she closes her eyes at night with the uncertainty of whether she will open them again here on this broken planet, or within His presence.

Worship

2010-07-20T00:32:00.000-04:00

2 Samuel 6:5 - "David and the whole house of Israel were celebrating WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT before the Lord..."
2 Samuel 6:14 - "David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord WITH ALL HIS MIGHT..."
2 Samuel 6:16 - "And when she (Michal, David's wife) saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart..."
2 Samuel 6:21,22 - "I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this..."

Do you celebrate with all your might before the Lord, or do you look on at those who do and despise them?.... Just a quick note from a worship leader... It'd make my job way more fun if we all worshipped WITH ALL OUR MIGHT before the Lord!

Hope

2010-07-16T23:22:00.005-04:00

Sometimes the brokenness of the world just seems to be too much. Maybe I'm just getting older and my mortality is becoming more real. Maybe the feeling of invincibility from youth is starting to wear off. Maybe I am just starting to realize how broken this place we call home really is.

Seems like the number of heartbreaking stories I hear is on the rise. The number of success stories is in steep decline. At least once a month I hear another story about someone being diagnosed with cancer. Every couple months I hear a story about a pregnancy or delivery that goes terribly wrong and the child is born with severe health problems, or is not born at all. Every once in a while you get the sudden death of a loved one, or one of your friend's loved ones, or one of your friends, or your friend's friend...etc, etc. You turn on the tv for more than 1 minute and you'll see a tragic story about death, or genocide, or natural disasters that kill in the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, or even the hundreds of thousands... the numbers and the stories become too much for me. They become unreal in a way.

When was the last time you lost someone? Are you losing someone? Are you losing yourself?

My grandma Rose died a few years back. While I wasn't close with my grandmother, seeing the reaction of all my aunts and uncles and my mom, all her children... it was terrible. I sang at the funeral. My mom asked if I'd sing "The Old Rugged Cross". I barely made it through the song. Not because I was in mourning as much as I felt like I had a front row seat to watch a room full of people mourn. I don't know if that song helped them or not, but I certainly hope it got them through that.

When I was in high school my best friend Rob Mason was killed in a tragic car accident along with another young girl. There was another young guy in the car as well named Doug. From my understanding of what happened, when the car crashed Doug was thrown from the car and that is basically why he survived because the car then exploded into flames. I can remember the look on Doug's face at the funeral. I can remember the look on the face of my best friend's mom. I can remember how his little sister seemed to understand what happened, and his little brother didn't. I can remember being a pallbearer and helping to carry out his casket. I can remember when they lowered my friend's casket into the ground. I was 15.

I guess I don't know where this post is going, but to say this... I don't know how anyone makes it through this life without a faith and hope that comes from believing in the one and only God who loves us.

I don't believe having that faith makes it easier to be here, but it certainly increases the longing for the place where we know we should be.

We weren't built for dying. We were built by two strong hands. My hope is in those hands.

Stop Trying So Hard...

2010-07-12T23:29:00.005-04:00

So it's been a really long time since I posted anything on here and I've missed writing. Writing has a feeling of therapy to it sometimes and I've needed. I don't have a lot to say really, but it seems like a lot of life has happened.

My wife and I welcomed our 4th child about 5 months ago and I started a new full time job at the same time. The combination of these 2 life changes has kept me extraordinarily busy, and a lot of things I like doing such as writing (blogs and songs), recording, playing shows and all things music related have suffered. However I don't mind so much because I love my family. My kids and my wife bring me more joy than writing music for you all. I'm sorry but that's just the truth.

I've also learned a hard lesson it feels over the last couple years. I keep waiting for this ... this something... some event, some thing that's going to happen and it's going to blow my mind and change my life... and that "it", whatever "it" is, just never happens. But I keep waiting for "it". For a long time it was this idea that I was going to be discovered as a musician and that I'd be picked up and whisked away from this life I have here and I'd be a famous musician touring America spreading my music and message. While it's not bad to want to spread the gospel through music... I wasn't thinking about that. I was just trying to not be a victim of my circumstances. My circumstances being that I am married father of 4 with a full time job that isn't exactly what I want to do all my life so I keep hoping for this "something" this "it". I really feel like my waiting for this thing to come along has caused damage to the family I have. It makes them feel like they are holding me back. My wife has said as much.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? I was telling myself that I wanted to be doing this for God, all the while I occasionally dragging my family through trials because I can't stop whining that I don't get to have my way. All the while, God has blessed me amazingly with beautiful kids, a beautiful wife, a job that pays the bills, and generally just way more than I could possibly deserve.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm saying here... While I am still writing music and trying to record it so that I can give it to you... It's not my goal to write songs that will please everyone, and I am not planning on kicking them out on a regular basis. I'm not going to force anything in regards to writing / recording / performing music. I want to write songs that will be pleasing to my Heavenly Father, and I want to be a father / husband that reflects what that Heavenly Father wants for me.

I really feel like God has been telling me to let go of a lot of things lately. One of them being music. He's not telling me to give it up... not at all, but I do feel like I need to let go of this fretting and calculating and trying as hard as I can to make something of myself. If God wants it, it will happen. In the meanwhile, live and be a witness for Him where I am.

He's also telling me to relax in regards to how I am pursuing Him. I've been in this ridiculous dry spell lately in my relationship with God. It's hard to read and be in the Word. It's hard to spend time in thought and prayer. I just can't seem to get my mind to go deep lately. I am too consumed with life, work, family, music... etc, etc, etc... It's been unbelievably frustrating, and I have no idea what to do with life right now. All days seem to be filled with frustration and tension and discomfort. I want to have a that really close relationship with God, and I think He knows my heart well enough to know that I'm being honest with Him. I want that relationship, but life seems to crazy right now to achieve it. Then I hear him saying (through various friends voices) ... "Relax. Slow down and live for me where you are. Stop trying so hard."...

So anyways, all this is to say, God is good to me. He is more than I deserve. Lord help me to relax and enjoy the blessings you have given me and the place you have me at in life right now. Use me today and tomorrow and whenever and wherever you need me and move in me in a new way today Lord. Help me to reflect you to my family and to those I come in contact with. Lord use the gifts you have given me and the abilities you have blessed me with to accomplish what you want. Take my motives and desires out of it, and change them so that my only desire is to please you. I love you Lord. Give me the desire to only want you in this life, and to give you to others.

I feel like this post was kind of random and all over, but that seems to be my life right now... Thank you Lord for it.

My Manifesto On The Pursuit Of Music

2010-01-02T22:43:00.005-05:00

I feel like Jerry Maguire as he was writing that letter to all of his co-workers on how they should treat their clients. It was a manifesto of sorts on how they should treat their clients. The clients were individuals and that they needed to be loved and taken care of on a personal level. The basic principle behind the letter to his own company was "less clients, more personal care". The next day after everyone got the letter he was applauded and fired all at the same time. Well I have no idea if this letter will be received the same way or if it will be nearly as powerful as his was, but I feel I needed to write it. If I had to pick a basic principle behind my note I'd say its "less about me, more about God". Seems like a simple statement, especially on a personal application level... but take that and apply it to all areas of the Christian music industry and you will get some pissed off people. I promise. I might get a few that applaud, but I think I may get a few more that want to fire me, and to that I say... oh well. So be it.

Let me pause here and say that I am in no way trying to judge anyone else's hearts. This is solely something that's been placed on my own heart in regards to how I am going to pursue music in the future, or I guess I should say on how I am NOT going to pursue music in the future.

So I've been going at it for about 4 years now. Pursuing music in the hopes that I would "make it" or get some place. I often use terms like "get my name out there", "get some exposure". I probably wouldn't have ever come out and said I was trying to "make it", but I know my heart and I know what my real desire is/was for my life. In my heart of hearts I have been shown and convicted that anything I've had to do with music over the last few years has been a pursuit of getting my name out there and made known. I might have said that I wanted to make God known and really try to affect people for Him and push them towards Him, but if I am being completely honest... my deepest darkest hope was that I would get a career out of this somehow. That somehow my name, Rick Hopkins, would be the name people would hear and be drawn to. That my message would be powerful and convicting, and that people would want to hear me, and that I'd be able to move into doing music as a full time "ministry" and career. No where in this pursuit has there been a real full fledged pursuit of getting God's name out there and making Him known.

Also, in this pursuit of mine, I've seen parts of the Christian music industry that I just don't want to see again. I don't want any part of it really. I know there are some good artists out there doing some great stuff who have honest and pure hearts. But I don't want to have to go down some of the paths I was told I'd have to go down. One such thing that has torn at me was trying to get my music on the radio. I am in no way putting down the guys I talked to about getting songs on the radio, so please don't hear that. I realize they have a job and a ton of music to weed through in their selection process. However, I felt like I was begging them to play my music. I walked away from my meeting with them just feeling dirty. I felt like a loser. I was also given names of people that could help me get into the industry somewhat, but I was also told I'd have to wine and dine and spend lots of money to get them to listen to me... well I'm sorry but that's just not going to happen. I will not be humiliating myself and spending a load of cash in a vain pursuit of my own desires. I'd rather leave things in God's hands from now on. When my song "Lift Up Your Eyes" got on the radio and had lots of air play I had absolutely nothing to do with that. It just happened. That's really how it should be in the first place. Any time I have tried to get myself somewhere, I have gone nowhere. So in the immortal words of Carrie Underwood... "Jesus Take The Wheel"...

Another side of this is my family. I have 3 kids, and due for a 4th in little less than a month. That's a lot of responsibility, and I don't just mean the work of keeping them under control at Wendy's when we go out to dinner. I am the spiritual leader of this family. For my wife and my kids, they are all looking to me to lead them well. My children need a godly example of strong male leadership from a loving father. My wife needs a godly husband who will love her and cherish her. How does all this mesh with my selfish pursuit of myself and my own gain? Not well. My heart is heavy lately with what it means to be a good father and husband. I want my kids to grow up with a dad who they use as a role model on what it means to follow God. I want my wife to be drawn to me because of my pursuit of God. My pursuit of self, and my desire to be this type of man to my family conflict.

So here is a list of things that I am committing too, which seems fitting with the beginning of a new year. In regards to how I approach music...

I will never charge for music again. If you want my music you can have it. I will have some way for everyone to download it for free if they want it. If you come to a show, like the one I played tonight at a church in Grand Rapids, and I have copies of my cd, you can take a copy of my cd for free. Again this is just my own conviction and in no way reflects anyone else's hearts... but I feel like if I have a message of a loving God that I want people to hear, then why would I charge them to hear it...? A side effect of this is that I may not ever make hard copies of cds again because I won't have money to get them produced. But whoever can download will be able to get all my music for free, and if you can't download, let me know, we'll work something out.
I will not charge to play shows... this with a condition... that you help me cover expenses of traveling and food and what not. If you feel compelled to pay me for the show, I will not turn down your money. I do have a family that I need to support and take care of. This could possibly make me a little more selective in shows, but most of my shows are local to west Michigan anyway and require very little travel.
I will not ever enter a battle of the bands, or any sort of songwriting contest ever again. This is a just a personal thing for me and what I know it to do within my own heart. When I win I get prideful and arrogant about how much better I am than the other bands. I wouldn't say that out loud, but I know it to be true in my heart. When I lose I get prideful and arrogant and resentful of the judges because they obviously must have made a mistake, or the contest was rigged or something. How could I have not won? Shouldn't I be the winner of all contest in relation to music mastery?
I am going to pursue God with all my heart and my life. I've said for many years that I am a believer in God, but only recently have I been burdened with how all encompassing that belief is. If you say you believe in God, specifically the God of the Bible, and that you ascribe to the way of life that God in the form of Jesus came here and prescribed for us to live, it is all consuming. Everything falls under it. From the very breathe in your lungs at this very second, to how you react to the most menial circumstance or inconvenience, or the biggest blessing of your life. All things fall under the umbrella of a belief in God. I have to admit that I am an utter failure at how I have approached God and my relationship with Him in the past. Giving Him very little of myself, and keeping it all for me. I have pursued myself long enough. I find myself to be empty, lonely, boring, and any other adjective you can think of pertaining to the pursuit of death.
I am going to continue to write and record music. But I will not bow to the pressure to write radio friendly music, nor will I seek to write any "hits", or any songs that fit the formula for a hit song. I am going to write what I want and feel needs to be said in regards to my own relationship with God, and my own experiences in life, or whatever words God puts in my mouth to sing. I will not be trying to get my music anywhere. I am going to put it out there for anyone to hear that wants to hear it, and if God decides to use it in some way... I almost hope I don't know about it because that would only make me arrogant again anyway. If God decided down the road to move me into a career in music, I am not opposed to this... but it's totally in His hands and He will have to make that happen. I will pursue Him. He can do with me as He pleases. (by the way, that's a terribly frightening phrase to put out there, but I suppose I can't give Him only part right?)

There is probably more to my manifesto here... but this blog post is getting really long so I am going to draw it to a close. I'd love to hear from any of you on this, and get any feedback you may have. Even in writing this I feel I walk a tight rope of getting a big pride filled head because I am some sort of super Christian. Believe me I am nothing of the sort. I simply want my life to reflect that which I say I believe. If it doesn't then I am wasting my time with my "beliefs" and I hold them only as a source of false comfort and personal gain.

Again, it should be said that I am making no judgments on anyone else or their heart in their pursuit of music. I am sure there are others out there who are pursuing God with pure hearts and are going after music in the right way. I however, am not one of those people.

Anyway, there it is for the most part... I have lots of stuff to say, but this is enough for now.

Pipe Dream

2009-11-29T20:19:00.001-05:00

I sat down the whole day yesterday reading scripture, reading A.W. Tozer, and Francis Chan, and watching the video podcast from the church where Francis Chan preaches. One idea or concept keeps coming back to haunt me and convict me. It's the idea that if we call ourselves Christians and have the power of God in us, our lives ought to show evidence of that power. I mean just listen to that phrase... when we believe, we are filled with SPIRIT OF GOD! When we say we are Christians, we are saying to the world that we have the SPIRIT OF GOD inside us. If that's true shouldn't that Spirit be very apparent to all those we come in contact with. I am convicted by this deeply lately because I think its very possible that the secular world I come in contact with wouldn't know me to be any different than anyone else. Is the Holy Spirit so evident in my life that people could look at me, people who didn't really know me that well, and would they know that I am who I say I am?
Francis Chan had a really good analogy on a video podcast sermon I watched yesterday. Let's say we played basketball in a church basketball league and all the while we were playing you knew me to be a very average to less than average player. Then in the off season one day I come up to you and explain that I feel that the Spirit of God has really filled me and has supernaturally enabled me to be amazing at basketball, and that next season I am going to be completely amazing at basketball because the Spirit has enabled me to be so. Then when the season comes around, you discovery that I am the same old out of shape and slow Rick, and I am no better at basketball than I was the previous year. How would that look? What would you think of me? You'd think that either I am liar... or a fool... and it would appear that I had just made a mockery of the Holy Spirit. Is it not the same in life. If we profess to be how we say we are, should it not show? Anyway, deeply convicted of this lately I wrote a new song yesterday. It's got some harshness and aggressiveness to it, but I wrote the song to myself and I do feel strongly that its something the Holy Spirit has been laying upon my heart lately. So my hope is that this song will push some buttons for other people as well and get us all thinking about what it is that we really believe, and how we are portraying that to the world around us. It's called Pipe Dream.

Pipe Dream

You say you believe
but you live like you're diseased
you make the whole world laugh at me
as if I'm only your pipe dream

cause what I see in your life
is that opposites deny
the very truth you keep inside

and that you only love when you've been loved
and only give when you've had enough
and you keep the least of these away from me

You say you believe
but you live like you're diseased
you make the whole world laugh at me
as if I'm only your pipe dream

so tell me one more time
that you want me in your life
cause I can see right through your lies

and that you only love when you've been loved
and only give when you've had enough
and you keep the least of these away from me

You say you believe
but you live like you're diseased
you make the whole world laugh at me
as if I'm only your pipe dream

maybe dreams mean more to you
maybe you're more false than true
maybe I'm not real to you
maybe we are nearly through

My Utmost - November 27, 2009

2009-11-27T23:52:00.001-05:00

http://www.myutmost.org/11/1127.html

It Is Finished

Galations 6:14
“By whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world.”

Key Passages

If I brood on the Cross of Christ, I do not become a subjective pietist, interested in my own whiteness; I become dominantly concentrated on Jesus Christ's interests.
Our Lord was not a recluse nor an ascetic, He did not cut himself off from society, but he was inwardly disconnected all the time.
He was not aloof, but he lived in another world.
He was so much in the ordinary world that the religious people of his day called him a glutton and a wine-bibber.
Our Lord never allowed anything to interfere with His consecration of spiritual energy.
We must never allow anything to interfere with the consecration of our spiritual energy.
Consecration is our part, sanctification is God's part; and we have deliberately to determine to be interested only in that in which God is interested.

My Own Thoughts

Dear Heavenly Father, I want to be consumed by that which concerned you. The things that you cared about, I want to care about Lord. I pray in your Son Jesus Christ's name that you would consume me with these matters. I pray Lord that you would use me in this world to accomplish your will, but I pray that you would keep me from allowing the world to consume me with its desires. Give me the desire to follow you only Lord, and not myself. Give me eyes to see the world the way you see it. While you have me in this world, keep me in it, but not of the world. Show me how to reach an unbelieving and hurting world around me, all the while, not getting caught up in it, but longing desperately for my true home. Be with me Lord, and convict me when something comes between you and I. Keep my focus right, and locked on you.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 329

2009-11-26T01:22:00.002-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/329

Nehemiah 13

14 Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services.

22b Remember me for this also, O my God, and show mercy to me according to your great love.

I love this whole chapter. Nehemiah is giving an account of how he was trying very hard to keep the people of God from sinning, and falling out of favor with God yet again. He will tell of something he did to try and correct the people, then appeal to God to remember him for all that he was trying to do for God.
Nehemiah has some amazing zeal and love for God and His reputation, and some real frustration and trying to deal with people.
Nehemiah went completely and utterly out of his own way to make the reputation of God great. Even when it was very difficult and he couldn't get the people to go along with him, he worked very hard to uphold the reputation of God, and to make His people holy. If only there were more people like Nehemiah at the time, and even now. Nehemiah wasn't the priest, or even part of the temple workers. He was just a guy who became cup bearer to the king, who had a desire to see the reputation of God made great and he was willing to do what it took. Even confront the High Priest on his wrong doing, he confronted the people on their sinfulness, not to mention he organized the complete rebuilding of the city walls and the city itself pretty much. Amazing guy!

Nehemiah 1
Nehemiah's Prayer

1 The words of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah:
In the month of Kislev in the twentieth year, while I was in the citadel of Susa,

2 Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem.

3 They said to me, “Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire.”
4 When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.

5 Then I said:

“O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands,6 let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you.

7 We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.
8 “Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations,

9 but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.’
10 “They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand.

11 O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.”

I was cupbearer to the king.

Amos 5

21 “I hate, I despise your religious feasts;
I cannot stand your assemblies.

22 Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
I will have no regard for them.

23 Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.

24 But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-failing stream!

2 Timothy 2

3 Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.4 No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs–he wants to please his commanding officer.5 Similarly, if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not receive the victor's crown unless he competes according to the rules.6 The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops.

7 Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.

God give me the desire to meditate upon your words and your instruction

11 Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;

12 if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;

13 if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

16 Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.

I really like the “if we are faithless, he will remain faithful.” that is encouraging to me today.
From the Amplified Bible... “11 The saying is sure and worthy of confidence: If we have died with Him, we shall also live with Him.12 If we endure, we shall also reign with Him. If we deny and disown and reject Him, He will also deny and disown and reject us.13 If we are faithless [do not believe and are untrue to Him], He remains true (faithful to His Word and His righteous character), for He cannot deny Himself.”

19 Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”

22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.23 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.24 And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,

26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

God give me the ability to flee from the desires that still try to direct me. Give me the desire to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace. I want to call on you with a pure heart Lord. Give me the ability to be a peacemaker, to not be a quarreler, and to be humble.

My Utmost - November 18, 2009

2009-11-18T23:54:00.002-05:00

http://www.myutmost.org/11/1118.html

Winning Into Freedom

John 8:36
“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”

Key Passages

We are designed with a great capacity for God; and sin and our individuality are the things that keep us from getting at God.
God delivers us from sin: we have to deliver ourselves from individuality, i.e., to present our natural life to God and sacrifice it until it is transformed into a spiritual life by obedience.
God does not pay any attention to our natural individuality in the development of our spiritual life. His order runs across the natural life, and we have to see that we aid and abet God, not stand against Him and say - “I can't do that”.
God will not discipline us, we have to discipline ourselves.
God will not bring every thought and imagination into captivity; we have to do it.

My Own Thoughts

I have to somewhat summarize this passage to make it more understandable to myself. What I think he is saying here is that we all have an immense desire to know God. To know and be known. We also are a broken people with selfish desires and drives, and sins we fall into routinely. God can and has delivered us from the effects of the sin. If we believe in His Son Jesus Christ and that His death on the cross covered over our sins making us blameless in the sight of God, then God has delivered us from the outcome of sin. He doesn't automatically take away the sin as a source of temptation however. The temptation will still exist to follow our own desires and to commit those same sins that have a foothold in our lives. We have to go about the work of “dying to ourselves” so that we don't follow our own desires, and so that we don't continue to fall into the sins we are prone to wander into. If you struggle with a porn addiction don't imagine that its just going to stop being a source of temptation because you believe in God. If anything the temptation may increase because the enemy wants us to fail and to feel defeated. We have to conquer that temptation by practicing self control and obedience to the Word of God.

2 Corinthians 10:1-5

1By the meekness and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you—I, Paul, who am "timid" when face to face with you, but "bold" when away! 2I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world. 3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We can say we believe all we want, but still have to do the work of dying to ourselves so that we can follow Christ and reflect Him to those around us. You wouldn't just say you believed in exercise and eating right and expect that belief to be enough to transform your body. Even though it is true that these things will transform your body... you have to actually choose to do them yourself. So if you say you believe something, but never follow through with the discipline it takes to actually live that belief, did you ever really believe it in the first place?

John 8:34-36

34Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

If you were a slave for your whole life, and one day you were set free, would you know how to stop being a slave instantly? You'd no longer have the effects of slavery, but you'd have to learn and choose to be free and to live like a free person. Look at the Israelites when taken out of Egypt. They were made free, they walked for a little while, and decided that freedom wasn't for them because they didn't know how to live it. They wanted to go back to Egypt and live in slavery again. It looked better to them than freedom. How ludicrous does that sound? But its very true that its way easier to sit where things are comfortable and easy, rather than choose to live be free and have to do the hard work of being a free man. But we are called to it because thats what it means to follow Christ. If the world sees and hears us professing to be Christians and supposedly having this “higher standard”, but then they see and hear us living it totally opposite, Christ will be made a joke to them. A late night talk show comedy bit about the failings and hypocrisy of Christianity.

Nobody said it would be easy. But if you believe, tough choices and hard work will follow. That is the life of the honest and true follower of Christ.

My Utmost - November 17, 2009

2009-11-17T00:50:00.001-05:00

http://www.myutmost.org/11/1117.html

The Eternal Goal

Genesis 22:16-17
“By Myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, that in blessing I will bless thee...”

Key Passages

Abraham has reached the place where he is in touch with the very nature of God.
“My goal is God Himself. At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.”
“At any cost, by any road” means nothing self-chosen in the way God brings us to the goal.
When Jesus says “Come” I simply come; when He says “Let go” I let go; when He says “Trust in God in this matter” I do trust. The whole working out is the evidence that the nature of God is in me.
By the discipline of obedience I get to the place where Abraham was and I see Who God is.
I never have a real God until I have come face to face with Him in Jesus Christ, then I know that “in all the world, my God, there is none but thee.”

My Own Thoughts

Dear Heavenly Father make that my desire today... that “my goal is God Himself. At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.” I want to know you for who you are, not who I have made you out to be by my own feeble understanding. As I tell my kids all the time... “when I say to do something, just do it”, and I tell them this because I want them to do what I say not out of fear, but out of obedience and love for me. It takes discipline to be obedient, and to raise kids to be be obedient it takes discipline. God give me the desire to be obedient to you at all times that I might see who you are, and truly know you. I want to come face to face with you Lord and know that there is none but thee. None other to pursue but you Lord...

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 321

2009-11-17T00:47:00.002-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/321
Nehemiah 4

14 After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

The story of Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem is a great story. These men were being attacked on every side, but they persevered and trusted the Lord, who they knew to be great and awesome, and who had allowed them to return to their home land and rebuild it.
God fought for this group of people that longed to see the city of God returned to its glory. They wanted it for the right reasons and I believe this is why God put His hand upon the project. It must have seemed like an impossible task because of the amount of work, and the opposition. Nehemiah however knew God's had was upon the work, and that He would deliver them through the persecution, and that ultimately they would be successful. I wish I had this kind of faith.

Hosea 14

1 Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God.
Your sins have been your downfall!

2 Take words with you
and return to the Lord.
Say to him:
“Forgive all our sins
and receive us graciously,
that we may offer the fruit of our lips.

“the fruit of our lips” offered up to God after He has forgiven us and graciously accepted us... Christ' work on the cross completed this, thus we can offer up the fruit of our lips at all times. Nice opening for a praise and worship set sometime...

4 “I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them.

Dear Heavenly Father, heal my waywardness. My heart wanders Lord. I am drawn away by my selfishness, self interest, and personal pity. Love me freely Lord... Thank you so much that your anger is turned from me Lord and that I am forgiven.

9 Who is wise? He will realize these things.
Who is discerning? He will understand them.
The ways of the Lord are right;
the righteous walk in them,
but the rebellious stumble in them.

1 Thessalonians 3

5 For this reason, when I could stand it no longer, I sent to find out about your faith. I was afraid that in some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless.

6 But Timothy has just now come to us from you and has brought good news about your faith and love. He has told us that you always have pleasant memories of us and that you long to see us, just as we also long to see you.7 Therefore, brothers, in all our distress and persecution we were encouraged about you because of your faith.8 For now we really live, since you are standing firm in the Lord.9 How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you?

1 Thessalonians 4

3 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God;6 and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.

8 Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

A lesson in self control and an area for all believers to differentiate ourselves from unbelievers. Not in some prideful, holier than thou way. But in a way that is quiet and not “in your face” as it goes on to say in verse 11....

11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, 12 so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody

lead a quiet life, and mind your own business... 2 things I am not good at doing, as well as a good portion of the Christian community I think. Let your daily life win the respect of outsiders... let your life, submitted to God, be proof that you believe what you say, and that it is all true.
I am drawn again to the way that Christ confronted sin differently with those outside the church, “the sinners”, and those inside the church, the Pharisees and religious hierarchy of the day. To “the sinners” he was loving, and gentle, and he drew out their sin in a way that was firm and truthful, but he had a way of doing it that didn't make them think he was just some judgmental jerk. He had a way of doing it that made them understand their need for saving and made them want it. To the religious people, he took them to task and came right after them calling them a brood of vipers, and hypocrites. Hypocrites is a pretty strong word which according to the dictionary means “a person who pretends to be something he is not”. It gives you the feeling that the people outside the church are safer from the wrath of God than the people within the church because we are being judged by the standard we profess to believe. We aren't being judged by a standard we had no idea existed.

13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.15 According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.

18 Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Be encouraged today, that we who have believed that Jesus died and rose again will be raised to life eternal with the Lord forever.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 313

2009-11-09T23:35:00.002-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/313

Ezra 3
Key Passages

11 With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the Lord:
“He is good;
his love to Israel endures forever.” And all the people gave a great shout of praise to the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid.12 But many of the older priests and Levites and family heads, who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this temple being laid, while many others shouted for joy.

13 No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away.

I want to be a part of a group like this. Some were unbelievably happy to see the beginning of a new temple being built, signaling a time of return to their religious roots. Some were unbelievably saddened to see their old temple completely covered over and lost forever. Either way they were deeply impacted by the establishing of the new temple and felt it deeply. I want to feel deeply when it comes to matters of the heart and things I believe.

Ezra 4
Key Passages

23 As soon as the copy of the letter of King Artaxerxes was read to Rehum and Shimshai the secretary and their associates, they went immediately to the Jews in Jerusalem and compelled them by force to stop.

24 Thus the work on the house of God in Jerusalem came to a standstill until the second year of the reign of Darius king of Persia.

Hosea 6
Key Passages

1 “Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.

2 After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.

3 Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”

6 For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.

I love how both these sections stress acknowledgement of God. He wants us to be in relationship with Him and actually listening to what He says. He is here. He is with us. How can we ignore Him? “He will appear, He will come to us like the winter rains, like the springs that water Earth.” Father God I ask that you appear to me and show me yourself. I acknowledge your presence in my life. Give me the desire to know you for who you really are. Not who I've heard you are. Not who I've made you out to be in my own mind. Show me who you really are.

Acts 23
Key Passages

11 The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, “Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.”

“... the Lord stood near Paul and said, 'Take courage!'...”
There have been many a time in my life when I needed to hear that very thing from the Lord. There are times in my life right now when I need to hear it. Take courage, He has a plan, and you're in the midst of it. Be patient.

Acts 24
Key Passages

14 However, I admit that I worship the God of our fathers as a follower of the Way, which they call a sect. I believe everything that agrees with the Law and that is written in the Prophets,15 and I have the same hope in God as these men, that there will be a resurrection of both the righteous and the wicked.

16 So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.

Something I've loved to see happening here in this area of acts is that we are exposed to the genius of Paul, or I guess we could say the genius answers he is given by the Holy Spirit when questioned by all the officials. The guy knows how to get out of trouble if there is any possible route out of it, and he knows how to answer every question in a very well thought out God honoring way. Not to mention he's under some pretty intense pressure here...
Verse 16 reflects how Paul is able to answer and be completely God honoring. He seeks to keep a clear conscience before God and man.

24 Several days later Felix came with his wife Drusilla, who was a Jewess. He sent for Paul and listened to him as he spoke about faith in Christ Jesus.25 As Paul discoursed on righteousness, self control and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid and said, “That's enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you.”

I find this section humorous considering the next section. Felix was made afraid as Paul was speaking of righteousness, self-control and judgment to come. He was talking about these things to Felix, who we find out in the next verse was meeting with Paul in hopes that Paul would offer him a bribe. Not exactly the most righteous or self-controlled thing to do.... and worthy of coming judgment.

26 At the same time he was hoping that Paul would offer him a bribe, so he sent for him frequently and talked with him.

27 When two years had passed, Felix was succeeded by Porcius Festus, but because Felix wanted to grant a favor to the Jews, he left Paul in prison.

24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul's defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable.26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner.

27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”

28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”

29 Paul replied, “Short time or long–I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”

I love the insight we are given into the heart of Paul here. He truly cares that all men would come to know the Lord. He doesn't care how long it takes. His only care is that we would all become the kind of person he was, because he is talking to us today as well.
What type of person was Paul? He was a Christ follower. The most authentic and genuine form of Christ follower you can be. He gave his entire life for furthering the message of Christ.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 310

2009-11-07T01:14:00.003-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/310

2 Chronicles 35
Key Passages

17 The Israelites who were present celebrated the Passover at that time and observed the Feast of Unleavened Bread for seven days.18 The Passover had not been observed like this in Israel since the days of the prophet Samuel; and none of the kings of Israel had ever celebrated such a Passover as did Josiah, with the priests, the Levites and all Judah and Israel who were there with the people of Jerusalem. 19 This Passover was celebrated in the eighteenth year of Josiah's reign.

What an amazing event and day that must have been really to see an entire nation return to the God who chose, loved, and delivered them. What would that look like in our nation? I'd love to see this happen here in our nation.

Hosea 3
Key Passages

1 The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

“Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites....” How difficult is it to love an adulteress spouse? I am blessed that this is not something my own marriage relationship has fallen into, because I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a person you love, trust, and cherish turn their back on you and seek someone else to share their most intimate of relationships with.

Acts 18
Key Passages

9 One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.10 For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.”

The Lord is with me as he was with Paul. The difference is that I have literally nothing to fear because no one is going to attack me for talking about God. So why am I still silent?

Acts 19
Key Passages

1 While Apollos was at Corinth, Paul took the road through the interior and arrived at Ephesus. There he found some disciples 2 and asked them, “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” They answered, “No, we have not even heard that there is a Holy Spirit.” 3 So Paul asked, “Then what baptism did you receive?” “John's baptism,” they replied. 4 Paul said, “John's baptism was a baptism of repentance. He told the people to believe in the one coming after him, that is, in Jesus.”5 On hearing this, they were baptized into the name of the Lord Jesus.6 When Paul placed his hands on them, the Holy Spirit came on them, and they spoke in tongues and prophesied.

Paul asks them if they received the Holy Spirit when they believed, and it seems to me that he is eluding to the question of whether they had shown signs of filling of the Spirit... speaking in tongues and prophesying... They say they have received the baptism of John which Paul then calls a baptism of repentance. My question then becomes how many have received the baptism of repentance, but not the baptism of the Holy Spirit. John the Baptist himself says in Matthew 3:11 that “I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” I have a desire to have this baptism of the Holy Spirit, and I want to receive it as the people here received it. They had no idea what was going to happen. They were not privy to debates about tongues and prophesy as we are today. They simply received this baptism of the Holy Spirit and things started flowing out of them that they couldn't explain other than to say that the Holy Spirit had invaded them. I want the Holy Spirit to invade me as He did here.

11 God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, 12 so that even handkerchiefs and aprons that had touched him were taken to the sick, and their illnesses were cured and the evil spirits left them. 13 Some Jews who went around driving out evil spirits tried to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who were demon possessed. They would say, “In the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out.”14 Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this.15 One day the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and I know about Paul, but who are you?” 16 Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding. 17 When this became known to the Jews and Greeks living in Ephesus, they were all seized with fear, and the name of the Lord Jesus was held in high honor.18 Many of those who believed now came and openly confessed their evil deeds.19 A number who had practiced sorcery brought their scrolls together and burned them publicly. When they calculated the value of the scrolls, the total came to fifty thousand drachmas.

This story is comical and amazingly powerful at the same time. I think its hilarious how the evil spirit just decimated these 7 guys who were using Jesus' name as some sort of tinker toy power tool. Then we are told what happened immediately after this... the hearts of the people were revealed as well. They had all been treating His name in the same way. They all made little of him as if the could wield the power of the Holy Spirit anytime they wanted to accomplish their goals and glory. At this event it says they were seized with fear, because they were all thinking the same as these 7 sons. When they realized the power they were up against and that Jesus' name was really the only thing powerful enough to defeat it, they began to genuinely believe and cling to the truth of who Christ was. He wasn't just another trinket for them to throw in their purse and pull out to bring about some glory and recognition for themselves. He was the real deal, and the only thing that could save them from the power of evil and deliver them from their sin.

23 About that time there arose a great disturbance about the Way.24 A silversmith named Demetrius, who made silver shrines of Artemis, brought in no little business for the craftsmen.25 He called them together, along with the workmen in related trades, and said: “Men, you know we receive a good income from this business.26 And you see and hear how this fellow Paul has convinced and led astray large numbers of people here in Ephesus and in practically the whole province of Asia. He says that man made gods are no gods at all. 27 There is danger not only that our trade will lose its good name, but also that the temple of the great goddess Artemis will be discredited, and the goddess herself, who is worshiped throughout the province of Asia and the world, will be robbed of her divine majesty.” 28 When they heard this, they were furious and began shouting: “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!”29 Soon the whole city was in an uproar. The people seized Gaius and Aristarchus, Paul's traveling companions from Macedonia, and rushed as one man into the theater.30 Paul wanted to appear before the crowd, but the disciples would not let him. 31 Even some of the officials of the province, friends of Paul, sent him a message begging him not to venture into the theater. 32 The assembly was in confusion: Some were shouting one thing, some another. Most of the people did not even know why they were there.33 The Jews pushed Alexander to the front, and some of the crowd shouted instructions to him. He motioned for silence in order to make a defense before the people. 34 But when they realized he was a Jew, they all shouted in unison for about two hours: “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!” 35 The city clerk quieted the crowd and said: “Men of Ephesus, doesn't all the world know that the city of Ephesus is the guardian of the temple of the great Artemis and of her image, which fell from heaven?36 Therefore, since these facts are undeniable, you ought to be quiet and not do anything rash.37 You have brought these men here, though they have neither robbed temples nor blasphemed our goddess.38 If, then, Demetrius and his fellow craftsmen have a grievance against anybody, the courts are open and there are proconsuls. They can press charges.39 If there is anything further you want to bring up, it must be settled in a legal assembly.40 As it is, we are in danger of being charged with rioting because of today's events. In that case we would not be able to account for this commotion, since there is no reason for it.” s41 After he had said this, he dismissed the assembly.

I gotta say the first thing that struck me in this story is that the Ephesian people who were rioting still seemed more reasonable than a lot of other people the apostles had encountered. They did riot, but at least when reasoned with and confronted on what they were doing, they calmed down, the crowd left, and no one was hurt.
I also have to wonder how much these silversmiths and workmen in related trades actually cared that Artemis was being “dissed” by Paul and the message coming from the apostles, or if it was all just that they were losing money and livelihood.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 309

2009-11-05T14:31:00.004-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/309

2 Chronicles 34
Key Passages

1 Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years.2 He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left.

Seems beyond imagination that an 8 year old was made king to rule over Israel. I see my son now who is almost 7. I can not imagine him as a king over a nation. Yet this young man did rule a nation, a tumultuous one at that, and he did it in a God honoring fashion even from such a young age. If God can use an 8 year old boy to rule a nation and bring it back to Him, then he can use me as a father and husband to be the spiritual leader of my family.

Hosea 2
Key Passages

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’

Chasing after other lovers is the past time of choice for most people including myself. I go after whatever I think is going to make me happy. I've chased other lovers, and have not caught them because they can not be caught. I've sought happiness wherever I thought I could get it, and found that it is not in any of the places I've looked. I need to get back to my first love. The only love that satisfies.

14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.16 “In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ 17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked.

Acts 16
Key Passages

14 One of those listening was a woman named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth from the city of Thyatira, who was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul's message.

Lord open my heart to respond to your message. Lord give me a desire to know you the way you are. Reveal yourself to me Lord. Open my heart Lord so that my desire is to respond to You.

18 She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so troubled that he turned around and said to the spirit, “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!” At that moment the spirit left her.

There is so much power in the name of Christ. It says “At that moment the spirit left her...” there was no hesitation. That spirit knew what it had to do, and the authority that flowed out of Paul through the name of Jesus Christ showed no hesitation, fear, or doubt. The spirit that possessed that young girl had only one response and that was flee simply at the name of Christ spoken in authority and power by Paul.

25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.

The first thing I would be doing if I were thrown in a jail cell is praying. I'd be praying like crazy. I know for a fact that I'd be praying unceasingly and I know this because I know myself. My prayer would definitely be much different than Paul and Silas' prayer though. While they were praying and singing praises, I'd be sitting silently probably scared to death praying that God would get me out of there. The last thing on my mind would be to sing praises to God. This is a true testament to the power of God in these men's lives that they thought to praise God in a very bad situation that I am positive they didn't want to be in. They saw their imprisonment as a blessing, and the other prisoners were listening to them and being ministered to through it. I hope that someday my life would be changed sufficiently so that in my darkest moments of life I would sing praises to God and have no fear.

Acts 17
Key Passages

10 As soon as it was night, the brothers sent Paul and Silas away to Berea. On arriving there, they went to the Jewish synagogue.11 Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.

“...they received the message with great eagerness and examined the scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.”
God give me that same desire so that I receive your message with great eagerness, and I examine and study your word every day.

23 For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: To an Unknown God. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you. 24 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

God determined the times set for us and the exact places we would live and he did all this so that we may reach out to Him. God set us in the place and time we are because He wanted us to reach out to him. He engineered our lives so that we'd be placed in the best position possible to reach out to him. And in this place He has placed us, His Spirit dwells, and we quite literally live and move and have our being in Him.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 308

2009-11-03T23:59:00.001-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/308

2 Chronicles 33
Key Passages

10 The Lord spoke to Manasseh and his people, but they paid no attention.11 So the Lord brought against them the army commanders of the king of Assyria, who took Manasseh prisoner, put a hook in his nose, bound him with bronze shackles and took him to Babylon.12 In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers.

13 And when he prayed to him, the Lord was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea; so he brought him back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord is God.

Another great story of a completely wicked and twisted man, made broken by God, who turns his life around and is completely changed by the grace of God.

Hosea 1
Key Passages

2 When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord.”

3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.

Gomer symbolizes the people of Israel in that day because they had forgotten their first love and become completely adulterous. What an amazing symbol God gives of His love for His bride, despite her adultery.

Acts 14
Key Passages

8 In Lystra there sat a man crippled in his feet, who was lame from birth and had never walked.9 He listened to Paul as he was speaking. Paul looked directly at him, saw that he had faith to be healed

10 and called out, “Stand up on your feet!” At that, the man jumped up and began to walk.

Another amazing healing story that actually leads the people of Lystra to believe that Paul and Barnabas are gods... Paul tries to tell them that they are not gods, and he tries to point them to the one true God, but the crowd still is trying to sacrifice to them, and then all the sudden...

19 Then some Jews came from Antioch and Iconium and won the crowd over. They stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead.

20 But after the disciples had gathered around him, he got up and went back into the city. The next day he and Barnabas left for Derbe.

Ouch! Fickle crowd I guess. One minute they were calling them gods and trying to sacrifice to them, the next verse they are suddenly trying to kill Paul by throwing large rocks at his head. Paul wakes up from his beat down and what does he immediately do... he goes back into the city. The city full of the people who just stoned him. Ballsy for sure... The next day they leave for Derbe. So was Paul doing ok at this point or did he have some broken bones? Maybe a few huge knots on his head...

21 They preached the good news in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch,22 strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said.23 Paul and Barnabas appointed elders for them in each church and, with prayer and fasting, committed them to the Lord, in whom they had put their trust.

Derbe seems to go much better... then you'll notice they go back to the towns that they were just in where they got treated like crap, and stoned. They went to encourage the believers there, and how do they encourage the brothers in those towns, “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God”... That message probably delivered while Paul was still healing up from a severe stoning he received in their town.
We get another reference to fasting... fasting combined with prayer.

Acts 15
Key Passages

5 Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to obey the law of Moses.”
6 The apostles and elders met to consider this question.7 After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe.8 God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us.9 He made no distinction between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith.10 Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the disciples a yoke that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear?

11 No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

An encouraging word from the apostle Peter... we are saved by the grace of Jesus Christ, just as we are, not because we have done anything... stop trying to earn what you already have...

36 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.”37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them,38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work.39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus,40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.

Maybe the first recorded story of a “church split”... sort of. However you see that they did not make this into a big deal. They disagreed, they parted company, they left commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. It doesn't talk about how their split destroyed anything because it didn't. They split and their disagreement actually served to further the spread of the gospel because it was going to more places now. They didn't trash each other.

YouVersion Daily Reading: Day 307

2009-11-03T00:20:00.002-05:00

http://www.youversion.com/reading-plan/robert-roberts/307

2 Chronicles 32
Key Passages

6 He appointed military officers over the people and assembled them before him in the square at the city gate and encouraged them with these words:7 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him.

8 With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said.

19 They spoke about the God of Jerusalem as they did about the gods of the other peoples of the world—the work of men's hands.
20 King Hezekiah and the prophet Isaiah son of Amoz cried out in prayer to heaven about this.

21 And the Lord sent an angel, who annihilated all the fighting men and the leaders and officers in the camp of the Assyrian king. So he withdrew to his own land in disgrace. And when he went into the temple of his god, some of his sons cut him down with the sword.
22 So the Lord saved Hezekiah and the people of Jerusalem from the hand of Sennacherib king of Assyria and from the hand of all others. He took care of them on every side.

30 It was Hezekiah who blocked the upper outlet of the Gihon spring and channeled the water down to the west side of the City of David. He succeeded in everything he undertook.

31 But when envoys were sent by the rulers of Babylon to ask him about the miraculous sign that had occurred in the land, God left him to test him and to know everything that was in his heart.

I am curious how this test turned out. It doesn't say here in this passage how Hezekiah faired in the testing God put him through

Daniel 12
Key Passages

1 “At that time Michael, the great prince who protects your people, will arise. There will be a time of distress such as has not happened from the beginning of nations until then. But at that time your people—everyone whose name is found written in the book—will be delivered.2 Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt.3 Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever.

10 Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.

Am I wise...? Do I understand? This is actually a fear of mine, that I will somehow miss the boat when God arrives or I'll be looking the wrong direction

Acts 13
Key Passages

2 While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.”

3 So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off.

There seems to be lots of fasting to go along with their praying... Is this something I should be doing? It sure sounds that way. What is the role of fasting?

26 “Brothers, children of Abraham, and you God fearing Gentiles, it is to us that this message of salvation has been sent.

This message was sent to those who were already believers in God. The message of salvation through Jesus was sent to them. So the message is for us today... salvation is found in no one else. Now take that to the world around you.

38 “Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.39 Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses.

48 When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.

“... and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.”... what does that mean exactly that those “appointed” believed? God chooses us specifically. There is a whole debate wrapped up in this verse.

49 The word of the Lord spread through the whole region.50 But the Jews incited the God fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region.51 So they shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium.

52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.

I love that the disciples were filled with joy and the Holy Spirit upon being kicked out of a town. It seems as though this had to come as a sign to them that they were on the right track with what they were doing. Jesus told them they would face persecution and this type of thing. So they knew they were fulfilling their calling from God because what He said would happen... happened.

My Kids...

2009-11-02T10:49:00.003-05:00

If only every interaction they had could be like this one...

Grace, while searching through her Polly Pockets toys finds 2 pieces she's been looking for forever...

Grace: "My wish came true!!! Jack did you pray for these?"

Jack: "Yup".

Grace: "You're the best friend ever Jack!"

Me: "I love my kids..."

My Utmost - Oct 31, 2009

2009-11-01T01:07:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1031.html

Discernment Of Faith

Matthew 17:20
“Faith as a grain of mustard seed...”

Key Passages

We have this idea that God rewards us for our faith.
… we do not earn anything by faith; faith brings us into right relationship with God and gives God His opportunity.
You earlier life of faith was narrow and intense... then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order to teach you to walk by faith.
You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.
Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him – I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

My Own Thoughts

This is actually a really encouraging passage to read. Hearing that sentence, “You are worth more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony...” that is right where I am at and right where I want to be. I always ask the question “why can't things be like they were?” You know like back when I was new to Christianity and I was very young and all life seemed easy. Then I moved out, went to college, got married, and had kids... now life has gotten complicated to say the least. Things aren't so simple in the world these days. Faith becomes more real in times like this, at least for me. It's not just a word you say... its something you have to practice because there are some times when all you can do is believe that God is real, and trust that He is in control.

Something strikes me lately, and convicts me... and this is pretty much unrelated to this post... I can read books about the Bible very easily, but to actually jump into the Bible and read it and take down my thoughts has proven quite the challenge for me for a very long time. Lately God has been convicting me of this... I don't believe it to be wrong that I have been reading Oswald Chambers and taking notes, but I have done it at the neglect of reading the actual Word of God... so in regards to this I think I am going to be changing my (somewhat) daily entries here... instead of entries from Oswald Chambers, I'm going to read through a section of the Bible and take down some notes and thoughts to share with the 1 person who reads this blog entry :) I am not sure where I am going to start yet, but I'll start somewhere. Maybe I'll start going through the 1 year Bible, or jump into a gospel... who knows... We'll see what happens. Your relationship with God is just like any other relationship, if you want it to work, you have to spend time with that person. How do we spend time with God? Prayer... reading the Word... so I need to start actually doing this...

There's my confession to you. I haven't been reading the Word, or at least not consistently and not for a very long time. How can we challenge each other to do this? How can we spur each other on towards stronger and deeper relationship with God? We must get into the Word and keep each other accountable. Who's got my back?

My Utmost - Oct 30, 2009

2009-10-30T00:58:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1030.html

Faith

Hebrews 11:6
“Without faith it is impossible to please Him.”

Key Passages

Faith in antagonism to common sense is fanaticism, and common sense in antagonism to faith is rationalism. The life of faith brings the two into a right relation.
Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails.
To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes.
God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real.
Faith is the whole man rightly related to God by the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

My Own Thoughts

“To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes.”... That really feels like the fight I have been in for about 3 years now. Taking all this stuff I was told and taught and making it my belief. Not just something I say I believe, and regretfully do not live. I can see God working in lots of circumstances in my life, which makes it all the more amazing that I struggle so much... I know He's there, I see Him moving, I see Him acting, and yet I fail miserably at living the life He wants me to live. The life of bringing the kingdom to those around me and those I come in contact with in any way... I love that line “... the nature of faith is to make its object real.” I can feel that. I no longer sense a desire to believe, but I sense an amazing to desire to see what I have believed in. I know its there, I just want to see it clearly, without the veil. Even if its just the edge of his robe, the train of His glory as He passes by me...

The other night I was at a worship event at my church and it had to be one of the most intense worship experiences I have been a part of, at least in a very very long time. I had trouble settling into the service for a while because I felt like I needed to get something out of it. Like I needed to be ministered to. Then about 3 songs in, something in my head snapped. I realized suddenly that I was there to worship God... this is not a time for me to be worried about getting anything out of this. This was a time of giving God glory no matter what the circumstances were in my life, and what I thought I needed to get out of this experience. I had to worship Him because He is God, and that is all there is to it. When this snapped into my head I had a sense come over me like a warm blanket that He was in the room with me right at that moment. I almost felt like I could see Him. My faith for that instance seemed to be more real than ever. Then we took communion, and I've never taken a communion like it before. It seemed very literal and real. When they elders who were handing out the bread and wine said “this is Christ body broken for you” and “this is Christ blood poured out for you”, I've never felt a closer connection with communion. It basically ruined me... I lost control of myself emotionally for a little while and it took a lot of work to get my usual tough guy persona back. But through the experience and afterwards I was so amazed at how real my faith became when I stopped thinking of myself and what I needed, and I was able to praise God simply because He is God and He deserves our praise.

So the short of it, take your eyes off yourself and your own need for one minute and see how real God can become. Stop thinking of yourself for just a little while. God could show up and do something amazing, or He might choose not to sometimes. Either way, He is worthy to be praised, despite how we feel.

My Utmost - Oct 29, 2009

2009-10-29T00:42:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1029.html

Substitution

2 Corinthians 5:21
“He hath made Him to be sin for us... that we might be made the righteousness of God...”

Key Passages

The New Testament view is that He bore our sin not by sympathy, but by identification. He was made to be sin.
Our sins are removed because of the death of Jesus, and the explanation of His death is His obedience to His Father, not His sympathy with us.
What is taught in the New Testament is that “He died for all” (not – He died my death), and that by identification with His death I can be freed from sin, and have imparted to me His very righteousness.

My Own Thoughts

Sometimes I find that I ignore the Father and the Spirit because we are focused on the life of Jesus. I feel like they get left behind because we focus on Jesus. While obviously its not wrong to focus on Jesus, we gotta realize that He is part of the triune God. The Father loved us so much, that He sent His son... (John 3:16-17), Christ died for us out of obedience to His Father... (Philippians 2:6-8). When we believe in the sacrifice of Christ and repent and turn from our ways and follow the way that Christ laid out for us to live, we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 1:4-8) which empowers us to live the way that Christ prescribed for us to live. This is the Kingdom Life. The life that God wants for all His children to live. The life that brings His Kingdom to where we are now. This is not some promise delayed for when we die, but it is the life we are able to live now. All this brought about by the Father's love, Christ's obedience, and the Holy Spirit's work in us...

My Utmost - Oct 21, 2009

2009-10-21T23:56:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1021.html

Direction By Impulse

Jude 20
“Building up yourselves on your most holy faith.”

Key Passages

There was nothing either of the nature of impulse or of cold-bloodedness about our Lord, but only a calm strength that never got into panic.
Impulse is a trait in natural life, but our Lord always ignores it, because it hinders the development of the life of a disciple.
Impulse is alright in a child, but it is disastrous in a man or woman; an impulsive man is always a petted man.
Impulse has to be trained into intuition by discipline.
… it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint, to go through the drudgery as a disciple, to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus.
It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes.

My Own Thoughts

I am an impulsive guy. I live my life by feeling. I know this because I recently took a personality test that told me as much. I get an impulse I move on it... although sometimes its a blurry line whether that impulse should have been entertained or moved upon. I've been really wrestling with this idea of “living in the drudgery”. I feel that inbred desire or impulse to do something or to be a part of something exceptional for God. I don't think its a bad thing, other than I keep sitting on my hands and waiting for that exceptional thing to come along. I think to myself, when this thing happens, when things get rolling in this direction, then I can really serve God. Meanwhile I am not serving Him where He has me. What if the grand exceptional thing I am looking for never comes along? Will I never have served God? How will I look back on my life when I am 80 years old and I realize that I have wasted my whole life waiting for some grand calling that never came along, and all He really wanted from me was to live the life He described to live all the while....

Everyone should read this passage. We have this crazy idea in our culture that amazing things are going to happen to us in life. That we are all going to be celebrities and we're all going to be famous and doing amazing things, at least in the world's eyes. Well, that most likely just isn't going to happen to us (didn't I hear this speech in the movie “Fight Club”?)... It's so true though, Tyler Durton had it right. We all think we're going to make it, and we keep waiting for that and looking for it, and even trying things that would make us appear crazy in an attempt to make it happen. Forget it! Live your life now, where you are at, where God has placed you. Live the life he described for us to live where He has put you. I am screaming this at myself right now.

There's lots more to say on this subject, but I'd love to hear from anyone out there reading. If there is anyone...

My Utmost - Oct 19, 2009

2009-10-19T23:02:00.002-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1019.html

The Unheeded Secret

John 18:36
“My kingdom is not of this world.”

Key Passages

The great enemy to the Lord Jesus Christ in the present day is the conception of practical work that has not come from the New Testament, but from the systems of the world in which endless energy and activities are insisted upon, but no private life with God.
Jesus said, “The Kingdom of God cometh not with observation, for lo the Kingdom of God is within you,” a hidden, obscure thing.
The central thing about the Kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship to Himself, not public usefulness to men.
You have no idea where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in overactive energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God's Redemption, you will snap when the strain comes; but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him whatever happens.

My Own Thoughts

Here is something I need... I need to soak in the great fundamental truths of God's redemption. I need to stop reading books about the Bible and hearing what others have to say about the Bible, and I need to actually read the Bible.

My Utmost - Oct 16, 2009

2009-10-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1016.html

The Key To The Master's Orders

Matthew 9:38
“Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that He will send forth labourers into His harvest.”

Key Passages

The key to the missionary problem is not the key of common sense, nor the medical key, nor the key of civilization or education or even evangelization. The key is prayer.
Naturally prayer is not practical, it is absurd; we have to realize that prayer is stupid from the ordinary common-sense point of view.
We are taken up with active work while people all around are ripe to harvest, and we do not reap one of them, but waste our Lord's time in over-energized activities.
Our Lord calls to no special work: He calls to Himself. “Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest,” and He will engineer circumstances and thrust you out.

My Own Thoughts

Dear Father, I'd only pray tonight that you'd call on my heart and bring me into a right relationship with you. Take away all my thoughts of some grandiose vision that I could be part of and give me the vision of simply living my life for you wherever I am at, and whenever I am there. I don't believe the vision to be bad or wrong, but help me not to place all my hope on some future maybe while I let the current opportunities to share you slip through my fingers. Help me to live the missionary life for you now Lord.

My Utmost - Oct 15, 2009

2009-10-15T23:50:00.002-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1015.html

The Key To The Missionary Message

1 John 2:2
“And He is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.”

Key Passages

“The Lamb of God which taketh away the since of the world!” - that is limitless.
The missionary message is the limitless significance of Jesus Christ as the propitiation for our sins, and a missionary is one who is soaked in that revelation.
The missionary message is not patriotic, it is irrespective of nations and of individuals, it is for the whole world.
When the Holy Ghost comes in He does not consider my predilections, He brings me into union with the Lord Jesus.
A missionary is one who is wedded to the charter of his Lord and Master, he has not to proclaim his own point of view, but to proclaim the Lamb of God.

My Own Thoughts

I want to be soaked in the revelation that is Jesus as the payment for my sins. I want to know my sins. I want to know just exactly what it is that I am saved from, and I want it before my eyes at all times. Honestly I struggle sometimes to see my sinfulness. There are other times that it is at the forefront begging my attention, but sometimes it slips from my conscience and I forget my great need for Savior. I want to be a missionary soaked in the revelation of Jesus Christ giving His life as the great payment for my sins, and I want that message to seep from every pore in my body. I am tired of myself really. I can't do anything right. Even when I am doing things right I quickly realize and forget my need and get prideful. When will I ever not need God? There is no time when that statement will be true. I will always have great need.

My Utmost - Oct 14, 2009

2009-10-14T23:24:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1014.html

The Key To The Missionary

Matthew 28:18-19
“All power is given unto Me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations.”

Key Passages

He does not say the heathen will be lost if we do not go; He simply says - “Go ye therefore and teach all nations.”
If I want to know the universal sovereignty of Christ, I must know him for myself, and how to get alone with Him; I must take time to worship the Being Whose Name I bear.
“Come unto Me” - that is the place to meet Jesus. Are you weary and heavy laden? How many missionaries are! We banish those words of the universal Sovereign of the world to the threshold of an after-meeting; they are the words of Jesus to His disciples.
“Go ye therefore...” Go simply means live. Acts 1:8 is the description how to go. Jesus did not say – Go into Jerusalem and Judea and Samaria, but, “Ye shall be witnesses unto Me” in all these places. He undertakes to establish the goings.
“If ye abide in Me, and My words abide in you...” - that is the way to keep going in our personal lives. Where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings.
“None of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself...” That is how we keep going till we're gone.

My Own Thoughts

As usual, Oswald just has a way of putting these things into words. I might as well have copied the whole chapter today. “Go simply means live”... what a truth to live by. Wherever we are at, at any given moment is where we are a missionary for God. That is where we are to reflect Him. “Come unto Me”... this is said for us now. We are promised rest now, not just in the future. The rest of God is here for us now, if we will come to Him. Just like any good relationship, it is based upon spending time together. You have to soak in the presence and the very essence of what God is like. How do we know what God is like? We look at Jesus... Jesus says “If ye abide in Me, and My words abide in you”... we must soak in His word and abide in it. Live in it. Take as much in as we can. This is a terrible weakness for me. I tend to go to other books first. I can read books about the Bible all day. I can read commentaries and devotionals, and theology or whatever else about the Bible, whenever. But I struggle immensely to simply come to the very Word of God and abide in it. I am a child of our culture for sure. I want the instant gratification of having someone do the hard work for me instead of digging and and finding the truth myself.

Dear Father, I want to abide in you. I want your word to saturate me. Give me a thirst for your presence and your word Lord.

My Utmost - Oct 13, 2009

2009-10-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1013.html

Individual Discouragement And Personal Enlargement

Exodus 2:11
“Moses went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens.”

Key Passages

In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are roughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quiver in and say - “Oh, who am I?”
We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God.
If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.

My Own Thoughts

Dear Father, you know me better than I know myself, and definitely better than I give you credit for. You know what makes me tick. You know what brings me up, and what takes me down. You know the vision I have had because you have given it to me. You also knew I would try to make it happen myself, and ever since I started trying I've been nothing but discouraged. And so I give myself to you Lord, I render my will to be yours and I wait as the silence is tearing me apart and making me into what you want me to be.

My Utmost - Oct 12, 2009

2009-10-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1012.html

Getting Into God's Stride

Genesis 5:24
“Enoch walked with God.”

Key Passages

The test of a man's religious life and character is not what he does in the exceptional moments of life, but what he does in the ordinary times, when there is nothing tremendous or exciting on.
The worth of a man is revealed in his attitude to ordinary things when he is not before the footlights.
It is difficult to get into stride with God, because when we start walking with Him we find He has outstripped us before we have taken three steps.
It was said of Jesus, “He shall not fail nor be discouraged”, because He never worked from His own individual standpoint but always from the standpoint of His Father, and we have to learn to do the same.
God's Spirit alters the atmosphere of our way of looking at things, and things begin to be possible which never were possible before.
Getting into stride with God means nothing less than union with Himself.
It takes a long time to get there, but keep at it. Don't give in because the pain is bad just now, get on with it, and before long you will find you have a new vision and a new purpose.

My Own Thoughts

Dear Father, I want to be on stride with you. You've outstripped me by more than 3 steps thats for sure. I want that new vision and new purpose Lord. Make me into the person you want me to be whether it be in the ordinary times or the exceptional times.

My Utmost - Oct 7, 2009

2009-10-07T23:52:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1007.html

Reconciliation

2 Corinthians 5:21
“For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him.”

Key Passages

Sin is a fundamental relationship; it is not wrong doing, it is wrong being, deliberate and emphatic independence of God.
Other religions deal with sins; the Bible alone deals with sin.
The first thing Jesus Christ faced in men was the heredity of sin, and it is because we have ignored this in our presentation of the Gospel that the message of the Gospel has lost its sting and its blasting power.
The revelation of the Bible is not that Jesus Christ took upon Himself our fleshly sins, but that He took upon Himself the heredity of sin which no man can touch.
… Our Lord bore the sin of the world by identification, not by sympathy.
He deliberately took upon His own shoulders, and bore in His own Person, the whole massed sin of the human race...
A distinction must always be made between the revelation of Redemption and the conscious experience of salvation in a man's life.

My Own Thoughts

This is hard to comprehend, truthfully. The very fact that Christ took on sin, in total, and bore it in His own body. All of the darkness and the complete saturation of every single act of ill will was placed upon His shoulders. From the seemingly most insignificant and sometimes nurtured thought of harm to another person that we sometimes play off as harmless because its just in our heads... to the complete destruction and genocide of a people group. From a quick second glance at an attractive young female to child molestation and sexual slavery. Every form of minor act of sin such as a white lie right down to the darkest and most complete forms of human depravity and brokenness. Christ took the full impact of that within Himself and bore it so that the human race could be made right with God. I find it hard to comprehend. It's not just that He died for us, He did it while feeling the full impact of the judgement of God on sin, and He walked into it knowingly. He knew what was going to happen, and He did it anyway. Simply because He loved us. Could I bare the darkness that Hitler created? That's just one man who was made very public. What about all the complete atrocities that happen all the time in the world that go unnoticed simply because no one is there to hear the voices of the victims. It is amazing to me that God would have anything to do with us.

The real trick for me is to realize that I am no better than Hitler. If a thought is as bad as the deed, then I am right up there with the worst of the worst. I don't think God gets into sin counting though. It's the complete condition that He came to fix, not the individual acts.

Now, the only thing I or anyone else has to do, is to believe that. Difficult to comprehend as it may be that someone could do that.... I believe it. I have to believe it because its the only hope I see for a world that suffers from a debilitating condition of brokenness.

My Utmost - Oct 6, 2009

2009-10-06T20:51:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1006.html

The Bent Of Regeneration

Galations 1:15-16
“When it pleased God... to reveal His Son in me.”

Key Passages

If Jesus is to regenerate me, what is the problem He is up against?
I have a heredity I had no say in; I am not holy, nor likely to be; and if all Jesus Christ can do is to tell me I must be holy, His teaching plants despair.
But if Jesus Christ is a Regenerator, One Who can put into me His own heredity of holiness, then I begin to see what He is driving at when He says that I have to be holy.
The New Testament teaching about regeneration is that when a man is struck by a sense of need, God will put the Holy Spirit into his spirit, and his personal spirit will be energized by the Spirit of the Son of God, “until Christ be formed in you.”
When I reach the frontier of need and know my limitations, Jesus says - “Blessed are you.”

My Own Thoughts

That first question is the key for me right now. I am trying to figure out what it is in me that is holding Jesus back from being able to completely regenerate me. More and more I find it to be a sense of selfishness that has sprung up in me. I have grown accustomed to getting things my way when I want them, and if I don't get what I want I complain about it until I do. I am good at that. I have a sense of entitlement that I am having trouble shaking. A sense of entitlement to myself, my time, my own desires. I want to do what I want to do. What I am being shown increasingly by the Holy Spirit is that I am not my own, but I belong to Him for His purposes. I need to get out of the way and let go of all I am holding onto. Much easier said than done.

Dear Heavenly Father, I praise you for your gentle Spirit pointing out where you need to me to let go. I praise you for the fact that you created me and know me better than I can even know myself. I pray that your will would be done in my life Lord, as you want it done. Help me to let go of myself and to let go of this sense of entitlement. Forgive me for my selfishness Lord. I confess it to you now.

My Utmost - Oct 5, 2009

2009-10-05T22:23:00.002-04:00

I missed a few days I know... it was busy weekend alright. Lay off...

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1005.html

The Bias Of Degeneration

Romans 5:12
“Wherefore as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned.”

Key Passages

The disposition of sin is not immorality and wrong-doing, but the disposition of self-realization – I am my own god.
When our Lord faced men with all the forces of evil in them, and men who were clean living and moral and upright, He did not pay any attention to the moral degradation of the one or to the moral attainment of the other; He looked at something we do not see, viz., the disposition.
The condemnation is not that I am born with a heredity of sin, but if when I realize Jesus Christ came to deliver me from it, I refuse to let Him do so, from that moment I begin to get the seal of damnation.

My Own Thoughts

When I read this passage I think of the woman at the well and the pharisees. The woman when confronted with all she had done wrong was open to being confronted with her wrong and she loved Jesus for showing it to her. She accepted his light being shined into her darkness. The pharisees however, when confronted with their brokenness and darkness did not accept Jesus' light being shined into it. They refused it because they didn't think they needed that. They were their own light. They were their own gods. They needed no God, even one they claimed to follow.

So the next question is which group do I belong to. Am I of the family of the woman at the well, or do I belong with the pharisees?

God I pray you'd give me the heart of the woman at the well, who ached for you to come and shine your light into her darkness. She longed for the revelation of your light in her life. She needed it and clung to it when it came. I want her heart Lord. I want to be broken so that I can be used by you Lord.

My Utmost - Oct 2, 2009

2009-10-03T00:19:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1002.html

The Sphere Of Humiliation

Mark 9:22
“If Thou canst do anything, have compassion on us, and help us.”

Key Passages

After every time of exultation we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they are where it is neither beautiful nor poetic nor thrilling.
The height of the mountain top is measured by the drab drudgery of the valley; but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God.
We see His glory on the mount, but we live for His glory there.
When you were on the mount you could believe anything, but what about that time when you were up against facts in the valley?

My Own Thoughts

I love these readings because they seem to catch me right where I am at. No phrase could sum up my life and this reading better than that third key passage. “We see His glory on the mount, but we live His glory there (in the valley).” Those mountain top moments are great because they captivate us to who God really is and to His amazing power. If all we ever received were the mountain top moments how could we ever be brought to a choice about trusting God or not. He wants us to trust Him and be drawn to Him at all times, not just when its made easy for us. I am right in that valley right now. It seems I am shown more and more each day just how selfishness and self-seeking I am lately. I am really struggling with this sin. It is the one sin that permeates my entire being and leads to all other sins.

Dear Lord and Heavenly Father, you are amazing and I thank you for giving me mountain top moments where I am quite nearly forced to believe in you. I thank you also for the dark moments in the drab valley where I must believe you to survive. I thank for those moments because they make you more real than even the mountain top moments. Forgive me for my selfishness Lord. I have sought only myself and my own comfort. Open my eyes to the needs of those around me. Help me to live in your Kingdom God.

Poetry... It Could Suck, But What Do I Care...

2009-10-03T00:06:00.003-04:00

Rummaging around on my computer and straightening up file folders and what not, I ran across these old bits of poetry that I wrote long, long ago. They could really suck, but oh well. Just thought I would share them for the fun of it. Enjoy...

This Love
--------------------
Decisions are made each new day
some weigh heavier than others
but none sit so heavy
as the decisions we make on who to love
to genuinely love someone
despite their flaws
leaves us more vulnerable and dangerous
than any other time in our lives
love is a dangerous business
on either side of the spectrum
leave yourself open to attack
or crush someone with a word
but I wouldn't have it any other way
because love is more than dangerous
its alive and vibrant and active
and it can save the very soul of a man

much like this love has done for me
exactly as this love has done in me

to be accepted completely
despite the faults I contain
and my problematic temperament
is all that I can ask of no one
but I didn't have to ask of you
there was no working towards your acceptance
no attempts to get in your good graces
you look at me as lost and scattered
looking for the shepherd,
trying to be my own
trying to get back to no-mans land
trying to get back home

much like this love can do for me
exactly as this love has done in me

Time Spent
--------------------
time spent is time fast
and with you it moves quicker
enough can not grant

Marriage
--------------------
sometimes life gets the best of us
and other times we get the best of each other
sometimes we can't get enough
and other times we take too much

Stronghold
--------------------
You are a light on a hill unblemished
before a valley of darkness spreading
never yielding in beauty untarnished
or strength unmatched until time unending
you are my song and thy glory I praise
wild hearted savior, which can't be tamed
brilliant and terrible, shines thy face
both piercing the heart, and raising the shamed
mighty rock on which I will place my feet
the arms that hold me fast despite my fears
the mercy of which my sins match will meet
with thy wounded hand, wipe away my tears
freedom and life as meant to have been told
this is my hearts cry, you are my stronghold

My Utmost - Oct 1, 2009

2009-10-01T19:36:00.002-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/10/1001.html

The Sphere Of Exultation

Mark 9:2
“Jesus leadeth them up into a high mountain apart by themselves.”

Key Passages

We have all had times on the mount, when we have seen things from God's standpoint and have wanted to stay there; but God will never allow us to stay there.
The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend; if we have power to rise only, something is wrong.
It is a great thing to be on the mount with God, but a man only gets there in order that afterwards he may get down among the devil-possessed and lift them up.
We are not built for the mountains and the dawns and aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all.
We are built for the valley...
Spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mount.
The mount is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something.
The moments on the mountain tops are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God's purpose.

My Own Thoughts

I guess I should have just copied the whole reading for today into my key passages section. This reading was great I thought, and really seemed to hit me hard. For quite a while it has seemed as though those mountain top moments were really the only thing keeping me going. I'd get one and be able to survive my daily life for a while, and right when it begins to feel like I am not going to make it God lifts me up and gives me one more of those moments. Those glimpses into who He is and what He is doing.

I've had a really hard time admittedly living in the “demon-possessed” valley for quite some time now. I don't feel like I am lifting anyone up. I think I am spiritually selfish. I've been looking to see what I can get from following God. Not what I can give to others to show them how much God loves them. I think a lot of us do this. We get so wrapped up in finding our own peace, safety, salvation, etc,... that we forget to look after others who need God in their lives. Jesus didn't come here preaching a gospel of self help, and he didn't come here preaching sermons on how to feel good about yourself. He came here and taught on what it means to live in the Kingdom Of God. Living in the Kingdom Of God couldn't be more opposite from living in the kingdom of Rick. Living in the Kingdom Of God involves righting the wrongs that we see day in and day out in the lives of those we come in contact with, and even in the lives of those we don't necessarily coming in contact with. It's not about trying to find peace & comfort, or health & wealth in our own lives. It's about trying to bring those things to those around us, and trusting that someday we may find that God has given us that in return. To live in the Kingdom Of God is to bring it to those in the demon-possessed valley.

Dear Father in Heaven, I praise you Father for being a God who cares about the least of these, and wants us all to live in your Kingdom. I pray that your Kingdom would come down, and that you would use me as a vessel and messenger of that Kingdom. Give me what I need to fulfill this purpose Lord, and only you know fully what it is that I need so I leave that in your hands. Forgive me for living for myself and showing no concern for those I come in contact with. Lead me out of the temptation to follow my own desires and my own heart. Give me the ability to follow your heart for others. This is your world and your kingdom Lord, and all the glory and renown belong to you Lord.

My Utmost - Sept 30, 2009

2009-09-30T23:12:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0930.html

The Commission Of The Call

Colossians 1:24
“Who now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh for His body's sake.”

Key Passages

We make calls out of our own spiritual consecration, but when we get right with God He brushes all these aside, and rivets us with a pain that is terrific to one thing we never dreamed of, and for one radiant moment we see what He is after, and we say - “Here am I, send me.”
This call has nothing to do with personal sanctification, but with being made broken bread and poured out wine.
If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you can not drink grapes.
I wonder what kind of finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you, and you have been like a marble and escaped?

My Own Thoughts

A lot of this one is over my head. Sometimes old Os rights a little too thick for my pea brain to comprehend. But I at least got a few things from it, and the main question I have is exactly that last key point. What area is God working on in my life that I have proven elusive to being crushed in? Where am I not allowing God to work in my life and to change me for His use?

God show me where I am not allowing you to work. Break through my sometimes thick skull Lord and show me where I am not allowing you in. Make me into broken bread and poured out wine for your kingdom Lord.

My Utmost - Sept 29, 2009

2009-09-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0929.html

The Consciousness Of The Call

1 Corinthians 9:16
“For necessity is laid upon me: yea, woe is unto me if I preach not the gospel!”

Key Passages

We are apt to forget the mystical, supernatural touch of God.
The realization of it (the Call Of God) in a man's life may come with a sudden thunder-clap or with a gradual dawning, but in whatever way it comes, it comes with the undercurrent of the supernatural, something that cannot be put into words
At any moment there may break the sudden consciousness of this incalculable, supernatural, surprising call that has taken hold of your life - “I have chosen you.”
If you have been obliterating the great supernatural call of God in your life, take a review of your circumstances and see where God has not been first, …
If you agree with God's purpose He will bring not only your conscious life, but all the deeper regions of your life which you cannot get at, into harmony.

My Own Thoughts

“If you agree with God's purpose He will bring not only your conscious life, but all the deeper regions of your life which you cannot get at, into harmony.”

Dear Father in Heaven, I agree with your purposes. I have heard your voice and feel your call on my life. It is exactly as said here... a supernatural tugging on my heart that I can't deny. I do feel like I've been chosen by you. I want so badly to feel like all things have been pulled into harmony in my life. I know I am covering over your supernatural call at times by putting my own desires first. God, forgive me for putting myself and my desires before you and yours, and send your Spirit to fill me and pry my hands open so that I am not grasping for whatever it is I think I have gotten on my own. Let me hear your voice once again Father. Speak once again to me, to my heart, for its open wide. I am here to hear your beautiful voice.

My Utmost - Sept 28, 2009

2009-09-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0928.html

The “Go” Of Unconditional Identification

Mark 10:21
“One thing thou lackest... come, take up the cross and follow me.”

Key Passages

… He puts absolute annihilation of my right to myself and identification with Himself – a relationship with Himself in which there is no other relationship.
The look of Jesus will mean a heart broken forever from allegiance to any other person or thing.
Where you are “soft” with God is where the Lord has looked at you.
The only “good thing” from Jesus Christ's point of view is union with Himself and nothing in between.
I must reduce myself until I am a mere conscious man, I must fundamentally renounce possessions of all kids, not to save my soul (only one thing saves a man – absolute reliance upon Jesus Christ) – but in order to follow Jesus.

My Own Thoughts

Renouncing possessions is no easy task. I like all the cool stuff I have. Guitars, computers, vehicles, our house.... all my toys. I often question myself if I could easily let go of all the stuff I have if I had to, to follow Jesus. I mean I am following him now, but I question myself on where He ranks somedays. And this doesn't just relate to physical possessions. It relates to immaterial stuff like my self image, the image I portray to others. Do I care more about the reflection of Christ I am being to those around me, than I care about my self image or reputation, or my toys? It's a question I think that needs asking each and every day, and every hour of each day. I think we have to constantly realign our interest and desires so that Christ is constantly at the top.

My Utmost - Sept 27, 2009

2009-09-27T21:59:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0927.html

The “Go” Of Renunciation

Luke 9:57
“Lord, I will follow Thee whithersoever Thou goest.”

Key Passages

Never apologize for your Lord. The words of the Lord hurt and offend until there is nothing left to hurt or offend.
Jesus Christ has not tenderness whatever toward anything that is ultimately going to ruin a man in the service of God.
Our Lord's answers are based not on caprice, but on a knowledge of what is in man.
In a conflict of loyalty, obey Christ at all costs.
When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going.

My Own Thoughts

Not sure what to think about this section. The one question that came to mind while reading... what would Jesus hurt in me to thus make me the person he wants me to be? What is ruining me in his service that he would rip out of me? He knows all that is in me so how would I escape his painful words were he to meet me at the well and ask for something to drink? Would I walk away hurt that he confronted me on my wrongs and never want to see him again, or would I run to the nearest town and tell everyone of the amazing man at the well who just confronted me on every wrong thing I had ever done and straighten my life out to follow him?

I like to think I'd make the choice to follow. I don't think I could make any other choice once confronted by the painful, yet healing words of Christ. Sure they hurt, but you come out on the other side healed. It hurts to set a broken bone back in place, but in the end once healed it comes out stronger than before ( or so I hear ).

Dear Lord, what word would you give me today that would hurt / heal me? Speak into me Lord and destroy anything in me which may cause disloyalty to you. Open my ears to hear you call.

My Utmost - Sept 26, 2009

2009-09-26T23:26:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0926.html

The Unblameable Attitude

Matthew 5:23
“If... thou rememberest that thy brother has ought against thee....”

Key Passages

Never object to the intense sensitiveness of the Spirit of God in you when He is educating you down to the scruple.
The stamp of the saint is that he can waive his own rights and obey the Lord Jesus.
The process is clearly marked. First, the heroic spirit of self-sacrifice, then the sudden checking by the sensitiveness of the Holy Spirit, and the stoppage at the point of conviction, then the way of obedience to the word of God, constructing an unblameable attitude of mind and temper to the one with whom you have been in the wrong; then the glad, simple, unhindered offering of your gift to God.

My Own Thoughts

I've been reading a lot about the Holy Spirit lately, and hearing a lot about it, and feeling like His presence is becoming more real to me. It's been awesome... and its also been exhausting. It seems to be a continuous and constant fight to give up my will and normal way of doing things in exchange for doing things the way of the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to have complete control. He (the Spirit) is always present. An idea that needs to be pounded through my head.

I say this because it's His sensitiveness that I feel impeding in on my natural life as of late. I welcome it because it proves His existence to me. The fact that He is making Himself more present to me is comforting. I am working on the waiving of all my rights to myself and allowing the Spirit complete control. I believe it is work. It is work to train your self to think a certain way. To make yourself not react to certain circumstances in the same exact way you always have, but to take the minute and to give the situation over the Holy Spirit that He may work through you to accomplish what would be the will of God in this particular situation.

Dear Father, continue your pursuit of me. I desire to disappear. I desire that you would become apparent through my life.

My Utmost - Sept 25, 2009

2009-09-26T00:22:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0925.html

The “Go” Of Relationship

Matthew 5:41
“And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.”

Key Passages

The summing up of Our Lord's teaching is that the relationship which He demands is an impossible one unless He has done a supernatural work in us.
No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker, only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself...
… I am here for God to send me where He will.
The Sermon on the Mount is not an ideal, it is a statement of what will happen in me when Jesus Christ has altered my disposition and put in a disposition like His own.
“I have chosen you.” That is the way grace begins. It is a constraint we cannot get away from; we can disobey it, but we cannot generate it.

My Own Thoughts

That first line “The summing up...” is a bit of a relief to me, as well as a point of anxiety. The idea that the life God wants me to live is impossible without Him doing an amazing work in me brings me relief because I think “no wonder this is so hard, I am trying to do it all myself.” At the same time it causes me anxiety because I wonder if God is trying to perform that supernatural act in me that would make the life He desires for me to live a possibility, but I am holding it back somehow. Either consciously, or subconsciously.

I have seen myself crash on so many instances when I got all fired up for God, like I was going to go out there and save the world. The reason I always crash is because I come back down to earth and the realization that the life God wants for me to live is a very difficult life to live... when I am trying to do it myself. I need that supernatural act from God.

I believe God has chosen me. For that I am unbelievably grateful that His grace is enough for me and for my salvation.

Dear Father in Heaven... You are amazing, all sufficient, and graceful. Even to someone like me. Undeserving of your grace and your call on my life. Work your will out through me and around me. Don't let enthusiasm be my downfall, but strengthen me through it and show me how to truly let myself go and allow you to work through me.

My Utmost - Sept 24, 2009

2009-09-26T00:20:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0924.html

The “Go” Of Preparation

Matthew 5:23-24
“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there thou rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”

Key Passages

It is easy to imagine that we will get to a place where we are complete and ready, but preparation is not suddenly accomplished, it is a process steadily maintained.
“First be reconciled to your brother.” The “go” of preparation is to let the word of God scrutinize. The sense of heroic sacrifice is not good enough. The thing the Holy Spirit is detecting in you is the disposition that will never work in His service.
Are you willing to obey your Lord and Master whatever the humiliation to your right to yourself may be?
Never discard a conviction.
You were looking for a great thing to give up. God is telling you of some tiny thing; but at the back of it there lies the central citadel of obstinacy: I will not give up my right to myself – the thing God intends you to give up if ever you are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.

My Own Thoughts

So many places this applies in life. In my marriage its an obvious application. I come to God all the time in prayer and instantly remember some scuffle the wife and I may have just had. We come to it together when we pray together. We usually spend time praying together in the van on the way to work. However, the mornings are usually crazy and hectic getting three kids together for school or ready for daycare. Needless to say, some mornings we get “tense” with each other. That makes for a rough prayer time really. How can we expect to truly connect with God in prayer when we can connect to each other and forgive each other for whatever has come to pass that morning? Or how can we go to prayer together when we are both at our wits ends with the kids? Can we come to our Lord while we are angry with each other or others? “The sense of heroic sacrifice is not good enough.” That line couldn't be more true. I get grandiose visions of being some sort of heroic sacrificial Christian man, but I can't even make simple sacrifice for my family, those closest to me whom I love.

I am as obstinate as any. I get big ideas about how I could be an amazing servant for God, but my follow through is weak because I am at some very deeply rooted level, unwilling to give up my handle on myself, my way, my plans.

Dear Father, I praise you for being a God who loves those undeserving of love. I pray that your will be done in my life, my marriage, in my kids lives and that you'd use me in whatever way you see fit. Provide for us only as you see that we need on any given day. Forgive me Father for my selfishness and unwillingness to let your Spirit have complete control. Lead me Father into the way that you would have me follow, and not the way that I would choose for myself.

My Utmost - Sept 23, 2009

2009-09-23T23:05:00.000-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0923.html

The Missionary's Goal

Luke 18:31
“Behold, we go up to Jerusalem.”

Key Passages

The aim of the missionary is to do God's will, not to be useful, not to win the heathen; he is useful and he does win the heathen, but that is not his aim. His aim is to do the will of his Lord.
Neither gratitude nor ingratitude turned our Lord one hair's breadth away from His purpose to go up to Jerusalem.
“The disciple is not above his Master.” The same things will happen to us on our way to our Jerusalem.
There will be the works of God manifested through us, people will get blessed, and one or two will show gratitude and the rest will show gross ingratitude, but nothing must deflect us from going up to our Jerusalem.

My Own Thoughts

Not a lot to go on tonight because I am pretty tired. Real quick though... a major weakness of mine is the need to have approval and gratitude from people. I struggle with this one all the time and it leads to a lot of my frustration and stress in life. I have a need to know that I am filling some gap somewhere and that I am worth something to someone. What a huge weight off the shoulders though once I get it through my head that I don't have to win approval from anyone. I already have it from the only One that it matters to have it from anyway. I don't have to worry about getting people saved, or living a right life, or being useful. I am all these things already. I need only to do the will of the God.

God show me your will today that I might accomplish it. Whether I am aware that I am accomplishing it or not. Use me in whatever way you see fit Lord.

My Utmost - Sept 22, 2009

2009-09-22T23:47:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0922.html

The Missionary's Master

John 13:13
“Ye call me Master and Lord; and ye say well; for so I am.”

Key Passages

To have a master and to be mastered is not the same thing.
To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the secure sense that He has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind.
Our Lord never enforces obedience; He does not take means to make me do what He wants.
Master and Lord have little place in our vocabulary, we prefer the words Saviour, Sanctifier, Healer.
In the Bible obedience is based on the relationship of equals, that of a son with his father. Our Lord was not God's servant, He was His Son.
He wants us in the relationship in which He is easily Master without our conscious knowledge of it, all we know is that we are His to obey.

My Own Thoughts

I love the way Chambers words the idea of having a master... “To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the secure sense that He has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind.” This whole sentence speaks so deeply to me that its hard to not choke up. My downfall is that I forget I have this master. Somebody who knows me like this. I sit and cry out to know and be known, all the while... I am known.

One piece of imagery that gets to me every time is the image of a father playing with his kids. Picking them up and embracing them, bringing them the sense of security, safety, and love. This idea of a father who knows his children intimately and deeply is something that I strive for myself as a father, it's what I miss about my relationship with my dad, and its what I long for in a very real sense with my heavenly Father. My relationship with my dad was great, and continues to be great. However, I truly miss being picked up by my dad and hugged and completely engulfed in his strength and his love for me. When my dad hugged me I could instantly tell that he loved me completely without condition, and would do anything for me to keep me safe and make it known that he loved me and was proud of me. He was my master as a kid. I want that same thing for my kids. I want that for myself again with my heavenly Father. I know its here for me now, but I can't wait for the day that I actually see and hear and feel His very presence with me in the immediate.

My Utmost - Sept 21, 2009

2009-09-21T23:59:00.001-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0921.html

Missionary Predestinations

Isaiah 49:5
“And now, saith the Lord, that formed me from the womb to be His servant.”

Key Passages

The first thing that happens after we have realized our election to God in Christ Jesus is the destruction of our prejudices and our parochial notions and our patriotisms; we are turned into servants of God's own purpose.
The whole of human race was created to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
Sin has switched the human race onto another track, but it has not altered God's purpose in the tiniest degree, and when we are born again we are brought into the realization of God's great purpose for the human race, viz., I am created for God, He made me.
The first thing God will do with us is to “force through the channels of a single heart” the interests of the whole world. The love of God, the very nature of God, is introduced into us, and the nature of Almighty God is focused on John 3:16 - “God so loved the world...”
We have to maintain our soul open to the fact of God's creative purpose, and not muddle it with our own intentions.

My Own Thoughts

I am created for God and for His purposes. Sounds good to me. Takes a lot of pressure off from me with trying to come up with my own plans. I mean that seriously. How freeing it can be in those “every once in a while” times when I can really let go of all my plans and ambitions and just accept the fact that God has a plan for me. I am His for His eternal glorification, and He is mine for my eternal salvation and life.

My own intentions do get in the way sometimes. Specifically these last couple years I can see it. My trying to make it on my own. God keeps showing me over and over again that all the things that happen in my life, whether good at the time or bad, seem to work themselves out along the path of bringing me to a better understanding of God and a sense of His closeness and realness.

A statement I've made in the past that seems like something too smart sounding to have come out of my mouth... “When I look to the future I can't see God, but when I look at my past I can't deny that He is real and that He has been working.” So what does the future hold? How do I answer that question? I look at my past. I see that God has always been there for me, even in some dark times, and that God has always worked things out and had a grand plan that has brought me to where I am now to be used in the way I am being used now.

My Utmost - Sept 20, 2009

2009-09-20T22:29:00.002-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0920.html

The Divine Rule Of Life

Matthew 5:48
“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

Key Passages

“If we walk in the light as God is in the light,” God will give us communion with people for whom we have no natural affinity.
To be a disciple means that we deliberately identify ourselves with God's interests in other people. “That ye love one another; as I have loved you...”
The expression of Christian character is not good doing, but God-likeness.
God's life in us expresses itself as God's life, not as human life trying to be godly.
The secret of the Christian is that the supernatural is made natural in him by the grace of God, and the experience of this works out in the practical details of life, not in times of communion with God.

My Own Thoughts

“God will give us communion with people for whom we have no natural affinity”... boy thats funny. I was just a family reunion today :) Just kidding. But it brings up a good point and one that I struggle with constantly and I am sure that many of us all struggle with. Communing (hanging out with) people that we would never hang out with naturally. I am not good at this at all. I like to stick to the people that make me comfortable, and when one person who might be a little “off” comes along, I avoid them like the plague, or better yet, I pick up on their weirdness and make fun of them. Maybe not to anyone else other than myself, but even then, I do it. I am a jerk. Nice to meet you.

I need this saving ability of the Holy Spirit to change my perceptions on people. Sometimes I am open to the Spirit and I feel like I can be used anywhere. However other days, I would much rather not interact with anyone I find to be different, than to have to do the hard work of letting go of everything thing I am gripping and letting the Spirit take over.

What a great relief it would be to let the Spirit have control of me. “God's life in us expresses itself as God's life, not as human life trying to be godly.” No more trying. I long for the natural flow of the Holy Spirit through me. Come Spirit, wake me. I've been sleeping.

My Utmost - Sept 19

2009-09-20T00:13:00.002-04:00

Go here first...
http://www.myutmost.org/09/0919.html

Do You Continue To Go With Jesus?

Luke 22:28
“Ye are they which have continued with Me in My temptations.”

Key Passages

We wear His badge, but are we going with Him? “From that time many of His disciples went back and walked no more with Him.”
The temptations of Jesus continued throughout His earthly life, and they will continue throughout the life of the Son of God in us. Are we going with Jesus in the life we are living now?
We have the idea that we ought to shield ourselves from some of the things God brings round us. Never! God engineers circumstances and whatever they may be like we have to see that we face them while abiding continually with Him in His temptations.
Do you continue to go with Jesus? The way lies through Gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp; the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left, only the voice, “Follow Me.”

My Own Thoughts

I think the first point hits me the hardest here. "We wear His badge, but are we going with Him." Kinda conjures up the imagery of the crusades to me. I'm a member of the "God" party, thinking I am doing what He wants, or maybe just doing what I want and saying that it's God who really wants it. Did I stop following Him a long time ago, go home, and now I am just telling my buddies of all the great stories I have with my buddy God? I know this is where I am at quite often. I have been convicted lately of my own attitude, and in my being a part of the church body and family. I quite often think I am just there to get my weekly dosage of God, then I am off to my week with no more change of attitude or life than I had before I got to church. Did I gather there to worship a God whom I say I love, or was I just serving myself? It positions me in the place of being an enemy of the God I like to say I serve. It's a scary thing to say out loud that you are an enemy of God. But that is the position I am putting myself in when I just get in His way. That is my temptation... to float through life comfortably never taking God seriously. Then I wonder why I struggle with feeling loved and validated, and worth anything to anyone. The enemy has me so deceived into serving and looking after myself that I don't even want to look up and around or anywhere away from myself. And when people don't look after me the way I want them to, I think they don't love me. When that somebody else is God, and I think He is ignoring me, I think He doesn't love me. This in spite of me knowing that He loves me much more than I could understand.

So Father forgive me for being a self-centered, self-worshiping individual. God help me to take my eyes off myself and look around at others who may have a need I can be used by you to fill. Forgive me for being your enemy.

My Utmost For His Highest

2009-09-20T00:09:00.003-04:00

This book has been sneaking its way back into my regular daily reading. I had this idea to post each day to a blog post with some key passages from it to share with you all. Oswald Chambers really is a genius and the passages have something for me everyday that I need to hear. Other than the Bible, this book seems to speak to me more than any other ever. Although some CS Lewis books and Dallas Willard are working their way in there as well. Anyway, I don't know that I will actually be faithful in posting each and every days reading because let's be honest, I haven't be loyal in posting anything in quite a while, but I promise to give it a try. So keep your eyes open for the upcoming posts and I hope they work their way into you...

Still Frame Available On Noisetrade Now!

2009-09-15T00:57:00.000-04:00

I uploaded my first album to noisetrade as well, and I threw in a couple of bonus tracks, a couple of those being fun ones we made along the way. Thanks to my buddy Jon Hodge for the "clean" version of Bittersweet End... Check it out... It's free!

Facebook Fan Page

2009-08-22T00:21:00.003-04:00

Hey there... everyone go subscribe to my Facebook Fan Page. It's a way better way to stay on top of whats going on with me. Here is a link to it... and I'll change the link on the side of my current page to point to this fan page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rick-Hopkins/54915689053

By the way, if you go there now there is a couple of brand new songs to listen to and comment on. The recordings are really bad because I did them myself and I am no studio technician, but hopefully soon we'll get some better recordings up there for you all to hear.

Get out to one of my upcoming shows. I miss you all.

Do You Feel That Or Is It Just Me?

2009-07-05T23:26:00.011-04:00

Over the last year or so I have had this strange ache in me that seems to be getting stronger and stronger as of late. It's not a medical issue. It's an ache in my chest that's not there because I lack proper nutrition or exercise, although those are both true. It's a longing. This longing is only made more thick and terrible because I get a gut feeling that its fulfillment is right around the corner, but I have no idea how or when it will hit exactly.

When you look around at the world, the world immediately around you and in a bigger sense the world you see on tv or in the newspapers or even tabloids, does it feel like we're hurdling towards something to you? Does it feel like there is some shift that is about to take place? Does seeing the world around you make you wish that shift would happen as soon as possible?

I have had multiple conversations with friends over the past year about life and our surroundings and the spiritual environment that we have bred here in our country and in particular here in west Michigan. Have we lulled ourselves to sleep? Where is our conviction of belief? Where is our excitement and joy in talking about a God that we say we love? Why are we so content being so damned comfortable? I confess I am in that crowd. I lead worship just about every other week and I will confess right now that I get up there and sing some days with no joy or real belief behind the words I am singing. It hit me this morning as I was driving to church to lead worship that I was getting ready to sing songs to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, and the only thing I could think of was whether or not to stop at Starbucks and grab a chai. This God I say that I love and want to follow, but I do it so flippantly. I treat my God like a fast food happy meal. I walk in, consume what I can of God real quick, and take off for home with little thought of what was just taken in or how to share it with others. It got me through the morning and may help me through a couple days, but my thoughts will quickly fade from that. Are you in that group with me? I think the group is large and growing by the day. One friend of mine refers to west Michigan as the church of Sardis in Revelation 3 ...
"I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead."

However, back to the ache. Something has been tearing me away from that group for that last year or so. I can only describe it as a sense of feeling that things are not right. That things should not be the way they are. That the way I am looking at things is broken. My faith is broken. The world around me is broken. I am broken. I've put God in a box made for my own comfort and now he's blowing the top off of it. So also over the last year, it seems like I have been under a restructuring. Not of my own doing. But most definitely of the Holy Spirit. He seems to be crushing some things and clearing them out so as to make room for Him to come in and kick His feet up for a while. And I say all this because I don't think I am the only one that feels like the Holy Spirit is about wash over them. I think that my faith in God is becoming more real, more tangible, and even more visible than it has ever been, and its scaring me to be honest with you. It'd be like if when you were a kid you stayed up late hoping to see Santa Claus on Christmas not really believing he was going to show his face, and then out of nowhere a big fat guy in a red jumper came flying down your chimney and chewed you out for doubting that he'd show up, then ate all your cookies because that's just what he does, slapped you on the back and said "go back to sleep, you knew I was here all along stupid.". It'd probably freak you out a little right? Ok that was a weird example, but the point is there. This "Holy Spirit" that I have always felt weird talking about to be honest with you because of my baptist upbringing seems more real to me than ever. I can feel Him when I breathe. I can hear Him in the music I am listening to. I can see Him in the night sky I gaze into while walking around the small town of Saranac at 10:30pm. He's here and He's real. He's showing me where I've been wrong, and He's pointing me down the right paths. He's gunning for me in a big way it seems, and I want it more than ever. I want a real understanding of God and how to relate to Him, how to live the way He wants me to live, and how to take Him at His word. I don't believe I am the only one that feels this way.

So long blog entry short... I can feel a movement starting. I believe the Holy Spirit is real and He's coming to do something in me, and even now its begun. I believe I am a part of a bigger movement that is going to happen, and soon. The rest of the details I will fill you in on when I get them.

I Won!!! Woohoo!

2009-06-21T22:22:00.003-04:00

Quick update... I won the Big Ticket Festival indie stage battle of the bands on Saturday! We were up first that day at 11am and we benefited from some rainy weather outside because we were inside a building... We rocked the house, had a GREAT crowd that seemed to be loving every minute of it. To them I say a big thank you for your support and votes. The prize for winning the indie stage is that next year at the Big Ticket Festival I get to play the main stage! So next year I'll be sharing a stage with some of the biggest bands in Christian music. I can not wait. I am hoping for a big year ahead of me! I can't wait to see where God is taking me on this journey. He is an awesome God who's love and blessings I don't deserve.
I hope to see as many of you as possible out at BTF next year! I can't wait!

Nearer My God To Thee

2009-05-10T23:11:00.008-04:00

Today was Mother's day. I got to spend basically the whole day with my wife and kids doing what the wife wanted to do, which was to have lunch on the lawn outside our church, go to Fredrick Meijer Gardens and out for ice cream. While we were together, other than the moments where I had to get after my kids, I felt an overwhelming sense of fullness. I have a beautiful wife who is a great mother, I have 3 healthy, beautiful and hilarious kids, and I am provided for and blessed beyond my worth by a God who loves me more than I deserve. It kept taking me back to the longing. That sensation of being stabbed repeatedly in the chest because everything is so great, but there's still just not that completeness. Something is missing. I know instantly what it is. It's that this time can't last forever. It's that our time is limited. It's that tomorrow I am going to wake up and go to work, and be back in the routine.

After we came home today I went out to mow the lawn and I was listening to some music. A song came on that I decided to be put on repeat until further notice. I haven't stopped listening to it yet today. It's on repeat right now. The song is "Nearer My God To Thee". Fernando Ortega happens to be the artist on this version, and its only piano. No vocals, no other instruments. Something about the way he plays it captures the ache perfectly for me. The song completely engulfs all that longing and desire I have for things to be made right and complete. I decided to look up the lyrics because I'm not sure I had ever sung the song or heard the lyrics other than when I heard it played on the movie Titanic, which yes I watched in the movie theater on more than one occasion when it came out. I am not going to admit to how many times I saw it at the movie theater, but just know it was more than 2. Anyway, here are a few lyrics...

-----
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
yet in my dreams I'd be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
all that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
angels to beckon me
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise,
out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
so by my woes to be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky,
sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
-----

The first verse seems to reference Christ, and the rest seems to reference a story about Jacob from Genesis 28. Not sure of it but that's how it appears when you just read it. However, when I let the lyrics sink into me, they seem to mean much more.

The second verse captures the restlessness for me of life. The feeling of my wandering heart straying away so much from a God who loves me. Yet every once in a while in my dreams or in watching my kids play, or just waking up next to my wife, I feel that nearness. I sense God in that moment. Then the stab of ache when I know the time can't last. But for a second I feel the nearness of God.

The third verse helps me to feel the nearness of God in the blessings I have been given. Again, watching my kids and playing with them, being with my wife on a perfect day, being in front of people to sing and praise the God I love and believe in, or being able to just sing/write/play music and do what I feel God made me to do. He is beckoning and calling to me in all this.

The fourth verse is a killer for me. All these great things that happen and the perfect moments I get with my family, or the highs the come from singing and leading worship or doing a show and being able to share my heart with people, all these mountain top moments will sometimes only seem to show me that they are temporary. Then the ache hits. The depression hits me. I have a choice. I can sit and wallow in the absence of that moment, or I can take that moment and realize that God is in it. That He gave me that moment so I'd know He is there, and want more of Him. "So by my woes to be, nearer my God to thee."

All that is to say, I welcome the ache now. That pain is the welcome sign of the presence of God in my life. I am grateful for that. Happy Mother's day to all the mothers. Especially the mother of my children. I love you.

New Music Player

2009-03-24T08:13:00.004-04:00

Hey guys, one real quick thing for you. I have updated the Listen page. It now opens up a music player that contains all of my own music from both my albums. It also has an album I did with my former rock band RedHandRevolt for those of you looking for something a little heavier and louder. Finally it has an album called Kingdom Coming Down that was put together by the church I attend, Ada Bible Church. I was lucky enough to get to play on a few of the songs, but you'll also get to hear a whole bunch of my friends from church rocking out to some original praise tunes we wrote.
Hope you guys enjoy all the music, and hopefully this player works better than the last one which was pretty buggy. Let me know if you have any problems. Later...

Some Quick Updates

2009-03-16T23:04:00.004-04:00

Hey everybody.... remember me? Rick Hopkins... that guy who use to play music and write stuff. No? Don't remember? How about this... "Lift Up Your Eyes O Israel"... remember? No. Got nothing? Ok, well anyway, I have a few quick updates for you.

First off, I played in the Big Ticket Tour battle of the bands in Grand Rapids, MI on Feb 28. The band and I rocked it out and got into the top 3 bands which basically earned us a spot to play at the Big Ticket Festival in Gaylord, MI on June 18, 19, & 20. I am not sure which day we'll play just yet, but I'll keep you posted. If you want to get tickets to the festival check out their website at http://www.bigticketfestival.com/.

Secondly, on May 16, 2009 I am opening for Warren Barfield at Arcadia Creek Festival Place in Kalamazoo. This should be a pretty good show and I am very excited for it. Check out the shows link for more information. If you have never heard of Warren Barfield, he sings the song "Love Is Not A Fight" which was on the soundtrack of the movie "Fireproof" which came out recently.

Thirdly, I am now working with the company Dreamlight Entertainment. Dreamlight was started by George Moss, a WayFM dj and local artist himself. They will be handling booking shows and all sorts of other functions for me, which is awesome because I honestly don't know what I am doing myself. Their help is very welcome. To contact them for booking or whatever else get ahold of Greg Rios at greg@dreamlightent.com .

Finally, I really hope to get to work on writing some new stuff soon, but the inspiration isn't coming as fast as I would like. I have been super busy with family, work, and P90X lately. For questions about what P90X is... just imagine the most intense workout you have ever done, then multiply it by impossibility to the power of infinity. Its that difficult of a workout. I am in the 4th week. Only about 66 more days to go. Ugh. Hopefully it will be worth it when I am done. I'll post the before and after pictures if they are worth looking at, and they don't make you feel weird. Also I hope to get back into blogging some real soon. It's been a long time and I need the therapy of getting some stuff off my chest. Look for that soon.

Ok, talk to you all later. Contact me with anything you have for me. Later.

Sleeper

2009-02-11T22:03:00.005-05:00

When I was thinking of an album title for my latest album I came up with this phrase that everyone seemed to think was too long, but I felt captured the theme behind all the songs perfectly. The theme that came into my head was "Where We Are And Where We Long To Be". This phrase swirled around in my head for a little while and later became the opening line of the song "Sleeper" which is the first full song on the album. Here are the lyrics to that whole song...

-----
Where we are and where we long to be
has me dying for all to be complete
setting my hopes high
i find i can breathe
look to the east
the rising begins in me

so wait, the dawns approaching the day
and the One who sleeps will come awake
at long last, never less than near

Where we are is all my eyes can see
but my heart knows where I long to be
setting my hopes high
i find i can breathe
with eyes to the east
i feel the rising

come awake Great Sleeper
come awake all sleepers
-----

This song has been interpreted a few ways and a couple of them I almost like better than what I originally intended. Just one of the beauties of music is that many people can listen to the same song and take different things from it.

When I wrote this song, that theme was running thick in my mind. I can easily look around this world and see a whole load of brokenness and think "where is God?" It can sometimes feel like He is sleeping. This song to me became a symbolic begging of the "Great Sleeper" to come awake and make things right.

This song also references myself and many others as the "sleepers". Quite often in my relationship with God, I feel like I am sleeping, or like I am a member of that lukewarm church mentioned in Revelation that God is about to spit out because they are neither hot nor cold. Just kind of going through the motions, but all the while I might as well be asleep. So its a call to myself and all those like me to wake up.

There's all sorts of other ideas and influences running through the lyrics, but thats really the basis of the song. Like I said earlier other people have interpreted it in different ways which is awesome. One in particular is found here... http://sola5guy.blogspot.com/2009/01/go-get-this-cd-now.html.

So what do you think? What does the song say to you? I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Lyrics To Where We Are And Where We Long To Be

2009-02-02T23:20:00.008-05:00

I have finally pieced together all the lyrics to the new album in one pdf. You can get them by clicking here. I've had quite a few requests for the lyrics so I hope you guys enjoy. It doesn't involve guitar chords or song explanations or anything like that. I am hoping to at some point find an artist who feels like doing a project, give them the lyrics and some imagery ideas, and let them piece together a graphic novel. That would be sweet so if you are that person please contact me :) In the meantime here are the lyrics. Hope you enjoy!

WWAAWWLTB On iTunes!

2009-01-19T12:02:00.005-05:00

Just a quick one here... Where We Are And Where We Long To Be is now available through everyone's favorite music store, iTunes. Just do a search for "Rick Hopkins" in the iTunes store, or click this link here... http://www.itunes.com/rickhopkins. Keep in mind you can also get it for free from NoiseTrade at http://www.noisetrade.com/rickhopkins. Hope you're all enjoying it.

I am hoping to start lining up some shows again so if you want me to come play where you are contact me through my contact page... http://rickhopkins.com/contact/. Alright. Later.

Joy

2009-01-14T23:25:00.010-05:00

I read a lot of CS Lewis books. Most of the time I will read them a couple times just because they are thick and I struggle to wrap my stupid head around what he is trying to say. Lately I have been reading the book "Surprised By Joy" which is basically a kind of auto biography. In it he gives his own definition of the word "joy"... and I think its awesome. Here is what he says...

"... it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."

He goes on to describe experiences where he experienced real Joy and it was taken from him very quickly leaving him wanting it more than anything. These experiences would in some way give him a glimpse at the eternal and he wanted it. He saw for an instant that there was more out there, that there was something calling out to him that made him feel complete.

If I apply that definition of Joy to my life, then by golly, I am the most joyous person in the world. It seems that lately I have had an all encompassing desire for that fulfillment, that completion. I feel like my name is being screamed out, and I am unable to see who is doing the screaming. I know who it is, but I can't see Him and its killing me. Those moments of Joy come to me like someone with a knife stabbing me over and over.

When I play with my kids and witness their complete innocence and the joy they have at just spending time with their father. Stab...
When my wife, my bride, reminds me of why I love her with her gentle spirit calming me after a day of stress, tension, and depression. Stab...
When I am able to get up in front of people to sing and play the songs I was given to sing, and do what I feel made to do. Stab...
When I am able to get together with my parents and sisters and all their husbands and kids, my cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles and whoever else, and just spend time laughing and enjoying each others company. Stab...
When I am hanging out with friends drinking beer and eating way too much food and just enjoying the conversation, cracking jokes, and feeling absolutely no stress. Stab...
When I step outside at night and just look up to star gaze and watch the night sky slowly rotate around us here on this tiny planet. The immensity of it all. Stab...

I think the one that hurts the most is when I come home from work and inevitably my little girl Grace, and sometimes my boys as well, will greet me at the door and scream "DADDY!!!" then give me a great big hug. It just makes me ache all over. I wish all the time we had together could be as happy as that moment. It only lasts a second, but it reflects eternity.

I guess I say all this because lately I just feel defeated. I have absolutely no self control. I am the most out of shape I have ever been, I am just as angry as ever, still struggle with depression, still just feel like a complete loser of a dad and husband in general. Joy is killing me. Those few moments I get that bring that Joy, that ache, are severe and they seem to accentuate my brokenness and need. But God please don't let the moments of Joy stop. What would I do without those to remind me that there is Someone there calling my name? Those moments make me want to be a better person. They make me want to be the person that God designed me to be. To live the life that Jesus came and lived and prescribed for me to live.

Joy, in this sense, leads to my hope. Hope leads me to faith. Faith leads me to God. God leads me home to where all Joy is made complete.

A Sweet Deal...

2009-01-01T17:05:00.003-05:00

Hey there guys, quick note. You can now get my entire new album for free by telling some friends, or you can pay me whatever you want. Pretty sweet deal. This is provided by a website that I have loved for quite a while called NoiseTrade. NoiseTrade was created by Derek Webb (who is one of my favorite musicians ever) and some of his buddies. You can click here and get to my noisetrade widget. I have am also going to be adding it to my site here pretty quick. Probably in the right pane area somewhere. Enjoy!

WWAAWWLTB Is Here!!!

2008-12-13T09:49:00.004-05:00

(WWAAWWLTB = Where We Are And Where We Long To Be.)

Alright, so finally I can say that the cd is in my hands all packaged and pretty and ready the holiday season! It came in on Thursday so if you pre-ordered it my wife and I have been working to get those all sent out and you should be receiving them shortly. If you would like to purchase it you can do so by coming to my site, rolling over the image of the new cd on the right side and clicking purchase. The price is $10 now and will take you through a paypal checkout process. It's very simple and in no time flat you'll have your very own copy of my latest work.

I gotta say thank you to everyone who gave me money to get it done. The final product weighed in at about $1900 and conveniently enough I brought in about $1900 in gifts and pre-orders to pay for it. The wife and I didn't have to put up much of our own money to pay for the cd which is great because we have very little extra money floating around these days.

I also gotta say thanks to Andy Ferris for the many hours he put into mixing and perfecting the sound, and to JJ Clark, Mark Lago, Mitch Mallard, and Kristen Lambert for adding some instrumentation to it. You guys are awesome!

So right now the cd is available through my site, and through Baker Book House in Grand Rapids, MI. However I am trying to find some way to get it distributed so that it will be available in more places. Also within a few weeks it should be available on iTunes. You can actually already get to my songs from Still Frame on iTunes by clicking the iTunes link on the right side of my site.

So if you know anyone, or are someone who can help me with distribution, I would greatly appreciate anything you have to offer. I am pretty small time right now and not a whole lot of people have heard of me or my music. My goal really is just that the music would be heard by lots of people and that it would hopefully minister to them in some way. Whether I am making lots of money or not, while it would be nice, is not that important in the big scheme of things. God had provided for all my needs and given me some amazing opportunities to be used by Him to accomplish what He wants, and thats all I really care about right now. I just want to be used by Him to do what He wants me to.

So there we go. New cd. Out now. Hope you like it.

It's Almost Here...

2008-12-01T10:05:00.002-05:00

The new cd is in duplication and will be available very soon. I went through a company called Oasis CD for the duplication. Their website is telling me I should have it in hand around December 12! I am super pumped to get it out to all of you that want it and have pre-ordered it (thank for that by the way, you helped pay for its completion :). In the meantime, I have uploaded all the songs to my site so that you can listen to them. If you rollover top of the new album image you should see a link to listen and it will load all the new songs. Take a listen and let me know what you think. The album is also still available for pre-order which allows you to get it for $5. Pretty cheap right? Once the album is out the price goes up to $10 so get it cheap while you can.

...And for all you blog readers, the few, the proud... or maybe not so proud, I promise to blog again soon. I am one of those types where I can only write about stuff when I feel I have something to say... so... yeah, nothing to say right now :) Hope you all enjoy the new songs.

Rick Hopkins + iTunes = It's About Time

2008-11-06T22:40:00.002-05:00

I finally have managed to get my first cd "Still Frame" on the iTunes store. It only took me 2 years. So get there and check it out just click the iTunes link on the right side, or click here. All this just in time for the holiday shopping season. Now hopefully the new cd is done shortly and you can purchase that as well...

Quick Update

2008-11-06T00:43:00.003-05:00

I feel like I am leaving you all in the dark. The new cd is getting very near completion. We are working on final mixing right now, and will hopefully be sending it off for mastering very shortly. After that is off to duplication, which is looking like about a 16 day turn around. So I am guessing the cd will be available early on in December. Not quite as soon as I would like, but hopefully you will all think its worth the wait once you hear it.

There are about 5 tracks that I haven't uploaded to the site yet. Two of those are new songs entitled "Sleeper" and "Gate Called Beautiful". I think musically and lyrically these 2 songs have come together to be my favorites. I can't wait for you guys to hear them.

Also, I need to thank about 50 - 60 of Ada Bible Church's finest Studio attenders. They came up last Sunday and chipped in on finishing our recording of Lord Most High. Now I have an actual congregation singing along with me in the song. It sounds awesome, and they sang their throats out. It was a great time and I hope to get that new version posted up here pretty soon. Virb, my music host, is having some problems lately so we'll see how that goes.

God has been very good to me with this album. He has provided me with the financial means to get it done, he has called the best musicians I have ever played with to play along side me, and he has given me all of you. You continually send me emails of encouragement, prayer and support. I can't thank you all enough. I don't know if this cd will go anywhere past you, but I hope there is at least something in it that will speak to you. I'll keep you all posted on the process being made...

Side By Side

2008-10-27T23:01:00.007-04:00

We recently got pictures snapped of our youngest boy Jack when he turned 2. Thought you may enjoy a side by side comparison.

I apologize for not keeping this blog up to date as much as I had originally intended. I want to thank all the people who have responded to me and said how much the blog entries mean to them. It means a lot to me that they are helping people.

Life is such a crazy thing, how it takes you on the ups and downs so quickly. Yesterday I was invited to play at a church in Eureka, Michigan. They basically had me play during what would be their normal Sunday morning services. I was able to do my normal show thing where I get up there and explain my songs and what I was thinking when I wrote them and how they came about, then play them for the crowd. The congregation was completely engaged in the experience with me. It was awesome! I think its amazing how God can take all these experiences I have had, filter them through me onto paper, slap a melody in my head and move people through the songs. It was one of the moments in life when it feels like everything was clicking and I was exactly where I needed to be. Then I woke up this morning to go back to my desk job. To sit silently, talk to basically no one, and program web applications all day. That transition is getting more and more difficult for me to make. From the huge spiritual high weekends, to the sit and stare weekdays. From every part of my body rejoicing in being able to do what I feel God made me to do, to every part of my body aching because I am sitting at a desk with a lousy chair, and my arms, wrists, and fingers hurt from repetitive typing and coding and error checking, and testing, and etc and etc... But that is a transition that a lot of people make, and I think its why God made weekends and Sabbaths. If I did not have that outlet and time away from the daily drudgery I am fairly certain I would go completely awol.

I have had lots of people tell me that my life is a mirror to theirs, that they share the same fears, anxieties, and struggles that I do, and that it helps them to hear someone else say it. Well I say it often, so I hope it helps... One quote from Oswald Chambers that has meant a lot to me...

"Are we refusing to enter the domain of drudgery? Drudgery is the touchstone of character. It is a 'drudging' thing to be virtuous.

The greatest hindrance of our spiritual life lies in looking for big things to do; Jesus Christ 'took a towel.....' We are not meant to be illuminated versions; we are meant to be the common stuff of ordinary human life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God. The snare in the Christian life is looking for the gilt-edge moments, the thrilling times; there are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, when God's angel is the routine of drudgery on the level of towels and washing feet. Are we prepared to 'get a move on' there? Routine is God's way of saving us between moments of inspiration. We are not to expect Him to give us His thrilling minutes always.

The secret of bringing forth fruit is to abide in Jesus. 'Abide in Me,' says Jesus, in spiritual matters, in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is. Beware of putting on your religious 'blinkers' - 'I can live finely in this type of meeting, or with that particular set.' The Christian life is not a bandbox life. We must live where we can be tested by the whole of life. Are we preventing God from doing things in our circumstances because we imagine it will hinder our communion with Him? .....Our Lord and Master never chose His own circumstances, He was meek towards His Father's dispensation for Him; He was at home with His Father wherever His body was placed.

We have to learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God, and to learn to abide in Him where we are placed."

New Website...

2008-10-19T20:21:00.001-04:00

Hey there, I have a new website finally! I have been working on it for a while now and I am very excited to have it done. Being a web designer / programmer and all I figured I should have a site that I actually made.

You can now pre-order my new cd entitled Where We Are And Where We Long To Be. I just finished recording all my parts and it is in the mixing process now. I am very excited to get it done, and I am hoping to have it available within the month or so. $5 gets you a copy of the cd if you pre-order it. You can do that by rolling over the album image in the right pane and clicking the purchase link. If you feel like sending me some cash towards getting it duplicated I would really appreciate any help. Shoot me an email in the contact page to ask me where to send it to.

Also take note, this blog is going to be functioning as my news and my blog entries. I am importing them into my new site from here. So you'll be able to read them there and there will be links for making comments and all that.

So anyway, check it out every so often to see if its up yet. Should be soon.

My Part In Loss

2008-09-28T00:41:00.010-04:00

I had a pretty intense experience a couple weeks back. On Saturday, August 30th, a young 27 year old guy by the name of Bryan McQueen was driving his motorcycle down 131 in Grand Rapids when he lost control and was killed. I did not know Bryan at all. He however knew me, or at least knew me for my music. The week after he died his family, through various channels, was attempting to connect with me anyway they could. They wanted me to come and play at Bryan's funeral. Bryan had apparently shared with his family how much he enjoyed my album Still Frame and liked my music. I received about 3 phone calls from his family, an email from a pastor involved with the funeral ceremony, and a couple other calls from people related to the family. The message to me was loud and clear that it would really mean a lot to this family if I could come and sing at the funeral. I felt an incredible sense of humility to know that this family would choose to involve me in the ceremony to remember their son, grandson, brother, friend, fiancee, war veteren. There was a sense welling up in me that this was one of those moments I had always hoped God would use me and my music for. To minister to people who were hurting incredibly. I agreed to play and walked into the church quietly and alone on Sept 6 to get ready to play the 3 songs they had asked me to play, Be Thou My Vision, Free Lands, and Lift Up Your Eyes. I got sat up and ran through my songs as practice and sound check. As I was practicing Lift Up Your Eyes I could see someone out of the corner of my eye watching and listening to me. Afterwards this person came up and spoke to me briefly. It was Bryan's mother. She thanked me through her tears for being willing to come and play, and I was speechless. I really had no idea what to say to this woman who just lost her son. A little while later she came back again, this time with Bryan's dad, and fiancee. To say the moment was extremely intense and emotional would be a pretty big understatement. They thanked me again and did their best to smile and greet me. Then they walked away to talk to more family and grieve. The church where the funeral was being held was completely packed. I am guessing a few hundred people attended. The sadness in the room was just completely overwhelming. I got up to play my songs about half way through the service, and I marvel at the fact now that I got through them without breaking down myself even though I didn't know Bryan. There was sadness and despair, intermingled with hope, faith, and love. It was intense to say the least.

I had to leave right after I finished my songs because I had another show I was supposed to be at right away. I never got a chance to talk to anyone else at the funeral afterwards. I walked out feeling like I had lost someone. Like he was my friend, my brother. It was the same feeling I had leaving every other funeral I have ever been to. A sense of being powerless, incapable, incomplete. I have heard people say, "everyone dies, its a natural part of life". I don't care what anyone says, death is not a natural part of life. Death is the antithesis of life. It's the complete and utter opposite. It is the void. We were not made to die. We were made to have life and have it to the full.

I was unbelievably honored, and humbled to be a part of the funeral. I can't think of a way that God could more directly use me and my music to minister to people. It put all my prior cares about music to rest. If I was only ever given the ability to sing and play guitar so that I could be a part of that service, or other services like it, then so be it. However, if that was my only business, then I can't wait for the day that my business dries up.

If you could, keep Bryan's family, fiancee, and friends in your prayers, as they mourn and groan over the loss of their loved one, just as creation mourns and groans in longing for restoration and new life.

What Hoping For The Wrong Things Has Taught Me

2008-08-27T22:58:00.006-04:00

The past couple months have been interesting to say the least. God very visibly showed me something about myself. I can remember the night before the song got on the radio. I was at a restaurant with a friend of mine enjoying some beer and buffalo wings, talking about God and what He was doing in our lives and what we desired in our relationship with Him. That night on my way home my prayer was that God would be more real to me. That He would show Himself to me, and use me in other peoples lives through my music, through my work, my attitude, whatever means He deemed necessary. The very next day the song was played on the radio, and all those prayers got answered very clearly. God was using me to affect other peoples lives. He very clearly came out of the slumber He seemed to be in and used me in a great way. I however forgot my prayer from the night before.
Very quickly my desire changed from wanting to affect other peoples lives, to "how can I use this to get me out of my current position in life". How can I use it to deliver myself from the ho-hum of everyday life that seemed to be sapping me dry. I forgot about my desires to affect other peoples lives. In classic "Rick" fashion, I focused on myself.
God didn't stop using me in other peoples lives, I just was not paying attention to it. My hopes and prayers were being fulfilled before my eyes, but I had them shut. I feel a need to apologize to all those out there who think of me as some super spiritual holy man. I am nothing of the sorts. I am a broken individual, as broken as anyone else. Thank God for grace for without it I am without hope.
To all of you who sent me emails saying how much my music has meant to you, I can't thank you enough. I hope to keep writing music that helps you through whatever you are dealing with. I am open God to be used again. Help me not to make it about me, cause its never about me. I have gotten myself nowhere, and will continue to go nowhere as long as I try to get myself somewhere. You are my God, and I long for you Lord. I long to be near you. I long to be free from this nagging need for recognition and fulfillment from all the wrong things. Be real again to me, and help me to keep my eyes open to your moving.

How Going To Cornerstone University Changed My Life (this is not a plug)

2008-07-24T23:45:00.005-04:00

Lately I have been reminded over and over again of a decision I made in 1997. I had just graduated from high school, I was newly engaged to my then girlfriend Nicole Barrett, and I was all set to go to Cornerstone University to further my education. There was only one small problem. I had no money. My parents weren't particularly well off, but they were helping as much as possible, and Cornerstone was really, really expensive. So I made a very difficult decision. I decided not to go to Cornerstone.
I had to tell this to Nicole, which very nearly ended our relationship because we had both been planning to go to Cornerstone for quite some time and she was very excited about the prospect of us being together more often and going to the same school. Oh yeah, did I mention that I decided to break this news to her the day before we left for college. My timing was impeccable.
On the day we were both supposed to leave for college I decided to go along with Nicole. Mainly to see her off, but also to tell the student development I had decided not to go because I didn't have enough money. The response I got kinda shocked me. When I told Josh Williams, the head student development guy, that I wasn't coming he said, "What if we could get you more money?" I responded by saying that it would really have to be a lot of money. In the ball park of $5000 dollars. He said to stay right where I was at... he'd be right back. He came back about 20 minutes later with the money I needed to make going to Cornerstone a possibility. I changed my decision.
I can only conclude that God orchestrated that whole scenario. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, about my life right now would be the way it is if God had not gotten me that extra money to go to college there. I would not be married to Nicole because there is no way we could have survived that whole issue and stayed together. Thus I wouldn't have the 3 beautiful children I have now.
I wouldn't have the job I have that supports my whole family and allows us to live and level of comfort that I don't deserve. Especially in a failing economy. Especially when I know lots of people struggling financially who don't deserve to be.
I wouldn't have met all the people that I now call my best friends, and who have impacted, influenced, and encouraged me to become who I am. I wouldn't have stayed involved with music because it was my friends who encouraged and brought that out of me.
I wouldn't have searched all around Grand Rapids for a vibrant church to attend that would offer the opportunities for growth and development that Ada Bible Church has given me. Ada has an amazing worship team that has been a huge impact on me musically, and with the growth that Ada experienced at the time the opportunity opened up for me to start leading worship. If I hadn't started singing and leading worship, I would never have had the guts to start writing and performing my own songs.
If I hadn't started writing and performing my own stuff, nothing that has happened in the last few months would have happened. That decision to go to Cornerstone after God provided a means of getting there set so many things in motion for me that to try and lay it all out here would take way too long and no one would want to stick around and read it all.
One decision, that at the time just seemed like a cool blessing because I got to go to the college I wanted to go to, turned into a decision that completely changed who I am.
It's hard for me to see God moving in my future because it hasn't happened yet. I have no idea what He is going to do. All I know is that I can trust Him for my future because I can look at my past and see the amazing things He did for me. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Certainly doesn't take away the anxiousness to know whats next though.
I can only assume that if I hadn't gone to Cornerstone, I would still be living in my parents basement, drinking a lot of beer, listening to a lot of Metallica, and probably still working the grill at Wendy's. Actually I still do those last three... hmm, well I don't live in my parents basement anyway so thats good. And really, after the St. Anger album, who listens to Metallica? If you held on to Metallica long enough to hear that album, you let go immediately upon hearing it. And don't get all hung up on the drinking beer part... the one thing I couldn't hear enough of at Cornerstone was discernment. I know when to stop. Finally, I don't specifically work the grill at Wendy's anymore, but I do work a mean grill at home with all the training I got from Wendy's. Thank you Wendy. Thank you.

Struggling

2008-06-24T23:19:00.006-04:00

For a while now, I have struggled with some depression. It's that kind where you can't really put a finger on what's wrong, you just know that something isn't right. For whatever reason, the things that should bring you joy don't and its a struggle to get through a day without feeling like you had wasted it completely on meaningless tasks. Whenever I get into this state of mind, I find myself staying up very late basically to avoid going to sleep and just having to do the same day over again. Does anyone else fall in this hole? The walls of the hole seem so steep that you feel like you will never be able to climb out. Over the last year I have started to be able to identify when this depression is settling in on me. The common denominator seems to be my current job. I say that knowing that some people from work may be reading this. I haven't shied away from honesty in the past and I won't start now.
My main duty at work is to be a web application developer. It's really a great job, with a great company, a great boss, and fair pay. I can't complain about any of that. What makes my heart ache is the day in, day out, same old routine of going to my desk and programming for a day, then back home, get a couple hours with the kids and wife, dink around on the computer for a while, back to bed and up in the morning to start the whole thing over again. I have this overwhelming desire to be having some sort of impact on peoples lives, but in sitting at my desk 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, I feel like I have very little impact on those around me for God. Let alone the fact that my attitude is terrible at work most days so even when I get a chance to impact someone I blow it with my stressed out, impatient attitude. I kind of fell into this job and now I have been here for 6 years, in those 6 years the wife and I have had 3 kids, we have a healthy mortgage, college payments and other debt, and no time. So I really can't go back to school for anything, and if I could go back to school, what would I go back for? No school has what I am looking for.
So the feeling I get is that I am trapped. I have worked myself into a situation that I can no longer see a way out of. I think of my dad, who when he was very young (18) started a family and had to get a good job quick, and managed to get into General Motors building cars. It wasn't necessarily a dream job, but it paid the bills. He ended up working there for 32 years or something like that. He didn't enjoy it, but he worked himself into that situation where he had no other options. He had to do it to provide for his family. That is where I am. I have to work to provide for my family.
Then comes this taste of what could possibly be a way out. This minor bit of local celebrity. This fleeting moment of acknowledgment. God how I want that to be my path. God how I want to be out there doing music, talking and interacting with people on an intimate basis. I pray everyday that it is where He is leading me, knowing full well that it may very well never happen, other than the local shows I do (which by the way thanks to everyone who comes to those, they are seriously what keep me going sometimes). He has it all in His hands and I have to wait. My friend Mike wrote a post in his blog recently that relates to this somewhat. His loneliness is to his longing for relationships that are real, as my depression is to my desire for a life that is real. I want a life that matters.
I realize very quickly what you are thinking to yourself... "all lives and occupations matter in the kingdom." I know. I understand that God has me in the position I am in for a reason. He is teaching me something. I am where I am for a reason, and until that reason is accomplished He isn't going to move me. But anyone who has been in my position knows what I am saying. It is hard to see how anything I am doing on a daily basis could possibly matter for the Kingdom of God. But I know it does. Somehow in ways I may never know or understand, what I am doing in my life matters to God, and He is teaching me and molding me through it.
Occasionally I will hear stories from some friends who really have similar stories to what I have just shared. The difference is that they have God in their sights and even when things seem desperate, they don't let it get to them, at least they don't show it. God I want that kind of attitude. Lord help me to see you in all the details and not to struggle anymore with my petty problems. I feel homesick.

Here is a quick quote... again from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 10:
"You can never give to another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have."

A Much Needed Break...

2008-06-14T00:28:00.011-04:00

It's been a while since I posted anything so I thought I should get on that. Last week the family and I took a much needed vacation. We were offered the use of a cabin on Lake Bellaire which is right next to Torch Lake up towards Traverse City in the northern region of Michigan's lower peninsula. It was a really good time. We hadn't gotten to take a real vacation in the last 5 years since Derek our oldest was born. We purposely didn't plan anything to do up there. Each day consisted of sitting around on the beach, watching the kids play in the water, going out for ice cream, having a nice dinner together, and the best part was naps. It was quiet and uneventful, which is exactly what we have needed. With so much going on lately it seemed like the wife and I were on the brink of losing our minds.
One thing I had planned on doing while on vacation was using some of that extra time I had to get caught up on some devotional stuff, reading more of the Bible, spending lots of time in prayer, working on new songs, and generally just reconnecting with God. That did not happen. I didn't read anything, except for The Chronicles Of Narnia (The Magician's Nephew, my current favorite in the series). I didn't even crack open my Bible, or devotional book, and set large amounts of time aside to pray. I really didn't play my guitar that much or work on any new tunes. In some aspects I was disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen, but in other ways I wasn't so concerned. I don't know that God meant for the vacation to be a time where I completely focused on myself. It was a great time to connect with the wife and kids that I don't get to hang out with nearly as much as I would like to. I got to have fun with the kids building sand castles and watching them play all over. I got to hang out with my wife in an environment that didn't have a schedule, or deadlines, or alarm clocks. It was a much needed vacation from the responsibilities of home and work. All we had to do was make sure the kids were fed and put to bed.
The one thing I did that I regret was that I couldn't resist the temptation to sneak away from the cabin while everyone was sleeping, get to a local coffee house with my laptop, and aimlessly surf around the internet for a while. I have had this addiction to the internet, or my computer I should say, for quite a while. I depend on it a little too much. I have to have it with me at all times. One day later in the week I was suddenly hit with the conviction and realization that I had made special time to spend with myself on the internet, but I hadn't set aside any time I had originally wanted to use to reconnect with God. One of the many weaknesses I have that came out on vacation... selfishness. I want my time for me. I want to do, what I want to do. Not what you want to do.
So even though I decided not to set time aside with God on my vacation, He was with me teaching me something about myself that needs some work. Another area where the Spirit doesn't quite have the free reign He desires to have.

On another note, thanks to everyone who came out to the Baker Book House show. It was a really great time and I appreciate you all being there to support me and listen to what I had to say. The crowd was extremely attentive and responsive which made the show extremely intimate and an amazing personal experience for me. Also thanks to the few of you who got up early last Sunday to come see me at Festival Of The Arts in Grand Rapids. There wasn't a lot of you there, but it was a lot of fun getting to sing for you on that enormous sound system in the middle of downtown with my voice and guitar echoing all over the place.

Another quick note, I am working on a new cd, sort of. When asked about my current cd and why I wrote it, it really came down to just wanting to have something physical that proved I had written songs. I wasn't expecting it to get out there as much as it has. So in response to the fact that people are enjoying the songs, I have gotten a band together, and we are re-recording many of the songs with full band arrangements. We also are adding a few new songs. I am very excited for it because I think its going to turn out very well. We are trying to get it done as quickly as possible and I would anticipate it being done and ready by the end of July, but I can't give an exact date just yet. Keep checking back for updates.

That's it for me now. It's late and I need some sleep.

Lift Up Your Eyes

2008-05-18T23:24:00.009-04:00

Something that has intrigued me for a long time, as far as writing music goes, is the opportunity you have to share a little of yourself with those who will take the time to listen to you. In the past I have blogged about the meaning of some of my songs. I have kind of purposely avoided writing an explanation for the lyrics to Lift Up Your Eyes. I did this mostly because the song seems to take on a different meaning for whoever is listening to it. The history of the song is simple enough...

A couple years ago Andy Ferris, the Ada Bible Church worship director, was putting together a cd of original songs for our children's ministry that would focus on and revolve around the story of the Israelites being raised up out of slavery and delivered by God in the story known as the exodus. He asked me if I would be interested in helping to write some of the music, and being a pretty new song writer and singer at the time I thought this was a good opportunity to get some experience and stretch myself a little. So as he explained the idea to me of what he wanted to do I got very excited and began thinking over song ideas. Now most every song I have ever written has usually taken me a while to put together, I mean like weeks or months, or longer in some cases. This song was for some reason very different. Andy explained his idea to me at church on a Thursday evening at around 9pm, and I literally had the song nearly finished, at least in my head, before I reached my car in the parking lot at 9:30ish. I rushed home to get the idea down on paper and make a really crappy recording on my computer, which I immediately sent to Andy to see what he thought. He responded with a "sounds good" and we rolled with it.

The song to me at that moment was literally about the Israelites being raised out of slavery. No real secondary meanings or symbolic imagery or anything. I just got that hook in my head..."Lift up your eyes, O Israel...", I started reading over the story of the Israelites, and looked up some verses to help me focus on how much it must have sucked to be under the whips of Pharaoh's task masters, and wrapped a song around that hook. To me, when I wrote the song about 2 years ago now, it was really just a cool tune that I had kinda slapped together for a kids album, and now that it was finished I could move back towards the business of writing the really symbolic, personal, poetic stuff I was trying to write.

What happened next was pretty unexpected. I played it for my family first, and after they got past the initial shock that I was smart enough to write a song, they started talking about how good they thought it was. They started playing it for all their friends and co-workers and I was very pleased that my family and a few others thought it was good. I was satisfied. But then things started getting weird. People were asking me to come to their church and sing the song. I was asked if I would play it at a funeral. I was even asked one time by a young woman who ran a children's dance class if I would be willing to play the song while the kids in her class did a routine to it around me. I turned that one down. What I started to notice through all this was that people were seeing the song as more than just a song about the Israelites being brought out of slavery. People were relating the song to the struggles they were currently going through. That was exactly what I had wanted to accomplish with the more "mature, sophisticated" music I was trying to write. The fact that this song, that I spent literally about 5 minutes on, accomplished that floored me.

Now, with the attention the song has gotten on the radio, I have had a whole new group of people come to me with what the song has meant to them. How it helped them with going through a divorce, failing health, losing loved ones, financial problems, and the list goes on. My original idea of what this song was about has been completely shattered, and I am ok with that. I love that God used the one song I didn't think would go anywhere to completely take me wherever He wanted to take me. That I have learned is how He works. I have nothing to do really with where I am. He will take me where He wants, and do with me what He wants to do. He gave me the words and music for that song in the way and time that He did because He had a plan for it and how people could be ministered to through it. If nothing more comes out of the events of this past month or so, I am completely ok with that. The opportunities for ministry and working in other peoples lives, and seeing God work in other peoples lives has been amazing, and its made this last month rather intense in my relationship with God. It has really rejuvenated my spiritual life when I feel like I was at a rather dark spot. Not that the problems I had have gone away, but I was given a much needed affirmation that God is working in my life. And so now there is the meaning of "Lift Up Your Eyes" to me. When the floor seemed to be dropping out from under me spiritually, God broke in and gave me a much needed reminder that in the moments when I feel most alone and abandoned, He is most present with me.

So what does the song mean to you? I would love to hear more stories of how people have been helped by the song, and how God has worked in peoples lives through it. It doesn't even have to include the song, just tell me a little about yourself, give me a prayer request, whatever you want to share. Leave comments or shoot me an email at rick.hopkins@gmail.com.

Where Am I Going Tomorrow?

2008-04-25T23:17:00.010-04:00

The question I get from my son Derek nearly every day. "Daddy, where am I going tomorrow?" It's nearly always 1 of three answers. He is either going to school, to daycare, or he is staying home with us. Nearly always. Occasionally there is a day when we decide to surprise him. Sometimes we'll have some grand event planned for the next day that we try to keep secret from him, and we may occasionally drop hints about it. Sometimes though he asks so many questions that we get annoyed by it and it really takes out all the fun for us in trying to surprise him. One time, it got so annoying and persistent that we decided to drop the surprise. All parents I am sure have had an experience like this. You want to do something special for you kids, you make all these plans to really make a special day together with them, and they ruin it by annoying persistence in impatience. That is the nature of parenthood. Trying to be an awesome parent to kids who are not always awesome kids. Kids who can't accept the fact that their parents have something great planned for them. Kids who can't wait patiently for their parents to unveil this amazing surprise. Kids, who sometimes, when they see the surprise finally, are not pleased because it wasn't what they had envisioned and dreamed up in their heads.

I am that kid.

These last few weeks have been awesome. Getting my song on WCSG has been an unbelievable experience for sure. I have gotten lots of emails from friends, family, acquaintances, and some strangers made new friends, all voicing support for me and my music. I've been getting emails and phones calls about possible shows I could perform at. I have gotten really good reviews on my album from people I really respect. I've even sold a few albums, which is a nice bonus considering the ridiculous gas prices and my 40 minute drive to work. My name seems to be getting "out there" a little bit. I realize consciously that this is just one radio station, and that nothing more may come of getting my song on the radio. However I can't help but feel like I am on some trajectory towards something really cool. All the events and path of my life, as I look back on it all, seem to be pointing to this time. I could go into detail, but the story would get too long for a blog post. Long story short, it feels like God has something amazing planned for me. Something I don't deserve because I keep trying to guess it. In fact I would say that I have moved past the impatient guessing, into the annoying, pestering questions, and trying to take this experience into my own hands because obviously I can make this thing happen myself, and on my terms, and in my timing.

What if God does have something amazing planned for me that will come out of this experience, but it is nothing, and I mean nothing, like what I think it is, or am trying to make it into? I want to know where I am going so bad. Am I ruining the surprise? I am that annoying kid that can't help but need to know what his dad has planned for him.

Father, take that desire from me. Give me a peace to know that you have a plan that is for me, and that will glorify you. Not me.

I have tried for a long time to plan my own future. Now I don't mean retirement planning, and planning for vacations, etc. I mean, planning my own service. How I am going to serve God. How I am going to make an impact on this world for Him. I have chosen my path. The path that I think works out best. So again, I go to some words from Oswald...

From April 23rd In My Utmost For His Highest...

"Beware of any work for God which enables you to evade concentration on Him."

"...when once the concentration is on God, all the margins of life are free and under the dominance of God alone."

"There is no responsibility on you for the work; the only responsibility you have is to keep in living constant touch with God, and to see that you allow nothing to hinder your cooperation with Him."

"We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for."

"God engineers everything. Wherever He puts us, our one great aim is to pour out a wholehearted devotion to Him in that particular work."

I'm taking to the airwaves...

2008-04-04T23:53:00.005-04:00

That's right folks, you can now hear me on 91.3 WCSG in west Michigan. Yesterday morning at 7am they started playing my song "Lift Up Your Eyes". I immediately started getting calls from co-workers and friends saying, "dude, your song is on the radio!" Needless to say it was a surreal and amazing moment to hear myself over the radio. Then they kept playing the song. They ended up playing it 3 or 4 times. It was an awesome day. I sent out lots of emails to tell people, and I got emails from people telling me they heard it. It was very cool.

The coolest part of my day came in the form of an email from the station manager at WCSG. He basically explained how much he and the staff at the radio station enjoyed the cd and are putting it into their regular rotation for the next 8 - 10 weeks! Crazy! And they want me to come into the studio sometime with my guitar to talk about the cd and to play some of the songs. I don't even know what to think about all this happening so fast other than, praise God, this is amazing! Even if nothing more comes out of this, it's been a great day and I thank God for it. How many people can say a song they wrote is getting airtime on a pretty popular radio station? Not many. I have been feeling for a while now that I really want to move forward with music and get really serious about it. Hopefully this is what gets it rolling. I can't wait to see where God leads me here. I really, really hope that this day gets some wheels under it and things start rolling.

Oh yeah, big thanks to Topher at WCSG for getting my cd in front of the people that mattered their to get it on the air. Thanks to Andy Ferris for recording for me.
So now I need people to call in and request the song. Get me the hook up folks! Start calling and requesting the song "Lift Up Your Eyes". Even if you don't listen the station. Just call and request it or call and tell them how much you liked that song, whatever. Help a brother out.

Our God is an amazing God! I can't thank Him enough for putting me in the position I am in. He has for whatever reason chosen to bless me beyond my worth. I can not thank Him enough.

So what do I do now? I gotta get my act together and get some shows, put a band together, and start getting really serious about this stuff. I am super pumped. Big day!!! ("how about one more exclamation point? no, doesn't need it? ok. " - Flight Of The Conchords reference there for anyone who caught it.)

29

2008-03-27T00:21:00.004-04:00

So I am officially 29 years old as of 22 minutes ago. It really feels the same as 28, which felt the same as 27, which felt the same as 26, 25, 24, etc. Really as far as my mental state goes, I feel young still. Physically, while 29 is by no means old, my body has all these weird ailments that I know I didn't have when I was 18. Be that as it may, here are some memories from my life up to this point.

My earliest memory is me standing by our front door in a diaper, watching my older sisters play outside. That is the first thing I can ever remember, I must have been like 2 or 3.
When I was 5 I cracked my head when my dad had to stomp on the breaks in our old death trap van. I had to get stitches. That's the first and real lasting memory of intense pain I ever had. I remember breaking free of the restraints on the bed and punching the nurse, it was awesome.
At the tender age of 10, or however old you are in 5th grade, I had my first crush on a girl named Jennifer Simpson, and she liked me back. Her dad was in the military, and they ended up moving to Hawaii towards the middle of the school year. I was devastated. Came home crying to mommy, but couldn't get up the courage to tell her I was crying over a girl. That was the second real lasting memory of intense pain.
When I was in 9th grade or so I had my second crush on a girl named Sara Mast. However being the ugliest and most awkward kid in school didn't help me in that endeavor. I asked her to homecoming and she responded with a "oh I can't, I am not going". When I went to homecoming solo, there she was dancing with the popular guy in school. I remember asking her to dance once and she said yes, but I notice her whispering something to her friend right before she got up to dance with me. Her friend rushed off, we went to dance. We got about half the way through the song when "Mr Popular" came over and forcefully cut in on me and her, and basically making me look like a complete looser in front of most of my class. I believe this event single handedly destroyed any chance of getting any further dates with girls at my high school.
When I was in 10th grade I had a pretty intense year. I lost my best friend Rob Mason in a fatal car crash. He was my best friend from the day I stepped on the bus for the first time to go to school. I have never felt a pain like that. It was exactly what CS Lewis describes in "A Grief Observed". You go on living, but in everything you do, everything you eat, everything you drink, listen to, read, play... something is missing. Read that book if you are in that sort of pain. It definitely helps you put a face to it. This event did however turn me onto the idea of there being something more to life. This road would eventually lead me to becoming a Christian. Did I understand what that meant yet?
On the brighter side of 10th grade, I got my drivers license, a car, and a job. It was awesome to finally, at least feel independent. I had my own transportation, my own cash, my own responsibilities. I remember feeling like a completely different person.
In 11th grade, I once again took up my crush on Sara Mast. I had somehow deceived myself into thinking maybe things were different and I had a chance with her now. Well, on one blistery, winter day in science class I decided to try one of those color changing gobstoppers (I don't really know if it was blistery and winter, its just for effect). I remember, like an idiot, taking it out of my mouth to see what color it was and popping it back into my mouth, only to have it slip to the back of my throat which induced choking. I mean real, gasping for breath, dying, choking. No one would pay attention to the fact that I was doing the universal sign for choking with both hands on my neck. I managed to stumble up to the front of class to the teachers desk and started pounding on his desk. He looked at me as if I were a complete idiot and said, "I can do that too", and he pounded back at me. At this point I was beginning to black out. Since no one was helping me, I decided to perform the Heimlich maneuver on myself by punching myself in the gut. I did this a few times and began to fall to the ground from lack of oxygen. On one last attempt I punched myself in the stomach and was spinning around to face the class. It worked! The gobstopper popped out, however it managed to fly directly onto the desk of who other than Sara Mast, covered in saliva and looking basically disgusting. She screamed and dove out of the way generally disgusted by the whole incident. I meanwhile had fallen to the ground and collapsed from lack of oxygen. My science teacher rushed over and screamed, "You were choking? Why didn't you tell me?" This ruined any chance I had of ever dating Sara, either then, or in the future.
My senior year in high school I finally met someone who liked me back. Nicole Barrett of St Johns, MI. She didn't go to my high school so she had no idea how much of a looser I was. This worked out to my advantage. Our first date was my homecoming, and we dated for 2 and a half years after that. We got engaged the summer after high school, and were married the summer after our sophomore year at college. I was 20, she was 19. This was my happiest time of life up to that point. I felt like I had all things worked out relationally, physically, and spiritually. I was in a great relationship, exercised all the time and felt great, and thought I had it all figured out as far as my religious beliefs went. My life up to this point seemed to have moved in slow motion. It was about to pick up greatly though.
On December 21, 2002, Nicole and I welcomed our first child, Derek, into our lives. The only word I can give to the whole experience of the first child is surreal. It felt like I was watching the whole thing while having some sort of out of body experience. It was also the new greatest moment of my life. Derek was a tough baby, he cried a lot and was gassy and what not. But what he taught me in patience has definitely helped me now. And being the first born, he holds a special place in my heart. He is ridiculously funny and witty. He could probably quote the entire movie of "Cars" to you.
On May 12, 2005, Grace was born. This time around, it seemed to move me way more emotionally. I can remember choking back the tears as she came into the world. I remember my first thought when I saw her was, "my God she is beautiful". I think that comes from the fact that when Derek was born the labor was very intense for Nicole and they had to use the suction thing to get Derek out, and it was just crazy. When Grace was born, the process was just a lot smoother and there was less chaos in the delivery room. And when she came out, she literally was flawless. Her skin was crystal clear and flawless. She hardly cried and was an amazingly cute little girl. Now, at the age of 2 almost 3, she still strikes me that way, that is of course when she isn't getting away with murder around the house.
On October 10, 2006, Jack was born. This time around I felt like an old pro at the whole having kids thing. Jack was a tough one to adjust to. He was like Derek as far as crying a lot and being gassy. Once we got past the 3 or 4 month mark with Jack though, he really changed. He was much less work and was very easy going and fun. He is also a tank. I don't where he gets his size from but as of right now, he is huge and all muscle. He is kind of like Derek in that he is really funny and playful. He is also a baby genius.

These are just a few of many moments that stick out to me from what life has dealt me so far. There are many, many more moments that come to me, and thankfully most of them are really good, happy moments. The painful memories that I listed above I think really stick out to me because of the intensity of them, not to mention the time of life that they happened.
How about you? What are your most intense memories of what life has dealt you? Be they painful or happy...

What Am I Looking For?

2008-03-02T00:21:00.007-05:00

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone out there know what it is exactly that they are looking for? I often feel like I am waiting for someone to say something to me that is going to completely change my life. Maybe an artist I like will write a song or say something that completely changes my view on life. Maybe a pastor somewhere will give a sermon that will turn my life upside down and I will suddenly know how to live the Christian life the way it is supposed to be lived. I will be the complete father, the complete husband, the complete employee, son, friend, musician, reflection of Christ... etc... etc.

I get the feeling that I will never see this come to pass.

Don't get me wrong. I have had those mountain top moments when I heard something said, some amazing point made, some truth spoken, that got me all revved up and ready to go out and save the world and be an amazing witness for Christ. Those mountain top moments, as we all know, fade away and real life sets back in, and I find myself waiting for that next mountain top moment. But what is it that keeps me from being on the mountain all the time? Oh man, this is heading for some cheesy cliches real quick.

Let's put it this way... what am I waiting to hear that I haven't heard already? What am I waiting to hear that is going to flip some switch in my head and make me into a super Christ follower? I have heard the truths of Christ and His sacrifice for the world He loved, for the people He loved, for the person He loved. I can say out loud that I believe these truths. I can talk it with my friends and family, and make an attempt at passing these on to my kids. But it seems like a constant struggle to cling to that belief and not look for truth in something, or someone else.

I guess what I am saying is that I have heard and believed that Christ' sacrifice was (is) enough for me. But do I really believe it? I mean really, really, really believe it to my core? I don't think our 7 step systems to the happiest, most fulfilling, Christian life ever, or the quick happy meal sermons with nicely packaged little nuggets of how to live my life better are ever going to bring me closer to God, or make me believe more. I will end by referring to a previously quoted quote from a quote of Oswald Chambers. That sentence didn't really make sense, but anyway...

"But during this time, Chambers did not find satisfaction in Christianity, finding the Bible 'dull' and uninspiring. Finally, after four years of spiritual dryness, Chambers realized that he couldn't force himself to be holy. Once he realized that the strength and peace he was looking for was Christ himself, Christ's life in exchange for his sin, he experienced great renewal so much so that he described it as a 'radiant, unspeakable emancipation.'"

Hold Me In

2008-02-25T21:45:00.006-05:00

For the second installment in my series where I explain songs that I have written I am going to cover a song called "Hold Me In". First off, the lyrics...

cover up the scars that mark your back
pretend I'm not here and I don't see
we both know the truth of who I am
we both know I'm not leaving by your hands

this is how I know you
you hold me in
this is how I know you
you hold me in

crawl into the hole inside your heart
make believe that your free and not hostage
we both know the truth of who I am
we both know I've got you in my grasp

this is how I know you
you hold me in
this is how I know you
you hold me in

don't believe that He could have felt the same
don't believe that He ever felt your pain
never realize the calling for which you were made

This song basically summarizes many of the struggles I go through with my personality and how I think. I am quite often ruled by anxiety, depression, and anger. I often let these emotions stay bottled up and I keep them to myself thinking that I should be able to handle it and fix it myself. Many times when I do this if deeply affects many relationships I have including my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and most importantly my relationship with God. And so the verses both talk about this conscious knowledge that I am sometimes ruled by these emotions, but that I try to ignore them or fix them myself, and quite often I fall flat on my face in failure. The chorus, "this is how I know you, you hold me in" is kind of a statement from the perspective of the spirit of depression or anxiety that the reason I continue to struggle with it is because I hold it in. I keep it to myself thinking I can fix myself. I don't reach out to God for help to deal with the issue. I don't seek God in the matter at all, nor do I seek help from others, but I try my hardest to deal with it myself. This has classically been a downfall in my personality that leaves me completely incapacitated every once in a while. Shut up in my bedroom not wanting to talk to anyone, doing anything, go anywhere, see anyone, etc.
In the bridge.. "don't believe that He ever felt the same, don't believe that He ever felt your pain, never realize the calling for which you were made"... Basically just restating the idea of forgetting who God has called me to be and letting myself be ruled by these powerful emotions, instead of being ruled by the Spirit of God. Two scriptures stick out to me that have helped me through dealing with these issues...

Romans 8:12 - 17
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Hebrews 2:10-18
In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers. He says,
"I will declare your name to my brothers; in the presence of the congregation I will sing your praises." And again, "I will put my trust in him." And again he says, "Here am I, and the children God has given me." Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil — and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

Free Lands

2008-02-18T22:25:00.007-05:00

I decided that I would try something new with this blog. I am going to have a little series here where I explain some of the songs I have written. My main goal with writing music is essentially the same as the reason why I write this blog. I want to express something that I have dealt with or experienced. So the first song I will be going through is one I call "Free Lands". First the lyrics...

UPDATE: To hear the songs go to http://www.rickhopkins.com/

a million miles from here where the trees don't bend in fear
where histories don't exist, nor memories of the past
where relationships come fast and go slow

and finally I'll rest within your hands
breathing deeply the air of these free lands

where time has come to end the lives of business men
where all there is to do is throw ourselves at you
and dream of brighter days away from here

breathe deep, breathe deep

in moments all the more real, in waiting patiently to feel
in hopes of whats to come to bring us safely to our home
where pains and angers fade away from me

At the time of writing this song I was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety from my job and just life in general. When the anxiety would hit it was like I couldn't breathe. I still have this issue occasionally. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to get away, or a longing for a place that is free from all these worries and stresses. So a lot of this song really just reflects that desire I have, or this longing to be in the presence of God where there is no fear, no anxiety, no stress. Where I can breathe deeply and freely an air that is distinctly absent of these negative elements.

Are you listening? Wooooooooooooo

2008-02-02T23:45:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I am nearly positive that no one has ever read this blog. Be that as it may, I can't let that be an excuse for not keeping it up to date. So to all one of you out there reading this, that includes me, I apologize. My original intent was to use this site as a way to get stuff out that is developing within me. Ideas, beliefs, plans, family stuff, work stuff, etc. Basically the definition of a blog. I have failed at doing this, much as I feared I would. It's actually much more work than I thought it would be to write something at least once a week. I am the kind of person that before I go to write something, I need to feel like I have something to say. I don't want to turn into just another blog out there that has meaningless ramblings of somebody who has nothing to say really, whether it be good or bad, helpful or harmful, etc. I want to have something to say. That's kinda the goal for my life in general right now. Have some sort of impact on somebody. Hopefully in a good way.
Until that time when I actually do have something to say I shall again resort to Oswald Chambers. Here is a few excerpts from the January 31 reading that I find especially great...

- Our calling is not primarily to be holy men & women, but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God.
- The one thing that is all important is that the Gospel of God should be realized as the abiding Reality. Reality is not human goodness, nor holiness, nor heaven, nor hell; but Redemption; and the need to perceive this is the most vital need of the Christian worker today.
- Personal holiness is an effect, not a cause, and if we place our faith in human goodness, in the effect of Redemption, we shall go under when the test comes.
- As long as our eyes are upon our own personal whiteness, we shall never get near the reality of Redemption.

That seems like an old message, but it should be the only message. That the point of all that matters is the Redemption we have through Christ. The Gospel. Realize that and embrace it. I have always struggled with trying to fix myself. However, just as Oz says here, that personal goodness, or whiteness, has let me down every time.
I saw this again today as I was in charge of all three of my kids while the wife was away. I resolved myself this morning to staying self controlled and infinitely patient with the kids no matter what. Yeah, that lasted for about an hour until two of them had crapped themselves, they were all complaining incessantly of hunger despite clearing out our cupboards of all food items, and the volume level in my house was beginning to make my ears ring. Then it came out. That personal whiteness turned black real quick and I blew up. The rest of the day was an up & down roller coaster of me trying to stay controlled, but eventually always losing it. I never once took the time to pray for help, or even just step out for a sec, calm down and get my bearings or re-align myself with God.
We are proclaimers of the Gospel. Not proclaimers of how good of people we are now that we have redemption. Derek Webb says on his cd "The House Show" that he wished his sins could be put up on a big billboard that everyone could see, so that he would nothing to hide about himself, and nothing to hold onto but the Gospel message of Redemption through Christ. I am going to make this blog my billboard. I know that isn't too brave since really no one reads this, but hey it's a start.
Don't place any hope or faith in the effects of your redemption. Place all your hope and faith in Redemption itself. You are saved despite yourself.
That's all for now. I will try to keep this updated a little more often.

The Undetected Sacredness Of Circumstances

2008-01-17T00:05:00.002-05:00

My favorite devotional book is one written by a man named Oswald Chambers called "My Utmost For His Highest". The man was utterly a genius. This book is a year long devotional with a message for each day. There have been multiple times when whatever Chamber's wrote for a particular day seem to be speaking directly to me. It's spooky sometimes.

One of those particular days came a while back on November 7. The days devotion was entitled The Undetected Sacredness Of Circumstances. The verse he uses as basis for the devotion is from Romans 8:28. Click the link above and read it for second then come back here...

Alright, did you get all that? The thing that struck me at least at the time of reading this passage was how dead on it was for how my life has been going. I remember on November 7th that I was having a lousy day at work, and I read this passage on my lunch break. I laughed out loud in my car as I read it the first line... "The circumstances of a saint's life are ordained of God". I even said out loud... "God you gotta be kidding me!" It was like Oswald was in the car with me. Me and Os. Sitting in my sweet Alero on my lunch break. I digress...

The thing is about getting caught up in trying to control the circumstances God puts us in instead of letting God control them. All our call is just to live the way God has designed us to live and let Him do the work around us. Oswald says it best...

"Am I making the Holy Spirit's work difficult by being indefinite, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession, and the human side is the circumstances I am in and the people I am in contact with. I have to keep my conscious life as a shrine of the Holy Ghost, then as I bring the different ones before God, the Holy Spirit makes intercession for them."

So that is why I am in the circumstances I find myself in. I am where I am because God put me there for some reason that I really have no business trying to figure out. All my call is to just live the way He made me to live wherever He has placed me.

There will be more from Oswald Chambers in future posts. The man is incredible. My favorite quote from his wikipedia page is...

"But during this time, Chambers did not find satisfaction in Christianity, finding the Bible 'dull' and uninspiring. Finally, after four years of spiritual dryness, Chambers realized that he couldn't force himself to be holy. Once he realized that the strength and peace he was looking for was Christ himself, Christ's life in exchange for his sin, he experienced great renewal so much so that he described it as a 'radiant, unspeakable emancipation.'"

"Daddy, why are you always mad?"

2008-01-16T00:28:00.001-05:00

That was the very question my young son Derek asked me a few weeks back. I couldn't really give him a good answer. My first reaction was to become defensive. That's right I got angry with my 5 year old son about him asking me why I was always angry. I don't know what it is really that drives me to this point. I can't really put a finger on it. I sometimes blame it on work, or being tired, or just stress in general, but it's never the real excuse. It seems to come in phases as well. I will be go through these times when I am just on edge, angry, or stressed about something. Hiding it around other people is easy. Hiding it around my family is impossible. So what is it that drives me to this point?

The more I think about it, I think it is a general sense that I have of being a failure in every area of life. Spiritually, relationally, physically, and mentally. Whether I really am a failure or not is not the issue. It's the feeling I have and no matter what people tell me I have a lot of trouble shaking it. I know how I am in reality. I know my thoughts. I know my actions. I know what I say I believe. I can see the where none of these things line up. This to me equals failure. Am I the only one that feels like this?

There is this voice that screams loudly in my head. The voice nags me seemingly 24 hours a day, telling me that I am no where near good enough. That I will never be good enough. It tempts me to quit. To literally quit. My job, my family, my beliefs. Quit it all and give up because you will never be what you need to be in those areas. You fail as a husband. You fail as a father. You fail as a son, and brother. You fail as an employee. You fail as a follower of Christ.

Since I am a lover of music, I often look to songs to help me through whatever I am dealing with. One song in particular that really states how I feel is by Shane&Shane (who else?) called "Embracing Accusation". The one line in the bridge that just about reduces me to rubble everytime is... "the devil singing over me, and age old song, that I am cursed and gone astray... singing the first verse so conveniently over me, he's forgotten the refrain 'Jesus Saves'!"

It's so hard to block out that voice of accusation, and it is hard to grasp on to the truth of Jesus saving us in all areas of life. I can't hear those words enough. I need to hear them from the moment I wake up in the morning, to the moment I lay down again at night. God be with me and remind me all the time that you have saved me from these failures that I latch onto. Help me to let them go.

One

2008-01-16T00:25:00.001-05:00

Ok so here is my first blog post. I am hoping to make this blog function as a sort of journal for my life. What I am thinking, how I am feeling, issues I am struggling with, and all that. I couldn't care less if anyone reads this, I basically just need somewhere to get some stuff out. So here goes...